b3ta.com user chuff monkey
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Profile for chuff monkey:
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I am chuffmonkey
this is my profile and i cant really be arsed to put anything here

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Best answers to questions:

» Join us... come join the cult

few years back i attempted to start a cult of my own called the chupacabra cult, ended up getting about 40 people to join who were all given weekly instructions, stuff like say biscuits to a nun and send random abuse to whichever houemate diddnt to the washing up that week, drink nothing but cherry brandy at the pub for a week etc.. lots of fun but i got less and less origional until everything focused on beeing surreal to nuns, i still say biscuits whenever i see one :)
(Thu 26th Jan 2006, 19:45, More)

» Professions I Hate

Want to buy an internet connection or phone line?

Well buy it through us and we will make it next to impossible to get answer to any of your questions in under a week.

What's that? you have a fault? well good luck with that, I will pass on about 30% of your message to the people we buy it from, who will pass on about 5% of that to BT, who will turn round and tell everyone to turn things off and on again and hope that you will lose the will to live rather than thinking about complaining again.
(Fri 28th May 2010, 7:52, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

oh god
its not even funny

I work in for an isp and these are some of the gems i have had from the oldies (or at least the over 30s)

my wireless router wont work!
have a look at the front, what colour is the wlan light
light ? there are no lights!!
well where is the router then?
it is still in the box you sent me. its wireless so i wont need to plug it in obviously.

my email wont work
ok, do you get any kind of error messages?
no there is nothing on the screen
ok, is it just email that is broken or is your Internet connection down too?
what do you mean?
well can you go onto google and search for something for me?
why not?
well I'm not technical so i don't know how to do anything apart from email
ok well go to the blue "e" on your desktop
no, i cant
well the screen is black and the lights are still off from this power cut.

my Internet connection is down
have you tried re-booting your router?
no i cant possibly do that you are not listning to me.
is there someone else i could speak to who is more technical
no just send someone down and get it fixed now.
he ended up complaining to every manager i had an eventually paid someone £300 to turn his router off and on again.
(Fri 22nd Sep 2006, 18:14, More)

» Urban Legends

I like to wind people up at festivals with stories like bob holness is dead, the queen has been arrested, and earwigs make chutney.
i get great satisfaction from hearing my own rumors two days later
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 19:42, More)