» Child Labour

Getting on my tits
I had a sucession of crap jobs as a kid mainly to fun my weed habit. Did the usual paperrounds etc but in a dope induced year out I some how got a job at a local bacon factory. This place really was the seventh circle of hell. It reeked of death and shit and all the other workers were like some mike Leigh/Ken Loach nightmares. As if all this wasnt bad enough my actual job was to stand in line on a conveyor belt for 8 hours at a time wearing a white boiler suit holding a mecanised circular razor (looked like a magnifying glass) whilst sides of pork wizzed past. My role was to grab the mobile pork and shave of its nipples at a frantic pace which caused them to ping off in all directions often into my eyes and mouth - kind of like Pac-man but with cold dead pig tits. This went on for an entire summer, however I still eat bacon.
(Sat 18th Feb 2006, 16:57, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Are Friends Electric?
Apols in advance for legnth, I've never paid much attention to instructions and am proud to say i have never ever read a manual. I've usualy got away with it but a couple of time really suffered for my sloth. The best/worst time was after smoking are fair sized bag of weed, when my huge old twin tub washing machine broke down. Something told me it might be the fuse, having only seen this done by on TV I thought cant be hard. After dismanteling the plug with a butter knife I changed the fuse thinking piece of piss to myself smugly, and briefly considered a carear as an electrician. Unfortunately, for the life of me I could'nt get the back of the plug back on. After several attempts I thought fuck it I'll freestyle this and just put it in as is. the top prong went in fine and it was only when I pushed both bottom prongs in that I noticed the switch was on... several seconds (could have been minutes) I realise that, thumbs still attached I am literally wired up to the National Grid and am being shocked to fuck! I manage to let go and colapse heart racing and teeth chattering.Suffice to say my GF now deals with all matters electrical. As for legnth I must refer the honorable gentleman to the reply I gave a few moments ago.
(Sat 6th May 2006, 6:44, More)

» Dumb things you've done

"Electricity Shocks Shocker"
Back in the mid 90"s was a proud club head. Of course maintaining this took a fair but of pill popping and pairs of westwood Tartan trousers. One Saturday possibly my 19th B'day on the back of a three night handbag house session I woke at noon and realized I should do some laundry to impress all the fluffy Bikini'd "club Babes" that would be waiting at whatever provincial house club we were spending 5 hours driving to that night. For some reason though The washing machine refused to work... I was sleepy and very pill foggy from the night before but remebered something about changing a fuse... so I dismantled the plug. I did'nt actually know what a fuse was, so just popped out the round thing labelled "fuse". At which point I realised I couldnt put the together. No matter I thought I'll just stik it back in with no back. The top one went in no bother. The botton two prongs needed a push so on went both thumbs. I cant remeber the next few seconds but as the room swam away from me, and a deafening wooosh tore through my brain I can remeber seeing the switch set clearly to ON. God know how long this went on for. As soon as I flicked back to conciousness I realize "Fuck I'm being shocked here best let go". Fuck only know how long I was part of the national grid but it felt aces! I then spent five hours driving to Sheffield to watch Judge Jules bang out a godawful awful set of cheezy house, which was infact the dumbest thing I have ever done!
Length? At least 13amps
(Fri 21st Dec 2007, 22:44, More)