» Fancy Dress

Baby Jesus goes to the Zoo
Every year at the church I attended as a child, there was the obligatory Christmas pageant. You know the ones, someone plays Mary, someone plays Joseph, blah blah blah. The year in question, all the younger kids had to be the animals in the stable. I was a sheep.

My younger brother, then about five, announced that he wanted to be a lion. And they let him. So Christmas Eve comes, and here's the nativity with the ass and the ox and the sheep, and a fucking lion. With a mane and everything. Halfway through singing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," he got bored and started roaring whilst knocking over the little kids dressed as lambs.

My mother is still mad.
(Fri 13th Jan 2006, 22:23, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Also a sex offender
Whilst at college, I was seduced by one of those college credit cards. They gave me a Slinky. At the time, my college mailbox number was one digit off my social security number. I gave them the wrong SSN.

Fast forward to five years later, when I applied for my corporate credit card at my very first job. My managing partner got a letter from the credit bureau stating that they were obliged to inform him that was I registered sex offender. My boss called me into his office.

"Alison, says here you were arrested for child molestation in the state of Arizona in 1972."

I was born in 1976.

It took forever to clear up.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 15:05, More)

» Other people's diaries

Oh god, why would you write that?
"Thanks" to websites like livejournal, we have better access to dirty laundry than any other generation. You can "filter" your entries, but sometimes they don't work.

It was in this way that I found out my very first boyfriend ever had his very first wank while looking at himself in the mirror.

In his sister's clothes.

All the attractive men and women in the universe to choose from, and who did he find the sexiest beast ever? Himself. In his sister's panties.

We are no longer dating.
(Fri 2nd Feb 2007, 14:23, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

I am going to Hell.
I'm in a production of Jesus Christ Superstar right now. The young man who plays Our Lord And Savior is, in one scene, wearing that kind of white diaper loincloth thing that you always see Him wearing when he is about to be crucified.

As one of the priests, I help raise the cross. I can see right up that diaper thing.

Everyone thinks I am keeping my eyes riveted upon the cross to show my evil glee that my nefarious plans to assassinate Jesuchriste have come to fruition.

They are so very, very wrong.
(Mon 6th Feb 2006, 21:19, More)

» Strict Parents

I still give my parents a hard time about this.
When I was about six or seven, my family was visiting my grandmother.

I was allowed to watch the entirety of the film Poltergeist, wherein trees attempt to eat children, and a large mucus-covered skeleton is vomited up by a gentleman who has imbibed the worm from a bottle of tequila. My parents had absolutely no problem with this, although it caused me pants-wetting nightmares for years to come.

However, when the next feature came on after Poltergeist had ended, they freaked out and sent me downstairs. It was GREASE.

Because apparently it's fine for wee Ali to watch two and a half hours of horror, but HEAVEN FORFEND she should see one single scene that lasts TWO SECONDS wherein it is implied that Stockard Channing has the SEX.
(Fri 9th Mar 2007, 15:51, More)