» Tightwads

leatherback
The old bird living opposite my nan is a right old tight cow. She's on a water meter, whilst her next door neighbour isn't. She goes round his house with a bucket which she fills from his outside tap every morning so she can use it to flush her loo (which only gets flushed once a day after her morning poo). Talk about old ladies houses smelling of piss.

Her grandaughter came to stay for the week - the old cow lives at the sea-side. Her grandaughter had been given some spending money for the amusements, days out etc, the family knowing how tight she was and therefore unlikely to splash out on the kid herself. Her grandmother took this off her at the start of the holiday as 'keep'. Poor kid never left the house most of the week until my nan heard about it (saw the kid in her jimmy jams literally crying with boredom and frustration) and played hell. That kid never wanted for anything the last couple of days thanks to my nan taking her out and when her dad (old cow's son) found out he went apeshit.

The icing on the cake for my nan was when the old cow went on holiday for 8 weeks after christmas to Benidorm on the old wrinkly winter escape paid for by the winter fuel allowance and the benefits for the imaginary disabilities she had. She left my nan a key to her house so she could water plants etc. Anyway, it was freezing cold, proper Northern England, North Sea fucking cold and she'd not left any heating on. My nan, scared of the pipes freezing and bursting put it on that winter setting, you know, the one with the snowflake that just keeps it above brass monkey level - we're certainly not talking tropical here. Anyway, old cow phones up mid stay and has a proper Mary at this and demands her heating be turned off

"I'm not over here to be wasting money on heating over there, are you going to pay for it, are you, ARE YOU?"

My nan marches over there, turns it off and didn't notice anything awry until probably two full days after the pipes had burst (remember the water meter)as the water was leaking from the back of the house. Apparently, her back garden looked like a skating rink and her carpets went from sodden to crunchy depending on the time of day.

My nan literally, like Tena Lady literally, pissed herself laughing when she came back off her holidays and was confronted with the aftermath.
(Mon 27th Oct 2008, 7:15, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

CLOSED ----------------- OPEN
On the top of a nitrous oxide gas cylinder, the above instructions can be found. To change the gas bottle, it is wise to make sure the CLOSED intstructions are adhered to. If not, you and your colleague may be stood in the enclosed room giggling like loons whilst trying to turn off the mega stream of laughing gas emerging from said cylinder.

As you may be aware, nitrous oxide is used as an anaelgesic and in surgery as a secondary form of anaesthesia. Two scrubbed-up people wielding scalpels and artery clamps whilst pissing themselves laughing does not look professional, especially when one of them suffers from stress incontinence.
(Thu 4th May 2006, 16:39, More)

» * PFFT *

Bit off topic
But I feel I must share. Mr P has just sat me down for a 'serious' conversation. On Sunday we all got a little bit drunk on vodka laced with cranberry, and then pomegranate, and then just pure and simple vodka. Thing is, we are not posh peeps, the only reason we had 'posh veg' in our beers was cos it was on offer at the co-op late shop over the road.

Turns out Mr P has smelled cranberry and pomegranate in his wee and poo for 3 days now and as such thinks that the neat vodka has caused his liver to give up the ghost.

Bless him, he's smelling the Lush soap I bought at the weekend; now living in the soap dish on the bath at the side of the loo. Should I tell him?
(Wed 18th Jul 2007, 0:17, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Wallmark
Wallmark got his name due to his aerobic wanking abilities. He had one of those height measurer things on his bedroom wall from when he was younger and used to lie on his bedroom floor and see how high up the chart he could shoot his load. He also had a favourite wanking position. According to him, you could achieve better results if you put your arm under your leg as at the point of no return, the leg would spasm and cause the trajectory of the emission to go straight at the giraffes head (think playschool measuring charts) and not miss the wall entirely. He also advocated the use of salad cream in a condom for a posh wank as the stinging sensation was just enough to delay the critical moment without being too painful. Bless him.
(Thu 18th May 2006, 16:23, More)

» Being told off as an adult

Gremlins
I got told off by a woman in a twin set

My sister is 12 years younger than me and I love any opportunity to act like a child. When my sis was born she was bald - and I mean bald - not even a bit of baby hair. When she was 2 years old she started sprouting a mohecan (sp), bald around the sides but lovely blonde hair on the top a la a Gremlin, so we nicknamed her 'Spike' as in the little evil monster from the film.

One day I took my sister to the park. She was playing on the swings and I got distracted, next thing I know she is nowhere in sight so I started shouting 'Spike, Spike'

Luckily enough, my sister comes running, but also this bint in a twinset starts berating me about being a teenage mum (twas my sister) and also having the indecency to call my obviously illegitimate daughter 'Spike'

My sister walked over to the unfortunate bitch and said 'Excuse me, my name is ****** and you have spilled your food down your top, they're called dinner medals' and went off to play on the slide
(Mon 24th Sep 2007, 22:25, More)