b3ta.com user 99redbuffoons
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I live in Bedfordshire near a big lion on a hill. Been a long time lurker for the sheer brilliance of the majority of posters, but now a poster. Yay. Be nice.

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» Messing with the Dark Side

Aunty Flo
I had an Aunty Flo,from Mid Glamorgan in Wales who was very scary for a number of reasons.

1)She could be quite cruel (for example would always leave a plate of congealing lemon sherbets on the mantlepeice that we were not allowed to touch).

2)She had a scary pair of those extending scissor grabby things that was the must have accessory for all old people in wheel chairs once upon a time (especially useful for pinching young great nieces).

3)She would always call me Sarah Grant, never just Sarah (as if to enforce some sense of pride in my name) this annoyed me more than anything.

Anyhoo, she wheeled off her mortal coil when I was six and I can't say that I missed her Welsh cackle a great deal and got on with my life. For my own protection, I should interject that there are some very nice Welsh accents out there, hers was just not one of them.

I was at a friends party one night when I was 16, I didn't drink alot, a couple of swigs of Cider maybe, but that was all.

I also did not partake of any mind altering drugs.

However, I did have my first cigarette.

Later that night, just drifting off to sleep when I was lifted off my bed, flew towards the skirting board and landed back on my bed and then clear as a bell, my great aunty Flo's voice...."I saw you Sarah Grant!"

brrrrr and nattering of teeth did occur

Apol for length, but first post! Yay!
(Wed 26th Apr 2006, 15:58, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

One of my old school friends
Who was a very sweet and kind boy decided that it was wrong to keep his budgie cooped up in his cage all day whilst he was at school.

So, whilst everyone else was getting ready for the school run, he grabbed the budgie took it outside and with the aid of some sellotape, safely secured the budgie to the washing line by taping it's legs together below it.

As he watched the budgie flapping it's way down the washing line, he turned and walked into the house.

Unfortunately, he paid no thought to what the budgie was going to do when it got to the end of the line and came home that evening to find the poor thing hanging upside down.
(Fri 7th Dec 2007, 15:38, More)

» * PFFT *

Boy was my face red
I was lying on my bed with a bloke who was fast becoming a good friend.

I had a huge attic room in a shared house and my ceiling sloped down at the foot end of the bed. Having consumed quite a lot of wine I suddenly felt compelled to walk up feet up my ceiling, my back still being on the bed.

When my legs got to about 90 degrees to my body, from nowhere, pressure arrives and departs instantly in the form of the noisiest fanny fart ever.

It had never happened before!

Stoopid, stoopid idea.
(Tue 17th Jul 2007, 14:00, More)

» My first experience of porn

Burning Embers
Not my first experience of pron (being a good catholic girl, I'd already seen loads) but my little brother, who was about 14 at the time.

He had been given a stash by a mate who'd stolen it off his step-dad (who doubled as pervy caretaker at our school). My brother starts to get a bit nervous about the stash and decides to confess all to big sis and current boyfriend and enlist our help in getting rid before our Mum finds it.

It was November, a bit of a breeze in the air, but a bonfire was already well under way in the garden, thanks to Mum burning a load of furniture. Little Brov makes the suggestion of dropping the mags into the fire? He needs our help as he needs Mum out of the way, as he's deemed not sensible enough to look after fire, since the episode of accidentally setting fire to his mates trainers with a blow torch.

What could go wrong?

Boyfriend and I walk out into the garden and say to Mum, you go inside Mum, we'll watch the fire. She's extremely grateful as wind has gotten up a bit and she's got essays to write for Uni, so she heads inside. Wait 10 minutes and out comes little Brov with said stash and we set to chucking them in the fire, on closer inspection they were all shit anyway.

It's really quite windy now, and too late we notice that little embers of mag are rising into the air and exstinguishing themselves whilst still clearly displaying bits of nip or vadge! Up they go in the heat of the fire and are whisked away by the wind all over our suburban street.

He's never quite lived that one down. Last year, the most recent stash (him then being 25) was discovered when his room got decorated prior to my Mum moving to Ireland.

Length is good when you can get it.
(Fri 26th Jan 2007, 12:47, More)

» Puns

Something fishy
A man is out fishing in the sea, he gets a bite and reels in a fine looking salmon. No sooner has he pulled the hook from its mouth when the fish pipes up "Don't eat me, please don't eat me!"
The bloke is astounded ("fuck me a talking fish!") get's over himself and says
"Give me one good reason why I should throw you back?"
"Have a heart sir, my names Rusty, I am barely mature, my whole life is ahead of me, if you throw me back, I promise, if you catch me again you can keep me"

The bloke has clearly been sitting in the sun too long, not realising the money making potential to be made from a talking fish and agrees to throw him back.

Time goes along a little while and a couple of years later the fisherman is in the same neck of the woods and is astounded to pull in the same fish from the water.
"Alright Rusty! How are you doing mate? What you been up to?"
"Not too bad, been about a bit, swam here, swam there, been around the Titanic, wrote a book of poetry..."
"A book?! Get away, what did you call it"
"The Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty"

So the guy picks up the fish and bangs his head on the side of the boat for coming out with such a crap joke, the end
(Wed 11th Mar 2009, 12:49, More)
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