» And that's the thanks I got

Imagine my surprise
What's the thanks I get for getting all my work done early?

More work.

Pfft.
(Fri 25th May 2007, 3:50, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

I got tha power
I used to mess about with Ouija boards and whatnot. Read peoples' cards, pretend to do Reiki on them (relax, I never took any money for it), this and that, but didn't take it too seriously. However, maybe I woke something up.

I was dating someone who I was quite serious about. Whilst waiting for his call, I discovered he was out with his ex-gf. Immediately, the following occurred:
1) The VCR stopped dead in the midst of recording a movie.
2) The lightbulb above my head made a loud "pop" sound and went dark.

I changed the lightbulb. Turned thoughts to what to do about rat bastage and his ex. New bulb went "pop." Darkness again.

The third lightbulb was good, and life resumed.

The creepiest thing is, I married him anyway - a mistake I later remedied, but still. Let this be a lesson to you. If the actions of your beloved cause you such distress that electricity shoots from your eyeballs, this is a clear indication the arrangement is not in your best interests.
(Mon 24th Apr 2006, 6:01, More)

» Useless advice

East is North
When I (a white girl) dated a First Nations guy (American Indian to you stateside) at age 15, my father sat down with me for a chat and imparted the only advice he ever gave to me in my life. Followed by about 20 minutes of grade-A old-school Masonic racism, he finished with, "Stick to your own kind."

So I married two white guys in a row. My fault entirely for my bad judgement in choosing these particular gents, but no matter. On the bright side, the therapy was a complete success and the debts will all be paid off in January, 2011, so then maybe I'll get my credit rating back and be able to get a car.

Now that I am happily married for years to a Pakistani man, people are still helpfully telling me why it'll never work.

Conclusion: The only reason people give advice is because they want you to fail, as they have done. Then they can tell their friends, "You see? I told you."
(Sat 21st Oct 2006, 16:17, More)

» Childhood Ambitions

Deanna Troi, Government Counsellor
My ambition since I was just a slip of a girl was to be a psychologist. Being off my rocker myself, I was confident I would be able to understand and assist others in the same condition.

University killed the dream. First, the head of the Psychology Dept. was known informally as "Dr. Katzenratz" for his propensity to extol the virtues of attaching electrodes to the brains of small furry creatures. All for science of course, but I found myself a bit at odds with that way of thinking. Secondly, I failed Statistics class (entirely the fault of my dyscalculia, my hormones, and a handsome distraction named Mark.)

I now work for the government and have to practically hit my co-workers to get them to stop telling me their problems. Yes, I am an excellent counsellor, but they're only paying me to be a clerk so: until you lot are willing to pay me a psychologist's salary, piss off and let me do my clerking in peace.

Thank you.
(Thu 29th Mar 2007, 13:27, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

A selection of hits
- My brother and I got snorty over the limo driver's extremely long face and mopey manner... at my father's funeral. I am so sorry, really I am, put it down to grief coming out in strange ways.

- School friend of mine (school was very long ago for me) was shot dead by her husband. Much weeping and due solemnity. The hymn is announced. Familar tune begins on the sound system... Guns N Roses?! And me without my lighter.

- Thanks to seeing life as a never-ending adventure of learning, as of three weeks ago I now know how to prepare a dead body for burial, from last breath to laying a lily on the mound of earth. (Fact: You must bind the jaw soon after expiry, or the tongue will stick out and you won't be able to get it back in.)

Well you bloody asked, didn't you?
(Fri 12th May 2006, 3:11, More)