» Sacked

They call me the Period-Bringer
I used to work at a well known Theme Park in Southern England. One day I pushed a group's restraint down a little too hard. A few weeks later the park got a complaint that my actions caused a girl in the group to go back on the pill and that one of her friends had a bruised penis and testicles. The letter came from one of their parents.

Who honestly tells their mate's mum that they have a bruised cock?

Fair enough I accept that I deserved to be fired for it. Though they fired me on my last day anyway, so I can't really say I see the point in it...
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 17:29, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Heartless, hilarious and worryingly true
Not a funeral, but still death related humour.

When away from the drunken student lifestyle of Leicester I live in a small village in Hampshire inhabited by a large percentage of old people.

One such codger lived next door to the village hall and regularly phoned the police to complain about the volume of events taking place leading to many birthday parties and general gatherings being ruined. So much as a game of chinese whispers would lead to a visit from the local copper.

He died about two years ago and was cremated, the evening of the wake when his ashes would be spread in his garden clashed with the village rugby club holding a disco fronted by the village's cowboy DJ who is practically Ray-Von's stunt double complete with rewired traffic lights, some orange beacons nicked from the side of a skip and a smoke machine that smells suspiciously of an actual fire.

At one point in the evening with the speakers up nice and loud the DJ declares "This next one goes out to the party next door, Rest in Peace Geoffrey..."

The song? Burn Baby Burn. Disco Inferno.
(Sat 13th May 2006, 5:11, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

Achievement
Not my CV, and possibly not a lie.

When I worked at Gadgetshop I was randomly looking through the pile of CVs during my lunch break. Gadgetshop was known for it's fairly quirky recruitment style - I had to dance to get an application form and sing a nursery rhyme as part of my interview, embarassing but then I got the job so not really a problem - and some guy was obviously trying to play on this.

The bit that stood out was

"Achievements: My parents have never caught me"

Didn't specify what, but I think deep down we all knew.
(Mon 10th Jul 2006, 3:52, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

There was a guy at school...
Who's Firstname, Middlename and Surname could be used in their shorter forms to allow for

'Dick Willy D.'

Poor guy, was a bit special and as a result using the nickname could often be at the risk of a spack-attack.

There was also a girl in our year at secondary school who lost her phone, and when someone found it they had a snoop through the contents. One of which was a photo of her topless, on her knees, with what looked uncannily like cum in her mouth. The person who found the phone quickly bluetooth-ed the picture to their own phone before later attempting to distribute 'Jizzy-Lizzy' (or the rarer, cruder, 'Cumgullit') and her talents to anyone with an active bluetooth connection in an assembly. Including, it would seem, two teachers. She and they were not impressed and the culprit - who quite stupidly had his own name as his phone's bluetooth name - was excluded for something like a month, but the damage was done as most people had accepted the image transfer. Eek.
(Fri 19th May 2006, 3:38, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Winter Wonderland
I once pulled a sickie from work to go to the Winter Wonderland fair at the Millennium Dome. Forgot to make the call earlier so had to go outside half way through the day and say I wouldn't be in for my evening shift as I was tucked up in bed feeling very sick.

As I was finishing up the call about 30 seagulls decided to start having an argument, which my boss very much heard.

"It's the TV" didn't work. But I still got away with it.
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 21:28, More)