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» Fancy Dress

'F' Party
My favourite and most simple fancy dress costume was dressing up as a flasher for my mate's 'f' party last year. It consisted pretty much of my white dressing gown, and came in handy when we ran out of rizla later on...i simply popped over the street and flashed at some guys at another party for a couple of papers. I did look like a ku klux klan member walking home at 6 in the morning with my dressing gown hood up though.(the kkk seems to becoming a bit of a theme here...)
In another incident...my costume for another friend's 'sick and wrong party' was pretty crap, but a couple of the guys came as the butchers who massacred the three little pigs complete with bloody lab coats, choppers, and a bucked of 'blood' with which they stuck those adverts for scally sex phonelines up all over the house (stuff along the lines of 'i take it up me bum off social worker for 60p'). 2 months on the adverts are still up, naturally.
(Mon 16th Jan 2006, 13:14, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

My attempt to get to fly shitty planes
I've only had one experience of the armed forces, and this was with the RAF when I was about 16 in lower sixth...

A nice pilot man came to talk at my school about being in the RAF. Somehow me and a mate were persuaded to go for an interview to get on this scholarship thing where you learnt how to fly a glider or something during the summer holidays.

Anyway to cut a long story short I got through the first round of interviews and was sent to Cranwell to go through some more tests. God knows how as I never actually expressed any interest in being in the RAF, and didn't particularly care for being high off the ground. Probably because I got to skive school for a couple of days...

So I got to Cranwell. First weird thing about this place was a random housing estate of about 12 houses in a cul-de-sac in the middle of a field. Distinctly creepy feeling about that place...like return of the bodysnatchers. Met the 30 or so other kids who I soon discovered had ALL been in the cadets and were OBSESSED with planes. They knew the name and specifics of every single plane/helicopter the RAF had ever had.I couldn't name one plane. So this girl helped me learn them all, all night.

Next day was the interview process. The medical was the best bit as we had to sit round completely naked in these dressing gowns that were so obscenely short they didn't even cover your arse - perverts. Piss test - passed (no drugs at that point), vision test 20/20...
Then came the bit where you had to test co-ordination. I got 1/9 cos I have the co-ordination of bambi when its just emerged from its mothers' womb, and I never played doom or suchlike.

Then came the interview:
RAF Man: Which of our aircraft do you admire most then?
Me: The chinook helicopter
RAF Man: Why?
Me: Cos it has two rotor thingys.

RAF Man: So have you any physical or sporting achievements that you are particularly proud of?
Me: Yes, I was captain of the swimming team and the hockey team at school! (Lie - I was completely shit at both)

Needless to say I didn't get in. Funny thing was that my grandad's mate ran the same plane flying programme for the navy, and upon hearing that the RAF rejected me, offered me a place on his programme without any of the interview shit!
I declined...one night at Cranwell was enough for me.
So I got rejected, probably wasted a bit of HM Forces budget, ah well that'll teach them to send Manc kids to Cranwell...
(Sat 25th Mar 2006, 18:32, More)