» Going Too Far

oh yeah- the day I displayed my lady poo
when I was a lot younger and I was angry with my mum, I had a shit and wiped my arse on a bit of toilet tissue (as you do) before placing it, quite strategically, on my mum's pillow.

I went too far.
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 0:38, More)

» Going Too Far

kicking alex o up the arse
in year 7, there was a chubby boy who, for the purposes of this post I shall call 'alex' (because that is indeed his name).

He was a 'townie' before townies became known as chavs.

anyway he was irritating and had a gold nike earring, he would also occasionally hassle me.

In the playground one autumn day his mates were playing around with him, doing the whole play fighting business- one of them had him in a head lock. His arse was pointed straight at me. How could I resist?

I delivered a great, almighty boot to the afore mentioned gluteous. It felt good. I was usually such a quiet girl- but anger at my oppression had been slowly festering and accumulating within me. Next thing I knew he was bright red in the face and in tears screaming "WHO DID THAT! WHO BOOTED ME UP THE ARSE?!"

Seeing his rage I felt a little nervous. I stood there and said nothing, knowing that a huge crowd of his mates had witnessed me doing the deed. But, luckily for me, the girl who fancied him was an attention whore, and loved nothing more than being chased by boys so she said she did it. I actually felt quite miffed that, having just revealed my true nature to the class, someone else was taking the credit. He then beat the shit out of her.
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 13:08, More)

» Going Too Far

My mate
My mate is quite unfortunate. He was squatting in an abandoned house in Llandudno with some mates and was fast asleep on the floor when all of a sudden the windows were smashed and a gang of what can only be described as welshmen came running into the room.

They beat the living daylights out of my friend and his friends and left, without stealing anything.
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 13:33, More)

» Going Too Far

the incident of the shed
I was deeply wounded (not literally; he wasn't that big) by my first relationship, particularly its demise.

anyway I was at some girl from college's birthday party, which was at her house, in the middle of nowhere- the nearest village was about 5 miles away down a long winding road and happened to be where my ex lives.

I got absolutely fucked on god knows how much alcohol, having bought a crate of cheap toilet water carling with my cousin earlier on, drinking most of that and moving on to all the other beverages that stood before me.

I went on to insult a black guy and afterwards felt very ashamed- I tried to tell him that under normal circumstances I would never offend him: "normally I wouldn't say that, because you are black" etc.

and then left the house in a huff. The only destination I could possibly have in this state was my ex's shithole village, or back to the shithole house. I chose the former ("'cause I heard it was warmer"-FLC)

anyway, after using my mobile phone to light up the otherwise barely visible signs ("ex's shit hole village- 5 miles")I arrived at his house. It was december and I was very, very cold, although the alcohol kept me from feeling even colder.

I had decided that I wanted to talk to my ex. About what I have no idea but given that it was 4 AM and he never gets out of bed later than 2 PM, I had a long wait. One in which I would probably have died from hypothermia. So, in my desperation, I climbed on top of the bins and jumped over the wall into his garden; he had a large log cabin thing in his garden which was really warm.

sadly it was locked. The shed however was not so I went in there with next door's cat, who was far too appreciative of my presence for my liking.

I found an old fireman sam duvet (or something like fireman sam) and tried to keep myself warm with that, though it was wet due to a leak in the ceiling.

His mum found me at about 7AM because she'd seen the shed light on. Either that or my ex had told her I'd sent a text informing of my whereabouts. lazy bastard. His mum was very nice about it though, seeing as I was at death's door (not just her door) and gave me some tea and drove me home.

I was quite popular at college before that incident. My ex told everyone about it though and bitched about how I'd killed his mother's vegetables by trampling all over them. ah well.

the most embarrassing thing about all it is that I left an old abba record I found on the record player.
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 1:02, More)

» Going Too Far

a local memorial club
none of things I've done are particularly funny, but they are too far.

when I heard that a local memorial bar had a rule about not letting women in (they do now, but only on certain days) I got drunk and spray painted "misogynists and rapists drink here" on the front of the building.

That was over a year ago and you can still see it even though they tried to scrub it off and I am sort of ashamed of it whenever I go past, although part of me thinks it fair enough.

I got a police caution for it. Still I never got done for the vandalising of the churches, a random car, the family car of someone who was a total bitch at primary school, the school sign, the gun club, the bus shelter whre the chavs hung out...

oh what fun it was being a sexually frustrated teenager.
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 0:34, More)