» I hurt my rude bits

Mr Oates is is big fat wuss!
Having had 3 kids on the National Health I know what it is to feel more pain that I ever though possible and loose all dignity. This is why I have little sympathy with the debacle detailed below.

Now read on.......

After having had 3 kids we found out what was causing them, and as a vasectomy is a far simpler procedure than female sterilisation I voted for Mr Oates to be 'seen to by the vet'. As Mr Oates didn't fancy having no sex forever he eventually gave in and agreed to be snipped.

Off he trundles to the local hospital to have the dirty deed done. Did I mention that Mr Oates is a big fat wuss who is scared of *deep intake of breath* everything medical that might, possibley, maybe hurt even a little bit.

When he'd not come home after a couple of hours I was beginning to wonder where he was. Then my Dad appeared on my doorstep looking like death and telling me to sit down as he had something to tell from the hospital

............... 'Holy Cow' I thought 'the dozey bastards died of a vasectomy!!'

I couldn't be that lucky. My Dad's strange expression was because he was trying not to piss himself laughing. Apparently every time the surgeon came towards him with the scalpel Mr Oates fainted dead away. They had to bring him round three times in the end.

Mr Oates had put my Dad down as next of kin in case of emergencies (I was at home with small children and he'd taken the car with him) and the hospital rang Dad to collect said wussy husband.

In the end they sedated Mr Oates to get the op done, but because he'd never taken anything stronger than junior asprin he was smashed out of his tree when he came home.

The sight of him staggering down the drive like John Wayne after a bottle of Jack Daniels will warm my heart forever :-)
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 17:03, More)

» Missing body parts

Not me, but my Dad
Dad thought he had a dodgy lawnmower 'cos kept cutting out if you let go of the safety switch. After much explaining that that was what it was supposed to do, it being SAFETY switch, Dad decided to bypass it and some how made the bloody thing be on permanently (could only be switched off at the wall).

Now Dad's front garden had a raised concrete path down the middle. Cutting the grass in the Spring was safe enough as he pushed the mower over the concrete, but come Summertime bedding plants were growing down the path's edges.

Well, Mr Bright Spark thought that to save him time going into the house to switch off the mower before he lifted it over said path HE'D LIFT THE SPINNING MOWER TO ABOUT WAIST HEIGHT!!!!

So that was Yorkshire's first attempted auto-testicle-ectomy. Much screaming and fainting later (and that was just my Mum) he was rushed to hospital to find the family jewels amazingly still intact but he'd buggered up his thigh something shocking.

Doctors in A&E made some joke about if he'd really wanted a sex change he could have just joined the queue like everyone else.
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 17:29, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Serves the cnut right
Guy I once knew had "bigballitis" to give it it's correct medical term (actually something to do with the hole his spud dropped through as a kid not healing up properly and fluid from his body cavity leaking into his scrote.) Impressive King Edward size nads follow.

So..... eventually goes to have the hole sewn up and scrote drained. On waking up from the op in the ward he's busting for a pee. 'Throws' his legs over the edge of the bed and then realises he can't stand upright and there's a nasty pain in his scrote and the stomach wall above his pubes. Hobbling like a hunched 90 year old he makes it to the bogs. Rooting around in the dressing to find his John Thomas he finds that the surgeon has kindly forgotten to remove the fuck off size stitch between his now strangely roomy nut sack and his abdomen (used to keep his huge scrote out of the way whilst they were fiddling with his other bits).


NURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Stitch snipped he could stand up right, but he had to keep his balls in the NHS equivalent of an orange bag for ages.

Oh how I laughed :-D like a said the lad was a cnut
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 9:42, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

I didn't hurt my rude bits, someone else did it for me.................
Donkeys years ago I had to have laser surgery up my mimmsie. Not an entirely pleasing experience unless you like the feeling of a staple gun being shot up your undercarriage.

Anyhooooo, there we are in the operating theatre. Me, legs akimbo grasping tightly to my last shreds of dignity, surgeon with his phasers set to stun and a gaggle of theatre nurses. After a couple of minutes of small talk from the surgeon (not an easy thing to do when the bloke is a complete stanger, at eye level with your cnut and is intermittently shooting laser beams up your chuff), I notice a smell of burning. Oh blimmeh, thinks I, who the hell is smoking in a hospital.

Well it was me of course, the smell being my barbequed girls bits. FUCKING OUCH!!!!!!
(Mon 17th Jul 2006, 10:22, More)

» Missing body parts

I am the proud owner of NO gall bladder
Makes not a blind bit of difference (other than digesting fatty food is a bit boring). Anyhoo -

After the usual long NHS wait I'm wheeled down to the anaesthetic room smashed out of my brain on pre-med only to find that one of the theatre nurses is a girl from school who I didn't really like much and hadn't seen in years. Me? - embarrassed about been stark nakey in front of the netball captain? Noooooooo.

So - to sleep - much cutting and scooping - yadah, yadah, yadah.

Later I wake up in the ward thinking that death would have been the easier option. I felt like SHIT. Turning over to find the bell pull for the nurse (to ask her to just shoot me) I see a smallish knobbly hens egg in a jar on my bedside table. Turns out that the thoughtful surgeon had never seen a gallstone quite that big before and thought I might like to keep it!!!

As it happens I did keep it. It's called Edgar. I used it to frighten the kids every now and then. That backfired big stylee when, unbeknownst to me, eldest son took Edgar to school for 'Show and Tell'. Much hilarity in the staff room apparently. Also makes an excellent novelty Easter ornament.
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 11:16, More)