b3ta.com user Anarchy Duck
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» Urban Legends

Manhood Hoopla
A intelluctually challenged girl at my old job once loudly asked "why do bagels have holes in the middle of them?" feeling a bit naughty I gave the reply that Bagels are so called because at Barmitzvahs the Jewish boy who is celebrating becoming a man has to lie down naked on the floor with an erect penis and the family crowd round him and then take turns to toss specially baked dough called "bagels" over the boys manhood, not unlike a "manhood hoopla". Any Bagels that land round the..ahem..."prize pole" are then eaten to celebrate the boys passing into manhood.

Despite the fact four people were laughing during the telling of this made-up tale, it didn't stop the girl coming back three days later, loudly calling me whats now known as a "James Blunt" and explaining that the previous night she had entertained her pub quiz mates with her new knowledge and was promptly laughed out of the pub and harrassed by a outraged Jewish couple.

She was and possibly still is one of the few gullable twats of the world.
(Fri 6th Jan 2006, 14:40, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

One bollock freezing November in 1994, Our college forced us to go to a Welsh activity centre to "Team Build". It was hideous. We did bond though, mainly through fear and also due to the few activity leaders that would let us buy alcohol on the way back from orienteering or whatever pointless exercise they had us do. One exercise was that we had to endure a night on a Welsh slate mountain and we all got rather drunk on Jack Daniels and smoked far too much of the "Mary Jane", as a very sheltered naive 17 year old, it all affected me rather badly and I apparently started dancing round and claiming I was possessed by a "Comedy Demon" much to everyones amusement. The next morning I felt like crap and vomited pretty much all day. This didn't stop the Welsh dictators at the centre from making me walk up Mount Snowdon with a really bad hangover, the leader guy from the night before helped me walk up the mountain and kept saying hello to passers-by as he went. At the summit, just after our leader announced that we were at the very peak of the mountain and should be proud of ourselves, I vomited on that exact point and looked round to see some German tourists filming me, so following what I thought was mountaineering etiquette I politely turned and waved saying a cheery "Hello" inbetween retching. They smiled, filmed me some more and wondered off.
So somewhere a film of me vomming like a bastard on the summit of Snowdon exists in a German tourists holiday video. And nearly 12 years later, I'm still incredibly happy about that.
(Tue 20th Dec 2005, 12:18, More)

» Heckles

Badly Drawn Boy "Secret" Gig....
...Although it wasn't that secret as about 400 people turned up to fill a small pub that usually turned drinkers away when it had 20 people in it. I was being crushed against the back wall as B.D.B paused to banter with the crowd "can everyone see me?" he shouts? I innocently reply "no, stand up!" to which he arsily replies "I am standing up you cunts" then promptly starts playing again, with a pissed off look on his face. Well he did ask, I didn't know the tea cosy on his head was there to make him bigger, and anyway only twats play pianos standing up.
(Sat 8th Apr 2006, 21:33, More)

» Why I was late

A possible reason for my redundancy.
Turning up daily either hideously hungover, dressed in combats and T-shirt (in a strict suited enviroment) and always with a nice big cup of coffee from high street coffee chain that needs no publicity I'd never actually offer a reason and just tell the truth about drinking till 5am, the queue in the coffee house was unusually long today or just fancying a lie in.

In a weird way I think they admired my honesty although I think the shrugging and walking off while they were talking to me might have pushed it a bit. Luckily they didn't sack me as a company takeover happened and my entire department was made redundant with a nice cash filled goodbye.

I blame repeatedly watching Office Space for my lack of respect of managers in the workplace.
(Sat 30th Jun 2007, 11:24, More)

» Sacked

The Jerry Maguire Moment
I used to work for a hideous kitchen fitting company thats main aim seemed to be how many times they could get complained to "Watchdog". The boss looked like a obese Boss Hogg and would openly look at porn on his PC while eating fried chicken and shouting abuse at people becuase he could. It really was a nasty place to work and due to Boss Hoggs lack of working contracts staff would often just walk off in a rage only to sheepishly return the next day.
It was so nasty in fact, I made the not very difficult decision to leave as soon as the belated wage cheque had cleared in my bank account, I simply had to time it right in the acceptable "walking off rage" fashion.
Answering all the phone calls that day, hoping to get a furiously disgruntled customer that would allow me to get angry enough to walk out didn't happen, instead every caller was being rather pleasant, then at lunchtime I saw my colleagues phone ringing with a number that I recognised as a furious customer, sadly he was also being pleasant but I started getting annoyed anyway which sparked him off, it was lunchtime and technically I wasn't being paid anymore so this was it, my Jerry Maguire moment...so I threw the phone down, shouted "RIGHT!thats fucking it! I've had with this fucking place!" and stood up to see that everyone bar the work experience girl and the bloke who hated it as much as me had gone out. The girl just looked at me shrugged and carried on arranging paperclips, the bloke shrugged and said "see ya then" and I walked off a bit disappointed that I didn't get to take on Boss Hogg in verbal battle.

Months later I bumped into another colleague who told me that no-one believed the work experience girl or the bloke and they all thought that I took a long lunch break, which then turned into "he'll be back tomorrow" then "yeah, back Monday, a new week and all that" this carried on for a month even though no-one bothered to call to ask me. Boss Hogg was furious, suddenly had contracts for everyone drawn up and claimed that if he ever saw me again he'd beat the shit out of me, a claim I'm still waiting to put to the test.

So I wasn't actually sacked, but it was very satisfying.

PS: Sorry for all those people that stayed and had to work out a months notice because of me!
(Fri 24th Feb 2006, 18:50, More)
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