b3ta.com user ShizerKaiser
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» Messing with the Dark Side

When I was a kid me an my brother were obssesed with ghostbusters, so one xmas our parents got us these ghostbuster backpacks and guns and all. So this Xmas there we were running round the upstairs of my aunts house back packs on, screaming "don't cross the lines!!!"; woe betide any spook attempting to mess with us!

We ended up battling some ghosts in my aunts bedroom one of us on either side of the bed, my aunt had 2 skinny wardrobes built into the wall on either side of the bed so we decided that would be the natural place for ghosts to hide.

As we made our way cautiously towards the doors, they both flew open with a startilng bang, I froze eyes wide and out lept our parents one out of each wardrobe both screaming at the tops of thier voices, in the confusion we rightly shit ourselves, started screaming dropped the guns and ran for our lives. Some ghostbusters huh? (Some parents huh?)
(Fri 21st Apr 2006, 0:59, More)

» Crap meals out

I used to do medieval reenactment and there is a huge battle held every July in Teweksbury, war of the roses.

Anyway Tewks is a quiant little town I quite like it myself, It has a bugrer place in it called "StarBurger" upon entering and looking at the girl behind the till the banjo music from deliverence started up in my head.

I warily approached the curiously mishappen girl and asked for a chip in a cheery voice, she grunted back to me and leaned over to the microphone and spoke into it "Chip", I suppressed a giggle, she stood there for about ten seconds while I looked about as nothing was happening. It was an open plan kitchen and there was quite obviously no one in it, so after about 10 or 15 seconds she shambled off to prepare my "meal" me and my mate gave a long look at each other caught up in this sort of surreal moment.

She arrived back and handed me my food (which was surprisingly good and reasonbly priced) my mate ordered a pizza, again she grunted "pizza" into the microphone, waited awkwardly for about 10 seconds then shuffled off to prepared it, at this point i was chuckling away at the surreality of it all. I was wondering who the hell was she talking to.

Anyway about 10 minutes later the place filled up and more staff arrived, my mate decided to save 2 slices of pizza in the box to eat cold in the morning as his "breakfast" (ewww) and we both went to the toilet. On arriving back he found his pizza had been disposed of in a bin...

Not being one to waste a meal he went in after it, im not kidding, he was taking shit out of this bin and putting it on top, it was one of those box like bins they have in mc d's you know about a foot wide, so he was hunched down head nearly inside the thing attempting to find his pizza, and this guy gave him the funniest look I have ever seen and it lives with me to this day, he looked at him like "where did that hobbo escape from?"

Alas I couldn't contain my mirth any longer and began to piss myself laughing in the middle of this now crowded restaurant which just caused more people to look at me and then my mate, the restaurant was slowly going silent except for my insanely loud cackiling, as he, oblivious to it all was swearing his tits off looking for his lost pizza in this bin, by this point i was crying with laughter, like nearly on the ground i had to leave it was the fucking funniest thing I have ever seen to this day. I dont think he found it if my memory serves me correctly.

Sorry thats so long
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 19:55, More)

» Pubs

Random Crazy Crap
I worked in a pub; I encountered many strange individuals among them;

This crazy old lady who used to sidle up to young couples and start talking to them, much to the annoyance of the now, cock-blocked young gentleman. In absence of young couple she would merrily laugh to herself very loudly and talk gibberish.

I saw a girl get her thumb cut off by a very heavy toilet door slamming shut with momentum. (I still shudder thinking of that)

On more than a number of occasions pairs of boxers would be used as toilet paper in the event of the bathroom being out of toilet paper. (Always check there's paper there, people come on). The sight of a bouncer using shitty boxers on a stick to chase people out of the bar was however hilarious.

A guy trying to piss into a blocked urinal while I was in the process of unclogging with a mop. I was like "Dude come on. If you piss on my mop I'll shove it up your ass." although the mop was already covered in piss it's just a courtesy not to piss on another persons tools, or is that just me?

A streaker who didn't think things through, he stripped, ran through the dance floor, then in to the staff area, where not knowing where to go just ended up attempting to hide in the kitchen. It's very hard to hide in a small bar kitchen unless you jump into the fryer. His mates, being dicks, left with his clothes so he happily walked home wearing a promotional Fosters T-shirt and his socks.

The most gruesome however, was a girl who threw up in her own hair, passed out, smacked her head on the toilet and then proceeded to poop herself, now that's one hell of a hangover to deal with in the morning...
(Fri 6th Feb 2009, 1:24, More)

» Hotel Splendido

Henri IV classic French Hospitality
Many moons ago on what was to be our last family vacation ever my father had gotten a tip off about a cheap place to stay in the centre of Paris. No phones or internet involved my Da decided to write to them and make the reservation. The taxi driver in Paris had no idea where it was, not very promising...

On arrival there was one of those plaques on the wall, you know the kind that display how many stars the hotel had recieved, this one was conspicuously missing it's stars. Place was a hell hole, rats in the walls, cockroaches everywhere, the stairwell was a deathtrap. Breakfast consisted on a 4 inch piece of stale baguette with no butter, attempts to gain a crossiant were met with derisive laughter. Ohh and the cleaning staff were most insistent on doing thier job even if you were sleeping in the bed while they were making it.

However in fact my father was the cause of most of the disturbance during our stay; on every second floor there was a bathroom just set back from the stairwell. My father got up in the middle of the night to use said facilities not realising there was no bathroom on his floor. In the darkness he couldn't find his shoes so put on some slippers he found and off he tramped to the bathroom in his boxers and darkness.

Alas when he opened the door and fumbled around for a light switch or a urinal the lights suddenly came up as a French guy sat bolt upright in bed and started screaming probably thinking he was about to raped by a transvestite, in the darkness my Dad had not put on slippers but a pair of my mums red mules. "Shit sorry" my dad screamed back as he clip-clopped his way as fast as he could back to his room. followed by shouts in french.

That place was hell, after the first two hours it was obvious why they had no stars...
(Fri 18th Jan 2008, 19:06, More)

» School Sports Day

High jump... Low blow...
Wasn't a sports day but a PE lesson when we were training for the high jump, our sports teach was a tall fella and I at the time was just a mite. So we were practising for the high jump and the teacher would hold his hand in the air and you had to attempt to kick it while jumping over the bar. Being all pscyed up I went for it, I really did, but alas as i was about to jump I slipped, midway through a kick, hit the PE Teacher square in the nuts, I can still hear that groan. He wasn't to fond of me after that but I think it scarred me more.

Also hit the same guy in the nuts with a rugby ball a few years later (Think "Football in the groin" from the Simpsons)

The Kaiser
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 20:59, More)
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