b3ta.com user Onion Terror
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» Terrible Parenting

Terrible great-grandparenting
This one doesn't refer to me, but my grandmother. When she was growing up in Liverpool, they lived in real poverty - four kids to a bed, no food, leaving school at 11, that sort of thing. So their main 'treat' during the year was the trips to Blackpool their father took them on.

Unfortunately, their father was an alcoholic. He would take them to Blackpool, walk them into a police station and tell the policemen that he'd found the children roaming the streets. He would then head down to the pub for the next 6 hours and spend the money saved to treat his children to a nice day out, before coming back to the station at the end of the day and reclaiming his children. This happened often enough that the police got to recognise him, but they kept accepting the 'lost' children. I think they realised that if they looked after the kids, they'd at least get fed and looked after, whereas otherwise it was sitting on the pavement outside the pub all day.

Quite depressing really!
(Thu 16th Aug 2007, 10:43, More)

» Child Labour

Babysitting Hell
When I was a slip of a girl at 15, my mother said she had a babysitting job for me. All I had to do was look after two of her friend's children for the weekend while their parents went away, and I'd get one hundred pounds! At the time, this was untold riches, and so I accepted.

Of course, you'll already guess that the weekend was hell. I got there to find that one of the kids had Asperger's, and the other wouldn't let me alone for five seconds. I also had to feed a psycho cat and clean out two tortoises that stank of shit. The house was creepy and msot of the lights didn't work, and the house computer had such delightful entries in the AutoComplete as 'hottest pissing housewives'. It got worse when I realised that I was being paid just under 2 for each hour I was working.

Still, I figured 100 was a pretty good haul for a weekend sitting and watching kids' films, so when they offered me a whole week, Monday to Friday, while they went to Madeira, I accepted. This time, I said I wanted to be paid 2.50 an hour, 60 a day - I didn't think that was unreasonable for looking after two children, one with special needs, and three pets, cooking, cleaning, doing homework with them, and taking the kids to and from their school on my way to mine.

But no! They waited until they got back from their holiday - until after I'd done the work - and then the stingy fucking father said that if I wanted more money, then he wasn't going to pay me for all the hours I wasn't looking after them. This included when they were at school and when they were sleeping! I saw red at this point, but I believe my vague words were 'Give me the money I'm owed or I'll tell the police you left your kids with a teenager all week.'

They paid up, but I wasn't asked to sit again. They must have found some other poor sap to work for a pittance wage. The dad was such a cheap twat though, he told my mum that to rent their villa would cost x for five people and 2x for ten people... because you know, an extra five people staying there would cost him twice as much. Mum, to her credit, told him where to stick it.
(Tue 21st Feb 2006, 13:20, More)

» Stupid Dares

Rip-off merchant
Growing up, one of my friend's cousins dared his brother to cartwheel down the stairs in their house for 50p.

Result for the brother: a broken collarbone, a dislocated shoulder, and no 50p!
(Mon 5th Nov 2007, 13:51, More)

» Too much information

My good friend Emily
Ah, Em. She's queen of TMI. She seems so quiet and meek, but then sometimes she just pops out with the most random, horrifying stuff.

For example: we both caught salmonella at the same time from a mutual friend's dodgy barbecue, and once it had been diagnosed and cleared up with antibiotics, we still were both really run down and exhausted for a week or two afterwards. Anyway, a month or so later we were in the pub, and discussing how awful it was.

Me: You know what the worst part was?
Em: Spewing out of both ends at once and having sick going everywhere!
Me: ... no, the tiredness afterwards
Em: ...ah.

It shut the whole table up for a minute before the conversation awkwardly moved on.

Em has also detailed the size of her then-boyfriend's cock with an elaborate both-hands-required gesture and shouted 'It's like being sawn in half!' in the middle of a very quiet moment down the pub. As she's absolutely tiny, it didn't bear thinking about. Yikes!
(Tue 11th Sep 2007, 17:53, More)

» Pathological Liars

Lying and liars
When me and my best friend were younger, we were in the Girl Guides and once every four years they'd do a 'County Camp' where all the Guides from Wiltshire would get together and generally have a gay old time (yes, we really did). Anyway, growing up, me and my best friend both had bum-length blonde hair and as such, we were mistaken for sisters a lot. This camp was no exception.

After the second day of 'are you two sisters?' from everyone from other guides, raftmaking instructors, and a linedancer, we decided to have some fun. We started telling people that yes, we were sisters, with the same dad, and that our uncle was Ewan McGregor. We backed this up to detractors with a few bits of trivia we'd heard on a program about said actor, and thought no more of it until we overheard two of the Guide Leaders saying 'Did you know, Ewan McGregor's nieces are at this camp?' three days later. Yes, our lie had spread around several hundred Guides and everyone was talking about us!

As for liars I've met... our so called friend tells the most whopping lies about how ill she is. Everything is cancer with her! A couple of her worst include the 'hole in her heart' which turned out to be an irregular heartbeat (unpleasant but harmless); when she had diabetes which turned out to be 'a rare form of diabetes that I can't remember the name of' which enables her to stuff down handfuls of jelly babies but only lets her eat crisps at barbecues; and her arthritis that turned out to be plantar fascitis. This rendered her 'unemployable' up until the point she actually found a job she liked, at which point it magically disappeared.
(Fri 30th Nov 2007, 21:26, More)
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