» Apparently I'm a sex offender

txt offender
Once I received a message saying "please can you send me the Gareth Gates ringtone?"

I laughed, assuming it was a mate with a new mobile number....anyway, these txts were coming constantly and using my name also...hmmm....realised it wasn't one of my mates....so assumed it was an Irish ex-girlfriend ,(we'd had a somewhat messy split) and started replying stuff like "R U GETTING LUBED UP FOR ME PADDY"

and "I REALLY ENJOYED FUCKING YOU UP THE ARSE"

one Saturday night I got a phone call from some rather concerned parents calling me a pervert asking why I was txting filth to their 13 yr old daughter and threatening to phone the nonce squad..woooaaaaahhhh....once I explained, I threatened them with harassment....and changed my mobile number.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 12:11, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

Yep...sure I know Quark
I once applied for a post of 'Web Artist'

I had no idea what a web artist done...but being a web designer...i thought it was going to be similar...so sent in my CV, they called and asked me to come in for an interview. joy!

So....they ask about my skills and I tell them about my HTML/Flash skills etc etc...they're kind of looking a bit blank.

They notice I have 'Quark' on my CV...which to be honest, i used once, at university.

So, they ask about my quark skills...and I tell them I'm ..err...proficient in Quark "oh good, we have a little test for you"

erk

they left the room and left me to do a newspaper mock up in Quark....i stared blankly at it for 5 mins...tabs? rulers? whats aall this crap...err...ummm

one guy come back in the room for a pen and asks how I'm getting on.....'fine' i reply.

as soon as the door closes, i get my jacket and bag....quietly open a very creaky door....trip over a phone in the hall way and run down the stairs..pissing myself with laughter at my silent getaway...

teach me to tell porkies.

p.s can anyone tell me what a web artist is?
(Mon 10th Jul 2006, 10:30, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

at a stag weekend in Barcelona..
wow, i was absolutely steaming when I arrived in Barca at midnight with 3 mates...as soon as I stepped out the taxi with my suitcase a hooker asks "would you like your cock sucked for 20 euro"

i let her know that I had just stepped out a taxi and was going to get changed...but i would probably be back...

went back out...every ten steps along Las Ramblas I was propositioned....was going back to our apartment at around 4 in the morning please that I hadn't given in to temptation...just as I turn off Las Ramblas...there she is, the first one...and the price was down to 15 euro's....GET IN

it triggered the next 4 days of com,plete debauchery...i remember one night being sucked off down an alley by another one....then noticed some grubby spaniard watching....i went limp instantly and the ho looks up and says "what is wrong?" I pointed over to the grubby spaniard, she gets up off her knees and starts laying into him....causing so much of a scene that people come to start investigating...me, pulling my trousers up...then madam comes and links arms with me, like she's friggin royalty...

ahhh great weekend.
(Tue 24th Jan 2006, 17:27, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

not in lust but love...
I had the stupidity to get engaged to a girl that was crazy...

It wasn't enough that she always accused me of sleeping with other females....if I could doctor my story to cutting out females from the evening...she would accuse me of being gay.

One christmas I was staying at hers (she lived in Italy) I had a bastard hangover and was going through the usualy spanish inquisition(or brazilian inquisition in this case) Where were you? Who were you with? was there females? so...you were in a pub with no females? etc etc Being that my head was almost splitting, I tried to leave....next thing I knew, I was trying to escape, with her pulling at me with a force I never knew she had, i got to the door...whoops its closing...where have all the lights gone?....the nutter cracked me over the head with a candle stick holder and basically knocked me cold.

sex was fucking great though.
(Tue 21st Nov 2006, 9:54, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

Bratislava - London
years ago...before cheap airline travel....it was the done thing for cheap scotsmen like me to take the EuroCoach....or whatever it was called.

anyway...I got stuck getting the overnight bus to London from Bratislava....the driver had an Irish comedian on the tape deck for the 14 hours it took...every 5mins for the whole journey I heard "hey, d'ye like that one?....write it doon"

oh, and some dirty slovak vomited on the chair behind me.

I think I promised never to travel by coach again and to this day, never have.
(Mon 11th Sep 2006, 16:38, More)