b3ta.com user champagnerocker
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Recent front page messages:

Psalms? Where we're going we don't need psalms!

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(Thu 24th Sep 2009, 23:24, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Getting Old

I had to get a new passport last year
When i went to get my photo done the stupid machine gave me a set of pictures of my dad.
(Tue 12th Jun 2012, 23:50, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Overheard in Asda today
Two Whitney dressed as Britney chavs are browsing the easter egg aisle.

Woman No1: How many kids do i have?
(Sat 20th Mar 2010, 22:18, More)

» Irrational Hatred

The end of the world is nigh...
No it isn't. The Mayans couldn’t predict that the Aztecs and Spanish would kick their arses let alone anything that is going to happen in the 21st century.

Every other month some religious nutjob makes a claim that divine forces will destroy the world (the latest being 21st May this year). Inevitably they claim to have discovered some secret biblical code that has eluded the finest scholars for the past 2000 years.

The irony is that you don’t need to search hard to find an indication as to when the world will end in the bible; just read the words in it. Christ clearly states in the synoptic gospels that the world will end within the lifetime of his twelve disciples [Matthew 16:28, Mark 9:1, Luke 9:27 and Matthew 24:34-35, Mark 13:30-31, Luke 21:31-32].

The fact that the incarnation of the omnipotent and omniscient creator cannot get the timing of the apocalypse right means a) you have got no chance, and b) it might just all be bollocks.
(Fri 1st Apr 2011, 0:21, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

A mate of mine was shouted at by an irate parent.
His crime was to be lurking around the school bushes.

He tried to explain that he was employed by the school as a gardener.

The woman didn't listen.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 9:27, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Gas Tap
A rather petite lady was teaching science at the school where i work, and was unable to pull the lever that supplied gas to her lab.

She stuck her head out of her classroom door and as i was passing asked me for some help. I had no problem pulling the gas lever. As i did i announced to her (and 25 sixteen year olds):

"The knobs a bit stiff. You have to give it a hard yank."

It was only when the class burst out laughing that i realised that what i said might be interprated as being a little bit rude so i made a hasty departure.
(Mon 16th Jun 2008, 0:01, More)
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