b3ta.com user MisterPunch
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» Dodgy boozers

A pub called "The Fiddle"
It was a vile inn.
(Fri 7th Feb 2014, 16:57, More)

» Banks

Due to a bank error
I found myself £200 better off.

I was able to buy a hotel on Park Lane. Still lost the game though.
(Thu 16th Jul 2009, 13:59, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

The exact opposite of erotic...
Many moons ago in the 1970s when I was a student, during the summer hols I worked in a large mental hospital in the North of England as a 'temporary psychiatric nursing assistant'. Ostensibly I was providing relief cover for 'proper' psychiatric nurses. In fact I was given all the shitty jobs. Three weeks on a dysentary ward. *Shudders*

But I spent some time on a ward for 'the bad boys' - the violent ones, the fireraisers, shit-throwers, dead bird eaters, escape artists, compulsive wankers and general chancers. None of them with a mental age of more than five, but in adult bodies with adult urges. Some of the urges were quite strange as we shall see.

Some of our patients spent the day 'at work'. (D'you remember those hand-painted 'Britains' models you used to get? Well, guess who hand-painted them?) Others couldn't hack that, so spent their days in the playground. Apart from breaking up the occasional fight or attempt at buggery, they could be left under 'light supervision'. It really was a playground: it had industrial strength swings, see-saws and climbing frames and a great big fuck-off sandpit.

Sunday was visitors day, so if you were on duty you had to clean the boys up, put them in their Sunday best and impress upon them in the strongest possible terms that they had better behave themselves.

Sunday lunch was always nerve racking. What you didn't want was shit, piss, bad language, inappropriate touching, food throwing or anything that would upset the visitors to put in an appearance. Normally visiting time passed without anything major happening, but one event is indelibly etched into my memory.

There was a commotion at one of the tables, the visitors gaping in horror through the window. And what a sight to behold! One of our largest and ugliest patients was running around the playground, stark naked, laughing manically and furiously wanking his terrifyingly large dick; this and his fist were liberally smothered in some white gunk that he'd found to use as a lubricant. At the crucial moment he launched himself head first (arf!) into the sandpit.

Myself and the charge nurse dragged him inside, yours truly getting the delightful job of cleaning him up and checking for injuries. While cleaning off a thing like a cement condom, I discovered what the lubricant was: toothpaste. Add that to the gravel rash and you can imagine the state of his knob.

I never want to see anything like that again.
(Thu 28th May 2009, 17:55, More)

» Messing with people's heads

Inadvertent messing with Nan's head
I just overheard a weird conversation in a local caff this lunchtime. There were a bunch of wifies on the next table, and once I'd ordered lunch I started to pick up bits of a conversation between 'Darren's Nan' and 'Darren's Mum':

Nan: ...so I had to get on the bus to go to Marks and Spencer's to get some sushi for Darren's tea.

Mum: Aye, he mentioned you gave him something weird.

Nan: That's what he asked for when I phoned him on his mobile: cheese, sushi and chips.

(By now I was fully tuned in. The other old biddies were giving each other 'WTF?' looks.)

Nan: well, you know the kids these days, they like all kinds of stuff.

Mum: And he asked for cheese, sushi and chips???!!!

Nan: Aye, I had to get the bus up to Marks & Spencer's...

(I see a light go on behind Darren's Mum's eyes.)

Mum: So you phoned Darren, asked him what he wanted for his tea, and he said cheese, sushi and chips...

Nan: Aye

Mum: Or maybe sushi, cheese and chips...

Nan: Eh?

Mum: Sushi, cheese and chips... (Faster)Sushi, cheese and chips... Sushicheese and chips... Sussijeez-n-chips...

(I swear I never saw this coming)

Mum: (slowly and deliberately): Soss - idges - and - chips. Sausages and chips.

Nan: Aw, fuck.

Luckily the hoots of old ladies' laughter covered the sound of me snorting coffee out of my nose.
(Tue 17th Jan 2012, 16:37, More)

» Crazy Relatives

My Dad went shopping
Drove off, heading for Sainsbury's. Came back 3 minutes later.

Him: "I took the spare car keys by mistake."

Me: "Does it matter?"

Him: (as if I'm an idiot) "They're the SPARE KEYS!"

Me: Yes, I got that, but why does it matter?

Him: (now almost apoplectic) "THEY'RE THE SPARES!!!"

And off he goes in a huff. With the 'right' keys this time.

Who knows?
(Mon 9th Jul 2007, 14:39, More)
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