b3ta.com user Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock
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» The Boss

Mistaken identity
I once got berated by a boss in front of a customer for apparently ignoring her tannoys. She was away with phrases like 'unprofessionalism', 'disciplinary' and 'taking it higher'. I felt I had to say my piece. After all I didn't ignore her, not on purpose anyway.

"Sorry but I didn't hear you."
"I know fine well you heard them Gary, I've been calling your name for five minutes now. I could see you milling around at the other end of the store and there's no problems with the tannoy over there."
"Erm...my name isn't Gary."

The customer laughed and she stormed off. Now whenever I see her she makes an effort to drop my real name into conversation at least once.
(Thu 18th Jun 2009, 23:19, More)

» School Trips

PC gone mad!
We went on a trip to Hamsterly Forest. Anna was perched on a quite a large rock when she fainted. Mr Davis, who was standing behind her didn't catch her incase he grabbed "the wrong part".

She split her head open.
(Tue 12th Dec 2006, 18:40, More)

» Bullies

Short tale of woe.
The five year old me was your typical happy go lucky chap. I'd started school and I was popular, intelligent, witty and stupidly self confident. Then my Dad left my Mam and all of a sudden I realised life wasn't always a cake walk.

Now I didn't wither and become a social retard like so many people would. I just showed the occasional glimpse of weakness usuaully in front of everyone at the worst possible times. This included breaking down in tears for no apparent reason, wetting myself etc. which obviously opened myself up for a bit of flack but I was still sociable and smart if not a lot softer.

By and large my peers were fine but a lad in the year above thought he'd seize on the fact I was having a tough time of it and make my life hell. He'd beat me up, call me names, push me around, threaten me etc. Because I was emotionally fragile after the divorce my immediate reaction was to sob like a girl whenever he punched me or said anything out of line. This obviously gave him a huge bully hard on as it just poured fuel on the fire and his taunts and attacks became more frequent and sustained. The more he had a go at me the more emotionally fragile I became. It was a vicious circle.

My Grandma knew there was something up and one day I confided in her (as much as a 5/6 year old can) that I was being bullied and by whom. She went straight to the school and told the headteacher.

The next day we filed in to school and it seemed as if nothing was up until it was time for assembly when we were told my year and the year above would have a special one in one of the classrooms. We all sat down and the teacher who was taking the assembly, a big burly ex-Rugby player called Mr. Moyes, dragged up the lad who had made dinner and breaktimes hell. He called a spade a spade. This lad was a bully, a nasty piece of dirt who should not be consorted with on any level by anyone in the school. He was scum.

The dressing down was legendary and as he stood, blubbering, I didn't feel vindicated. I didn't particularly want to see him humiliated as I knew what it was like myself. However, said dressing down worked. I was never bothered by him again, in fact he was more than civil to me after that.

Not all teachers are useless. Some are very bloody good at what they do.
(Mon 18th May 2009, 20:23, More)

» Heckles

Not a heckle but anyway...
I went to see a panto with my Grandma's work a few years back and I was one of the older kids there so I found the whole experience rather shoddy. One of the younger kids couldn't comprehend that Ant and Dec could never see the baddie when they turned around and took it upon himself to give them a helping hand.

The performance was extended by twenty minutes as this kid ran to the front of the stage and started screaming at them, pleading with them to turn around. Ant and Dec managed to control the situation fairly well and take the piss out of the poor bairn but the baddie skulked about the stage looking lost. Obviously not wanting to destroy the atmos he continued to look devious and menacing until he got bored and dissapeared from the stage. He came back two minutes later with a chair and a drink. The audience chortled. One of the cheeky Geordie chappies lost his nerve and turned round to see what all the fuss was about and clocked the baddie that was meant to be hiding. The kid walked back to his mortified parents looking very smug. Must've broke his heart when Snow White ate the poison apple and he realised he'd changed nothing.
(Mon 10th Apr 2006, 10:58, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Worringly similar to my answer for the Boss QOTW...
...and quite tenuously linked to this question to boot.

I went into one of my many local mobile phone outlets to buy a new, overpriced piece of tat to ring my handful of mates and girlfriend on. I chose this particular one as one of said mates had just started working there and he assured me he could "do a deal" for me.

The place was heaving and being far too kind for my own good I opted to allow my pal and his colleagues to run around after the wankers who were banging their fists on the desk demanding to know whether "that there phone has a reet good camera on, leek!?"

I planted my backside down on one of the seats situated at the desks towards the back of the store where names are taken, contracts are signed and phones are handed over by the workers to the customers. Being a bit of a cocky twat I opted to sit on the staff side of the desk, behind the screen, to see how long it would take me to be told off by my mate or asked nicely to shift by another member of staff.

Before they got the chance a whale of a woman, complete with screaming child in toe waddled into the store with a face like thunder. All the staff were busy but rather than wait in line she stormed over to me, slammed he handbag down along with a box for some mid-range Nokia. I assumed she was just composing herself so I kept texting without even casting a cursory glance in her direction.


Fucking hell! I raised my eyes. There she was towering above me, looking like she was about to lamp someone.


Turns out this 'poor' lady had mistaken me for a member of staff. Before I could correct her she was off, telling me how she didn't want the phone any longer (despite signing a contract and being waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay after the cooling off period as it turned out) and she wanted to be refunded not only for the phone but for the length of the contract she'd used. She started going on about fines and court being the reason she could no longer afford to keep the phone. Apparently if she didn't get what she wanted right that second she was going to sue 'us'.

As you can imagine by this point I couldn't contain my laughter and started giggling like a little girl while doing my level best to try and explain the concept of a legally binding contract while also attempting to drop in "by the way, I don't work here".

I didn't get the chance to get that far. The minute contracts were mentioned she flew into an even bigger rage and asked to see the manager. I said no, hoping to end that sentence with "I don't work here man, you daft bint!" but I didn't get the chance. She looked for the most senior looking bloke in store (the one in a tie) and effectively asked for my head. The manager told her no, as I didn't work here and was waiting to be served myself. She stormed off.

I'd like to say this was where I got a round of applause and carried out of the store on the shoulders of the workers but I got called a stupid bastard by said manager for sitting behind the desk and pouring fuel on the fire (apparently she was a mental who had been coming in quite regularly and even tried to grab a member of staff once) and my mate was told to "serve him and get that cunt out of the shop."

Length? I think her contract had been running for around 5 month.
(Thu 30th Jul 2009, 13:03, More)
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