» Stalked

Stalked at a work party.
Although this episode of stalking was brief I feel it needs to be told.

My company threw a big party at a country house to celebrate how well we had done in the last year. Amongst the people there was a guy who I shall call Brian. He loved my knockers and not really caring as I'd had several pints I let him stare at them. Sadly I didn't realise what I'd let myself in for.

Everytime I went out to the portaloos I had to look around nervously in case he appeared as he was doing everything in his power to cop a feel. I could sense his presence, I knew he was watching me waiting to strike.

A few drinks later and I let my guard down. Brian leapt out from behind a group of people in the style of a ninja assassin, stuck his face down my top and made a noise I can only describe as "BRRRRRRBLLLBBB-BLLLLBBBLLRRRRRRRR!" then leapt off back into the crowd.

I still hear that sound in my nightmares.
(Fri 1st Feb 2008, 0:02, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

That taught her not to breathe in.
Working in a cosmetics factory I come across my fair share of annoying people but none like a girl I shall call Deidre. She always has to take it that one step further.

One day she had done nothing but wind me up. Throwing piles of leaflets at me, letting down my chair and generally being annoying. As much as I like her, today I just wasn't going to take it.

I calmly walked up to where Deidre was sitting, let off an extremely vile, silent fart and then walked off.

My smile widened as I heard her confusion.

"What did you just do?? Did you stick something on my back?...." *sniff* "AAAARGH YOU DIRTY BITCH!"

That taught her.
(Fri 27th Apr 2007, 0:09, More)

» Heckles

Bottom
I went to see Bottom 2 live at the Portsmouth Guildhall with my dad when I was a young and slightly more sober girl. During the prison scene some drunk arsehole was constantly shouting insults until Adrian Edmondson calmly replied: "Why don't you fuck off to the bar and have a second pint?" That's my man.
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 0:01, More)

» Evil Pranks

Doggy style, woof woof.
A few years back a girl I used to work with who I shall call Natalie, for that is her name told me a teenager had been tormenting her boyfriend. She was pretty much obsessed with him, ringing him all the time and even going as far as to post his mobile number all over town. I told her to give me her mobile number and I'd sort it out.

Ten minutes of googling later and I discovered a dodgy beastiality forum. I posted something resembling 'for fun with me and my dog Steve, call this number.....'

A few days later Natalie told me this girl had received upwards of 30 phonecalls in one day and several dodgy texts where it got to the point she had to turn off her phone. Natalie overheard her saying; "It was strange, this one bloke said he wanted to do me in one hole while my dog did me in the other...I don't even have a dog!"

Its not the first time I've pranked someone like this, my cousin who was stealing money from my grandmother got dozens of obscene messages from gentlemen of a different sexual persuation asking to put lots of things in his bottom. A few months later he was found to be stealing again and got the same. Hes an idiot but I thought he'd at least see a pattern emerging....
(Sat 15th Dec 2007, 1:31, More)

» Desperate Times

Pooing in a public toilet.
One rule I have is no matter how desperate I am, I will NEVER poo in a public toilet, instead I'll hold it in until I get home. This day however this just wasn't possible.

I was hungover and shopping for a birthday card in the shitty shopping centre near me when I started getting horrible stomach cramps. There was no way out of this one, I had no choice but to clench desperately and shuffle towards the escalators to get to the toilets upstairs.

I made sure the bogs were empty and quickly ran into one of them. My plan was to get in, drop some friends off at the pool and quickly exit. After executing the first two parts of my plan I realised how badly it stunk and to my horror I heard the main door open.

Then I heard the voices. Old lady voices, talking about their grandchildren, zimmer frames and the usual bollocks those old bags talk about. I was screwed, there was more than one of them and only two toilets. The one I was in smelt like a slaughterhouse.

In my panic I did the only thing I could think of. I flushed, opened the door and ran out just as one of the old dears headed in. I was afraid to check the news for a week in case there was a story about an old lady dying of methane poisoning or vomiting herself to death.

I think I'll just go with my first instinct and shit myself next time.
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 0:23, More)