» Best Graffiti Ever

My mate sent me this...
...said he saw it on a toilet wall...legitimacy is unknown:


(Mon 7th May 2007, 4:20, More)

» Racist grandparents

A very uncomfortable meet-the-parents...
My (ex)girlfriend and I went to her parents house after six months of dating. I'd managed so far without having to meet any of them and was very pleased with myself, but the day had inevitably come. I hired a car to drive us there (in case I should need a quick escape) and on arrival on a crisp snowy morning in the Scottish Highlands we were greeted at the door by her parents. A lovely couple, who warmed to me immediately, as I did to them. Next came the first uncomfortable moment where we entered the house to find her entire family waiting to meet me. I mean ENTIRE family. Mother, father, sister, brother, cousins, uncles, aunts and grandparents. So after a four hour drive along the snowy, windy roads I was now faced with a sea of faces to meet and greet.

Somehow, I got through it. Well most of it, until I was introduced to her grandad, who was in deep conversation with her grandmother and hadn't looked up once. He turned to me and without hesitation said: "You're a darkie?!" He then turned to his granddaughter and asked "What's wrong with you? Could you not find a decent white boy?"

Now as a long-term b3ta and sickipedian, I found this outburst to be an excellent icebreaker. And replied: "What's wrong gramps? I thought everyone was here to get their shoes shined!" and chuckled heartily.

I don't know if it was just that everyone was embarrassed or offended by the exchange, but the rest of that afternoon was very stilted. We left early and headed home.

A massive argument on the drive home about my conduct, no invites at all to any family functions and the inevitable end of the relationship a few months later.
(Fri 28th Oct 2011, 5:56, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Seagull Platter
Once saw a guy coming out of a pub at midnight, staggeringly drunk. He vomited copious amounts of orangey goodness 3 times onto the road, whilst continuing to walk. Then a flock of seagulls came down for a feast. Then a taxi came down the road and ran over one of the seagulls...into the vomit. Worst thing was, the other seagulls returned to continue their meal, around their recently deceased buddy.

And the wind kept blowing its wing up and down, making it look like it was still alive. But it was dead. I checked.
(Sun 24th Jun 2007, 4:28, More)

» My first experience of porn

My idea of love comes from...
...a childhood glimpse of pornography...
(Sat 27th Jan 2007, 6:08, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

Fine Wines of the Prince of Wales
At the sprightly age of 13 I met Prince Charles after some charity work our school had done - was quite a sweet day, all expenses paid trip to London, free meal, free hotel, and of course the chance to meet HRH. Only thing was, I was just turning into a bit of a cheeky rebel, and the Prince came to our table just after I'd sampled the non-alcoholic wine. To which I said to him "Here, yer wine's pish man, there's nae alcohol in it".

He just chuckled and I got a detention.
(Fri 4th Aug 2006, 17:25, More)