b3ta.com user Darkpie
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» Ignoring Instructions

Do not mix with any other chemical

However me and my mates had some fertilizer (EDIT: might have been weedkiller now I think about it) that was about 70% sodium chlorate.

We thought it would be fun to mix it with sugar and light it.

It took a fair bit to light due to the fact it contained a flame retardant, but when it lit boy did it burn. The small pile we'd put on my mates path burnt a hole through the paving slab.

Cue experiment number 2. Copper pipe with a sealed end. drill hole through the side of the pipe and fill with previous mixture. seal other end of pipe. place match heads over hole, light and run like fuck.

Provided that you sealed one end less than the other, it will blow from the pressure and act like a copper rocket (not a ginger blokes cock).

Cue us boasting later that week to our chemistry teacher about our discovery.

Obviously our knowledge of pyrotechnics was limited in comparison to his, as he proceeded not to tell us to stop doing it because it was dangerous, he told us to take a few basic safety precautions

i.e. DON'T LET IT GET WET!!!!!



meaning that if it gets wet the whole tin (in which we had about 2 kilo's of the stuff) would commit suicide in the shallow grave in which it was hidden at the end of my mates garden.

Unfortunately for us, his parents got back from holiday that morning and we were therefore unable to dig the tin out without being spotted by the concerned parent gestapo.

3 days later a loud bang was heard in the middle of teh night which his parents put down to a car backfiring outside.

A 6 foot crater was at the end of the garden, and full of water due to teh heavy rainfall the night that it went boom.

They still know it was our fault, but they don't know how it happened.

Still, it killed 2 garden gnomes in the process

length? warum?
(Wed 10th May 2006, 9:40, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

My other doggie..
Actually, my wifes doggie is a very boisterous scottish terrier who love nothing more than grabbing the end of your jeans and attempting to throw you across the room in them.

He recently got over his fear of climbing and descending the stairs (he only has tiny legs, so the logistics for him were quite a challenge), and now has no fear of heights whatsoever.

For example; we took him to a local farm where she who must be obeyed was working. He was in the back of the car (landrover discovery) and appeared rather eager to get out and start chasing squirrels.

Now.. the back end of a discovery is about 2 1/2 feet from the ground, so we always reach in to pick him up and lower him to the floor.

On this occasion, for reasons known only to him, he decided that as soon as the door opened, he was getting out as quickly as possible.

It looked like a very graceful and well timed jump, however the wee man had not considered the drop that awaited him.

The poor little bugger did a face plant into the gravel, got up, shook himself off, and then attempted to run down to the stables. Now if anyone has seen a rabbit in the last stages of myxomatosis, they stumble and run wildly in random directions, and generally end up impacting something at high speed.

Well, he did. He ran "straight" into the nearby gate post. At this point, while obviously concussed, he decided to sit down and stare at us, as if to say "why did you let me do that?"
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 11:46, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

My doggie...
Is a rather excitable yet tremendously affectionate collie / lurcher cross. He loves nothing more than waiting until you've put your dinner down on the coffee table and watching you leave the room to grab a beer, as he always sees it as a means to vary his diet.

Unfortunately he tried this one day after i'd made a particulary hot chilli.

Aha!! I thought as I came back in the room, hopefully the burning sensation in his mouth will negate the craving for his dads food.

.....however, he didn't even flinch. That is until the next morning when I took him for a walk before going to work.

He did the "move your back legs as forward as possible" pose so that he didn't shit on his heels, and proceeded to start curling one out.

There's me stood there, my dog having a shit, and whining louder than I've ever heard him as the ring sting kicks in.

Poor little sod didn't have a clue what was going on as the habanero's i'd used were chemically removing the lining of his anus..

I couldn't help but laugh....

And he still steals food when he thinks he can get away with it.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 11:27, More)

» The B3TA Detective Agency

Supposed "friends" on facebook
My Ex wife (after she decided to leave) had an incredible amount of info on my relationships post marriage, and was trying everything to annoy / harrass me after I decided to carry on with my life.

I decided to look through my "friends" to see who was still in contact with her and then fed them all the same story, but with slightly different details about what I was doing (there was something similar in a John LeCarre book). The theory being, the details she acquired would point to the culprit.

Lo and behold, a few days later I got a verbatim account via email of how I was being "unfaithful" (even though she'd already left for 6 months) and 2 separate sets of details were included...

2 very polite messages to the once trusted people telling them in no uncertain terms where they could insert their own heads and I've been left alone since.

George Smiley would've been proud.
(Thu 13th Oct 2011, 17:16, More)

» Insults

Overheard in a pub...
Chap 1: Fuck off you queer!!!

Chap 2: Me, Queer? Thats rich coming from you!!! You're so far in the closet you're in fucking Narnia!!!

Oh I did chuckle!!
(Thu 4th Oct 2007, 16:29, More)
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