» Useless advice

Wisdom of the Elderly
I was having tea with a friend and her Nan who I generally regarded as very prim and proper. At the tender age of thirteen I had my first boyfriend and was chattering away about how wonderful he was.
Her Nan looked at me seriously and said 'Don't have children too early' Sound advice admittedly.
What came next was more of a shock
'You know if i'd have known about buggery when I got married i'm not sure i'd ever have had any - maybe you should try that instead of sex'.
The silence in the room was deafening.
(Thu 26th Oct 2006, 10:26, More)

» Accidental innuendo

We had the decorators in - hmmm possibly a joke there somewhere
We had a couple of guys in to rip out our old kitchen and replace with a new sparkly one. Charlie must have just been shy of 7 foot and everytime he went in and out of our back door *cough cough* he would hit his head on the hedge that grew along side it. My Mum decided to do something about it and next time she saw him proudly announced

"Did you notice? I trimmed my bush so you won't keep hitting you face on it"

Utter silence all round .....
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 9:27, More)

» Intense Friendships

20 Something So No Excuse!
Although straight as a die I do engage every now and again in a bit of girlie snogging action.

My best mate and I were chilling out in my living room with a fair few bottles of wine and having a bit of a smoke and regailing the tales of the best/worst kissers we'd ever encountered (horror stories aplenty!). When she came over all paranoid that somebody out there was sitting exactly in the same position as us talking about her.

She decided she needed to know whether or not she was a good kisser and since I was the only one present I was to be the one to find out.

Much giggling later I confirmed that all was well. This apparently was not enough and dragged me in to the centre of town to find a suitable male tester. Cue some poor lad staggering home being pounced upon by said mate without so much as a hello. Feeling bored myself I didn't hesitate when I was invited to join in.

Good night had by all but left us feeling rather red faced in the morning. Still my friend even if I sometimes I get the odd flashback at the most inopportune momments!

Two girls so apologies for lack of length or girth.
(Tue 1st Aug 2006, 9:55, More)

» Barred

Only attempt when on holiday
One of my best mates and I had recently returned from a girlie holiday in Tenerife. Drinking games in bars had been played a plenty and being pissed up in my local I decided to showcase my newly learned talent.

Drinking a pint of beer with no hands.

For those of you who have never attempted this, it involves sitting/laying on a table and suctioning the pint glass around your mouth before tipping your head back and letting the foamy goodness tip down your throat.

Cue me almost choking to death flailing about sending pints, bottles of wine and glasses on a nice trip through the air. Bar manager looks up to see me sitting on the pub table drenched in my own pint looking like a wet t-shirt contestant with everyone elses drinks in a pile on his normally quite clean floor.

Pretending I had had an Epileptic fit didn't quite cut it.
(Thu 31st Aug 2006, 12:38, More)

» Awesome Sickies

School Days
A mate of mine works in a school and is constantly amazed at the absolutely crap excuses that the students manage to come up with when they are late or miss a day completely. In the list are:

1) I'm late because my Mum told me I had to have a shower. (ewwww - this was a fifteen year old boy! - do people not shower anymore?)

2)My Mum's car broke down and I had no way of getting to school. (this from a kid who lived 1mins walk away)

and last but certainly not least:

3)My cat was sitting in the middle of the path and I couldn't get out of my front garden (attack of the killer cats perhaps?.)
Personally i'd stick to the tried and tested dodgy tummy excuse.
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 13:51, More)