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Purple badger purple badger

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» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Lack of funny
In my life time, I have been in prison twice. It's really not a nice place, and I highly recommend NOT going there. This is about my second visit.

Normally, I am a gentle being, I hate hurting people, mentally or physically. I have en extremly long fuse, I can take hours of people annoying me, deliberatly or not, without it having much of an effect on me. Very few things can get me to snap, normally I'll just flick a quick insult and leave it at that.

That said, there are things that *can* get me to snap. I went around to my neighbours a couple of years ago, was good friends with them at that time (and was occasionally shagging their rather hot daughter). Gave their son back his CD's I'd borrowed, was just leaving the house when I heard a quite moan and a the muffled words "I'd like to do [Vulcan15's cousins daughter] like that." My cousin has a 6 month old baby, so I get quite curious.

Opened the door from where I'd heard this, and it really was the worst sight I have ever seen. My neighbour, furiously masturbating to a video of a man sticking his finger inside a 1 year old girl, then getting ready to stick his dick in.

I don't remember what happened next. I do remember standing over him as he lay on the floor, my hand in agony from hitting him and his computer moniter smashed from my foot. I couldn't give you the full list of what I'd managed to do to him, but I'd damaged his testicles enough (I wear steel toed boots and shoes all the time) that he had to be castrated and broken several bones in his legs, arms and ribs. Whatever I did, it would never have been enough to punish him for supporting and getting off to the people who make films such as that, nor him even thinking about doing it to my new born cousin. I got jailed for 60 days for that little trick. That pervert received a 5 year sentence for the images and videos on his computer.

I saw his (now ex) wife in town a couple of weeks after I was released. I tried to hide from her, slightly ashamed of the damage I'd done to her, but she came up to me, and simply said "Thankyou"... I've never seen her or her family since.

Apologies for the lack of joke... I'm now off to celebrate Midsommer! Hope you all have a great day.
(Fri 22nd Jun 2007, 11:15, More)

» Impulse buys

I bought a plane ticket to Sweden for the next day to see a friend who was feeling down.
We've been together for two and a half years now.
(Thu 21st May 2009, 12:02, More)

» Festivals

NSDF again
There is always something a little strange about students, and something even stranger about drama students. Stranger still are the technical drama students.

Clad only in the cheapest black's Primark sell, a small workshop jangling on their belts as their steel toe clad feet tramp the corridors of Scarborough's finest educational and entertainment venues, these are the people who build and run the theatres the festival operates in. They arrive two days before any of the actors and leave long after in order to take the stages down and clean up all the residual detritus. Wielding large pieces of metal, shifting files upon piles of deck off one truck and in to venues, they make it all look pretty and sound like harps plucked by angels with only a t-shirt and a couple of venereal diseases as a reward. Oh, and they pay to do this.

So, the tech crew are the strangest of the stranger of the strange.

It's 2am. Everyone sensible is in bed. Not us though. We're in the venue attempting to turn it around. A late finish and problems with the lifting machinery mean we didn't get in to start it until 10. Normally, we can turn around any venue in under an hour providing you have the right team - this wasn't the right team. Tired, hungry and lacking in beer, the night has been full of petty squabbles. Voices have been raised, ajay's have clashed and the less said about where the scaffolding nearly went, the better.

Tea break comes. Along with the usual tea comes a special treat - Jaffa Cakes! Jaffa cakes hold a special reverence with the tech crew. They are the reward for a job well done, a bonding experience as each member shares their own secrets for how to be nibbled away to reveal only the smashing orangey bit. A couple of people toddle off to the toilet, then it's break over and back to work.

Crew is behaving much better, all problems are solved quickly and we finally get the venue set up the way it need's to be. The only thing I have noticed through the night is one of the girls was looking more and more uncomfortable as the night progressed. She had the figurative ants in her pants - constant fiddling, trying to get comfortable.

Everyone is kicked out, a couple of people slip off to the toilets again including aforementioned lady. Doing the final check of the building to make sure everyone is out, I spot an uneaten jaffa cake in the corridor. Bonus! Go to pick it up - ewwww, it's soggy. Some disgusting bastard has licked it and left it for me to find. Quickly throw it in the bin and leave.

Under the streetlights I noticed my fingers were a bit of an odd colour. Gave them a sniff. Slightly orangey, smell a bit of paint and something else... something a bit metallic. Lick fingers. Very metallic. Must be from my tools and the scaff - I've been handling metal poles all day. Then I noticed a small group of girls huddled slightly away, including Ms Uncomfortable, and just caught a snippet of their conversation as I walked by.

"... yeah, thanks for the pad. I don't know why I came on so early. Don't know how I've going to get all the crumbs out of my fanny though."

Look my at fingers. My red fingers. Shiiiiiiit.
(Thu 4th Jun 2009, 14:53, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Accidental flashing
Around 2000, I was very much in to playing with computers. Far more so than I am now. Like all my friends at the time, I had a small website which I had linked to my webcam so you could see the excitement of me sitting at my desk, taking and uploading a photo every minute.

The webcam was programmed to switch itself off at a certain time each night so I could have some privacy. What I failed to take in to account was daylight savings time.

I had obtained a particularly fine piece of mature audience audio and visual entertainment for the night, and had settled down to watch in the time honoured fashion. The first I knew was then I got a text from a friend saying "Enjoying yourself?" To everyone who saw my furious gurning as I tugged at my 14 your old lady prodder, I apologise. Unfortunatly, the blasted website took all their admin tools down for maintainance, so I couldn't remove the espically fine photo me of producing my man juices.

Length? Not much back then.
(Sun 31st May 2009, 18:24, More)

» Pet Stories

My girlfriends cats
They're cheeky little sods. You sit down for a nice meal (and her mother cooks some fantastic meals), take a forkful of food, stop for a moment to reply in conversation.... and a furry paw appears and pulls the fork towards the cat, who then eats your lovingly crafted meal. Or the same paw will come out, and pinch a choice piece of meat.

We had to take action. On piece of meat, was laced with all we could find - chilli powder, tabasco, black pepper - you name it, we put it on the meat. It was then tantalisingly placed on the edge of my plate, ready for a cat to try and steal it. Pretty soon, we saw the fur clad burglers paw appear, hook the meat, where it disappeared under the table... and we heard an almight screech, which we took to be cat for "OH MY FUCKING GOD, MY FUCKING TONGUE FEELS LIKE SOMEONEBODY HAS SET IT ON FIRE AND IS THEN BEATING IT WITH A RUSTY ELECTRIFIED CHAIN", or something to that effect. I have never seen a cat try to claw it's own tongue out before, but that one has never triedto take anything off the plate again.

One down, 6 to go...




Length? The cat thought it went on too long
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 9:40, More)
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