b3ta.com user Chewy
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» Why I was late

I used to work for a company that had a very strict lateness/absence policy. Either of them earned you a return to work interview. The standard question in the interview was "will it happen again?". Mine went something like this...

ME : Sorry I was late, my Dad crashed the company van last night and wound up in hospital.

BOSS : Is it likely to happen again?

ME : No, he's written the van off now...

Bastard didn't even crack a smile...
(Thu 28th Jun 2007, 14:14, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Sabotage and/or Revenge...
My younger brother has seen 'The Fast and the Furious' a few too many times. He goes to cruises, and runs 'modded' car club with some friends. He used to have a website dedicated to his Honda Civic (a 1.5 Economy VTEC, no less). I hacked in (well, i say hacked, but the fool uses the same username and password for EVERYTHING), and uploaded some 'shopped pics of his car, complete with engine bay full of rice and sponsored by Uncle Ben's graphics. He was not amused... But I was, which was the whole point of the excerise.

On a more revenge note, I was made redundant last year. The company i worked for were a bunch of twunts at the best of times, and making me redundant just pushed me over the edge. I'd actually helped set up the factory, so i new the place inside-out. In fact, i'd installed a lovely gas pipework system (non-flammable gas, unfortunately). Several holes were punched into various, inaccessible places in the system. These were places where the pipework is completely hidden, only the guys who built it would know that it's there. The other guy who worked on the system left a few months before i got the boot, so there's no way they're ever going to find the holes. Last i heard, they've more than doubled the amount of gas they're using, and still have no idea why. They're especially puzzled as they've now sold over half of their machines and should be using much less... :D
(Wed 4th May 2005, 23:02, More)

» Kids say the shittiest things

Why why why why why?

Seriously, it's all my 3 year old says.


Thank fuck the other one is still too young to talk. If both of them were at it i'd top myself.
(Fri 24th May 2013, 22:40, More)

» When animals attack...

Swimming with sharks
Back around 1998/1999, me and my best mate went to the Maldives on a Scuba diving holiday. We learned to scuba dive while we were out there, and we told that we WOULD be swimming with sharks. They live out there, in large numbers, and there's not a lot you can do about it. Anyway, we're out on a scuba dive, and we see loads of sharks, who couldn't be less interested in us. They just act like you aren't there and get on with menacing the smaller fish. Time passes quickly underwater, and all too soon it's time to head back up to the boat. On route, we pass a giant turtle. You know the things, those poor harmless turtles that return to the same place to lay their eggs and are protected by more treaties than you can shake a stick at. Well, said turtle has obviously had a bad day, as just as my mate has finished looking at it and swims away, it turns round and tries to take a bite out of his leg! Cue me frantically trying to find something metal to bang on my tank to warn him. Luckily, the turtle fell short of the mark, and my mate escaped unscathed. I'd hate to think what would have happened if it had bit him and drew blood with all the sharks nearby though...

Apologies for lack of shark attacks, but not length/girth.
(Tue 7th Jun 2005, 22:53, More)

» Council Cunts

Gateshead Council
Mrs Chewy and I moved into our council flat back in April. It had been vacant since last December when the previous occupant died in the bath. Seeing as the council had been involved in removing his body, cleaning the flat and doing several repair jobs, you'd think that they'd have made a note of the fact that Mr Ronald Buckland was dead. No such luck. We still get letters addressed to him from the council, even though we've managed to get the council tax bills sent in our names now. The most useless bunch seem to be the Decent Homes crowd. These guys are supposedly upgrading homes to better standards. Before we moved in we were told we'd be getting a new kitchen, new bathroom, new internal doors, and new uPVC windows and doors in September. Then we got a letter saying that as the sadly deceased Mr Buckland hadn't bothered getting out of his grave to go to a planning meeting, we'd be getting nothing. Some well placed phone calls put us back on track, although we still get letters for Mr Buckland. Then, to top it off, we get a letter from Decent Homes saying we'd be getting just a kitchen. What happened to all the other stuff? Tried ringing them, got no meaningful answers. Wrote to our councilor, then got a call back from the Decent Homes Liaison Officer saying sorry about the mis-information, but flats aren't eligible for windows and doors, so fuck you basically. The most annoying thing is that we already have one uPVC window that was fitted before the rest of the upgrade to save time later...

/rant over.
(Fri 27th Jul 2007, 10:24, More)
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