» Lies I told on my CV

Not really a lie, but damn unfortunate...
When I was 16 I was desperate to get out of the shitty job I had as a table scrubber in a local resturant, so I looked around and applied for other jobs. A Trespass shop in town were looking for weekend staff, so I walked in and they told me to just hand in a CV. Needless to say, as soon as I got home, I began working on it.

Being 16, I didn't really know much about writing CVs, so I told my parents what I wanted on it, and got them to write it for me. A few hours later, I went downstairs and went to see what my parents came up with. They had written the worst CV imaginable, as a joke, with things such as "The shop is opposite Blockbuster so it will be easy to spend my wages" and "I think till work will be a peice of piss" on it, my current job listed as "Table scrubbing bitch who sometimes makes sandwhiches in kitchen"....and my hobbies as "Lazing about and wanking". After I read it, they showed me the REAL copy, which was perfect. Next day, I shoved it into an envlope and handed it into the shop.

When I got home I discovered the real, proper CV lying on my desk.

I think you can work out for yourself what happenend. I never heard back.
(Tue 11th Jul 2006, 14:43, More)

» Strict Parents

Eeek...
Countless years ago when I was a child of 16 (three), I had a good friend in school called, and for the sake of protection, lets say, Robert. One weekend when his parents were to be out of the house, he invited me to stay overnight. I got on well with this lad and was one of my best mates, so happily agreed.

Said to parents on Friday "Going to stay at Roberts tommorow", to which they werent too fussed about and just said "thats nice". However, over dinner, father asks me why I was invited to stay the night, to which I replied "His parents are out". As soon as meal was finished, he took me upstairs to have what he told me was going to be "a serious talk".

Basically, he was worried about his parents not being there, in case there was a fire in the house or something : I thought of this in my head as just being regular parent worries, and assured him we would be fine. However, next question was : "Has Robert ever touched you in a place you didn't want to be touched?". I responded "No, of course not!". Next of course was "Is Robert straight?". I responded "Yes". However, these answers weren't enough to convince him it was a good idea, so they wouldn't let me go! I spent the next 2 hours trying to formulate something else to say to Robert when he asks why I couldn't stay than "My Dads afraid you'll bum me".

You know what the REALLY scary thing is about this? I only recently got talking to him again after we lost contact when we were 17 (im 19 now) and he is completly 100% openly gay, has a boyfriend and everything. Did I mention he resembles a beach ball? Might have actually narrowly escaped that one...
(Mon 12th Mar 2007, 2:31, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

Tesco are idiots.
A few years back, pre-university trying to gather up money to go to university (not a lot of saving took place...), I was working as a till monkey in the local Tesco. One sunday, I was working in the Customer Service desk by myself on a quiet afternoon when a lad comes up to me to purchase a lottery ticket. Being the polite young Tesco drone that I am, I happily stop reading my 'temporarily free' copy of Q, oblige and start processing the ticket.

Then the machine jammed. Not trained on how to handle machine jams, and in full knowledge my boss was busy, I attempted to fix it. I knew there was button to open it somewhere...so I pushed this little red button.

That was mistake number one.

No joy. Customer says "Its no bother, i'll just go to WHSmith.

Ten seconds later, I get a phonecall. I pick up and declare that they have called Tesco in Fort William, that my name is Christopher and how may I help them? Answer to this? A chilling male voice: "Do you need police assistance?!". No...we didn't...so I told him this. A sterm "Hmmm..." was the reply, and I offered to get the manager. "Please hurry up, I have two minutes to decide". So I forward the call as fast as possible to the managers office.

5 minutes of nothing exciting pass, and my manager storms down and declares "WHY DID YOU PRESS THE PANIC BUTTON?!". Shit. That "red button" was the stores panic button! Not wanting to make him more pissed than he already was (he was a VERY irritable boss that was hungover) I said "Wasn't me"in a very convincing voice.

That was mistake number two.

Manager storms off to phone Central Security complaining of a broken panic alarm. Central Station confirm Panic Alarm went off. Store manager says no one touched it. Because the Panic Alarm "went off by
itself", it was a matter of urgency and an engineer had to be called to the store.

Now, engineers are expensive. ESPECIALLY on....thats right. Sundays. He was in for around 3 hours trying to work out what was wrong,because it "looked fine". He ended up having to get a new one and install that and test it.

This cost the company around £200. All because I didn't own up.

Length? Your mum didn't complain.
(Thu 25th Oct 2007, 17:52, More)

» Debt pron

Cunting Taxi Drivers...
Went out with some mates one night, but beforehand, having lost my bank card, I needed to go into the bank to withdrawl some money. I asked for £100, as I still needed to buy some stuff in town. Unfortunatly, the forgien bank clerk gave me two £50 notes. This wouldnt have pissed me off so much if I didnt get a taxi home that night, absolultly pissed, and after the driver saying "£9.49 please" I unwillingly handed him a £50 note thinking it was a tenner and said "Keep the change".

Never got the rest of it back. Cunt.
(Wed 29th Nov 2006, 16:24, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

Stalk-tastic.
Once upon a time Chris had a stalker.

I first "met" this stalker after she left a comment on my MySpace page (back in the self-pitying days when I bothered my arse with MySpace) basically saying hi and that I looked cool and all of the regular internet-flirting bullsit. I had no intention of dating her, but I decided to go for it and just be friendly, she seemed nice enough so we got chatting, eventually leading to second base. Yeah, thats right, MSN.

Anyhow, weirdly enough, she gave me her number, which I thought was a bit strange but what the hell, I gave her a text saying something goofy like "Boo". That was probably the biggest mistake.

Conversation on MSN simmered down after around 5 minutes and I made my excuses and went offline. Two minutes after going offline, she calls my mobile. Thats right. She called my mobile after knowing me over the internet for percisely 10 minutes.

Needless to say, I rejected the call. But then my phone rang again. Reject. Then a text message "Why aren't you answering?". I repied saying that I was busy.

She tried calling me later on that night, and out of sheer boredom, I answered. She seemed ok, and we spoke for about an hour, after which I got a text saying "I think we should start now".

I didn't reply, and on MSN the next day she asked me about it and I pretended that I had fallen asleep. So we talked a bit again (Webcam? Oh yes, she wanted to do Webcam. Of course.) and after I said I had to go, she said "I love you" and changed her screename to "I love my Chris".

Right, panic stations. I am being told that someone who has "known" me for less than 24 hours "loves me". Cue blocking from msn.

She tries to call me. Cue searching online frantically for instructions on how to use the blacklist option on my phone.

She leaves dozens of comments and messages saying things like "baby whats wrong?" on my MySpace. Cue deleting my MySpace account (which felt good, actually)

She uses OTHER phone numbers and MSN accounts in order to reach me. Cue changing my MSN address and telling all of my friends that my phone is going to be switched off for a week or so. After two weeks I turned my phone back on to be greeted with around 150 missed calls and around 60 texts, all from her.

You know whats really really scary though?

I only remembered this because I got a friend request from her on Bebo the other day. I created my Bebo account AFTER this incident, with my new email address. The whole thing happened three years ago...
(Fri 6th Jun 2008, 21:29, More)