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» Why I was late

Err, what?
I worked with a guy for more than two years who it would be fair to say wasn't the quickest of guys. His explanations of being late or missing work altogether seemed, in his mind, to make perfect sense. The rest of us were never so sure.

Example 1:

Him: "I'm late because my mum was hearing things."

Example 2:

Him: "I wont be in work today unless you come round my house?"

Boss: "What?"

Him: "I've locked myself in my toilet and I need someone to come and open it for me."

Boss: "But the lock's on the inside, isn't it?"

Him: "Yes but I can't remember where I left my key."

Example 3:

Him: "I don't think I can come to work today, I have no front door."

Example 4:

Me: "Why are you late?"

Him: "Yesterday the manager said I smell."

Other such excuses were "I was on the phone", "My mum wants me to go to Iceland", "this girl keeps sending me pictures", etc... etc... etc... 'Blithering idiot' doesn't do him justice.

Length? Suitable for pole vaulting.
(Thu 28th Jun 2007, 16:05, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Back in 2000 I think it was, I decided to meet some internet types for the first time and travelled there by train. Wasn't really sure about the route so I just kept watching the stations roll by hoping I'd eventually get to the one I wanted. After an hour or so I was drifting in and out of consciousness when the announcement came up that we were at the station. Or at least that's how I heard it, what it had really said was we'd shortly be arriving at the station. So I jumped up, grabbed my bag and headed for the door, pulled it open (back in the day of slam door trains) and stepped off sleepily.

It soon dawned on me that we'd only reached the front of the platform and were travelling at a fair pace still, and it occurred to me that I must look pretty silly as I bounced off the platform, rolled backwards several times and stopped, arse up in the air, covered in dirt right by the people who I'd gone to meet.

As ice breakers go, it was pretty much perfect.
(Thu 21st Jan 2010, 19:26, More)

» Cross Dressing

My fragile young mind
My first experience was at 14, and was not my own choice. Our English teacher was taking us for some lessons in drama, so we could enact her own mini-play. I had never acted before, but boy, she'd found the perfect part for me!

"There's only one female part in this production I'm afraid - and I want Stephen to play the role"

"But why miss!?" came the confused/disturbed reply from the girls in my class. From the look of the rest of the boys in the class, I think they had even less desire to see me dress up as a woman.

"Because he's got the most child-bearing hips" was her flattering reply.

Well, I could hardly resist a compliment like that. So she took me into the clothes cupboard and picked out not only a lovely long blue dress for me, but also a flowing blonde wig. I put these one and took one look in the mirror, and bloody hell! She was RIGHT! I passed for a girl much better than most of the girls in my class - and I was HOT!

So I came sauntering out in this saucy number, and took part in this little play she had written for us. After my part was done with though, I decided I didn't want to change back for a while, so while the rest of the play was being filmed, I snuck out of the room and began dancing round the school waving my hanky at all the boys in school. I stood outside one first year class winking and blowing kisses at all the kids in the room. Some laughed - one screamed, so I had to scarper.

Another teacher encountered my nonsense and asked me just what I thought I was playing at. "Oh you silly!" said I, and pranced off back to class.

Said teacher apparently still has this video of me playing a beautiful young lady apparently. She was so proud, she played it to several other classes.

Now I actually reflect upon this, it may explain why I never got asked out by girls at my school.

(Thu 15th Mar 2007, 19:17, More)

» Buses

The strangest thing I have ever seen on a bus
A fairly elderly american lady got on the bus, seemingly quite intoxicated and carrying a bag. She wouldn't sit down but insisted that the driver talk to her whilst he drove. During part of the conversation, he mentioned he was quite hungry from his long shift when she reached into her bag and pulled out a couple of muffins, first offering to feed him whilst he drove, then ignoring his rejection proceeded to shove the muffins in his face anyway. Our bus consequently swerved all over the road whilst the driver was trying to clear his face of muffin crumbs and to stop the extremely helpful woman from trying to feed him any more.

She was asked to sit down after that...
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 14:29, More)

» Bullies

I'm a bully and I like ruining people's parties
Last year I invited myself to a girl's party and because she had a strange long face I decided I'd go round and burst all her balloons which made her do a sad face. The worst thing I've ever done though is I went to a party and told a young girl that Harry Potter books are rubbish and she ran off and got reinforcements and I was told I was no longer welcome at the party so I went home and played Wings on my Amiga.
(Wed 13th May 2009, 15:46, More)
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