b3ta.com user wormburn
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» I'm going to Hell...

So bad, so wrong
You have to laugh to make it go away.

A few years ago, Scope was running it's campaign to see the person before the disability. Quite right too.

So I'm on the train, roll in to Leeds, look across at the hoarding, which reads "Jimmy loves football, and is a Manchester Utd fan. He also has cerebral palsy" under which someone had written:

'Serves him fucking right.'

I laughed harder than I ever thought possible, made all the worse because I was on a trip with the kids from the special school I work at. Although, two of them found it funny too.

Length? They never complained.
(Wed 17th Dec 2008, 17:26, More)

» Heckles

Brian Blessed
So, all great stories feature the Blessed one, and this is no exception.

My fat, hairy, oft sweaty best mate from Uni was a typical Doncaster/Irvine (it's in Scotland you fucks) type, having grown up in both. His Grandad was just Northern. So much so, that during Peter Pan, when Brian Blessed arrived on stage in full Hook regalia, said Northerner pensioner stood up in the stalls and shouted "Boo! Hiss! You'll get your comeuppance!" Not so funny, except this wasn't a pantomime, but a faithful reworking of JM Barrie's dark tale of childhood fantasy and fear.

Blessed corpsed. Spectacularly. After 2 minutes, still convulsing with laughter, he managed to swish his cutlass in the direction of the offender and just about compose himself. Textbook.

2. Can't remember where or who, but someone once stood up, with a bullhorn/megaphone and pressed the siren, which lasted about 2 seconds, followed by "YOU ARE SHIT. GET OFF THE STAGE." He was. He did.

3. Andy Zaltzman at Joe's Student Comedy Club in Birmingham. Supported by John Oliver who was funny, Andy was on next. A part of his act was to request heckles. Silence, until from the eponymous Fat Bloke at the Back comes "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU CUNT!" Zaltzman faultered, totally lost any credibility and died. Minutes later, the fire alarms went off. He legged it. John Oliver did 2 hours impromptu and brought the house down.
(Sat 8th Apr 2006, 20:19, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Hemingway is shit
"Kate, you can't blame us for having mice. We don't abandon our half-consumed food on the floor for days, and wander off only to be surprised by the presence of vermin."

"Kate, when we said 'These Navy ads are incredibly camp', this was not a personal attack on you, your family or your brother, about whom we didn't know he was a medic onboard HMS Salty."

"Kate, I said you would find a manual car was a more engaging driving experience because I've driven manuals and automatics and find this to be the case. This was not an attack on you for having imperceptible cerebral palsy and therefore needing to have an automatic, because I didn't know, because you haven't told me, because it's not noticeable. Please stop telling everyone on my Health Care course I am bullying you because of your CP, as it's defamation and I might have to take legal action."

"Kate, I'm allowed to find you going on about how fit Colin Firth is in this a bit tasteless, because regardless of how well cut his (SS) uniform is, it's a drama entitled The Final Solution."

"Kate, why don't you fuck off and die?"
(Mon 13th Oct 2008, 22:01, More)

» Mix Tapes

On it?
Hate, the Delgadoes.
Kate, Ben Folds Five.
Hate To Say I Told You So, the Hives.
Killing In The Name Of, Rage Against The Machine.

You know who you are, you hideous fucking bitch.

Length? Well, it's been more than adequate people who aren't intentionally over-sensitive manipulating self-pitying whores.
(Sat 9th Feb 2008, 23:46, More)