» Family Holidays

Haven Holidays
Me and my then best mate james went with my Dad, Nan, Grandad and Great Uncle Tom to one of the Haven Holiday caravan sites in Cornwall.

We were there 3 days, and we pulled twins, albeit from a Mormon family. They were up for anything. Highlight of most men's lifes. Trouble was, the one that James got was fun, fun, fun; mine was a bit more "square". Think the Twins from Sweet Valley High (Mine was Liz, hers was Jess: I know it's sad but thats the best example I can come up with). Both fit and up for the craic, but his was more open to suggestion!

We had great fun for 3 days. Last night, they invite us back to there caravan as their parents have gone out. Fun occurs. Lots of getting naked type fun. Until headlights flash across the window. Ma and Pa twin are home.

We get caught, dragged back to our van, bollocked collectively by their parents and mine. Finding both daughters with one set of pants on between them didn't go down too well.

Me, James and my family were collectively banned from all Haven Holiday camps.

Thing was my dad shook me by the hand as we exited the Managers office muttering - "twins, naked, brilliant..."
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 17:28, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Women..
1) I pulled a PE student once. She was fit, lythe and gymnastic. She also treated sex like a session at the gym. She would count the thrusts out loud, and shout "encouraging things" like, "is that all you've got", "another 10", "keep pumping, only another 5 to go". Apparently, thats what her ex liked. Weirdo.

2) At Uni, I pulled a 17 year old in The Raz. She was fit, up for it and ready to go. We nip into the ladies, she lifts up her skirt and in I go. Doggystyle is good, and we both reach a satisfactory conclusion about 5 minutes later. She jumps off, and disappears off to get her coat so we can go home to try some other things.

Trouble was, she was surfing the crimson tide, and the front of my jeans and my white t-shirt are now covered in blood. I have to walk out of the club looking as though I'd been shot in the groin. I got stopped by the police twice on the way home.

3) Last day of Year 12. Big party at Lara's. The whole 6th form is there, apart from Karen, the girl I've been after.

I proceed to celebrate the end of school education by drinking myself sideways. Lara's parties are famous for the amount of booze available, so by 1am I'm Boris Yeltzin on a bad day.

Trouble is, I've nowhere to sleep. SO the Hostess, Lara, offers to share her caravan with me. The obvious happens. Littel did I know how loud Lara was. Halfway through, Her mum walks in holding a torch and a knife, wondering what all the noise is about. I've got Lara on her back, holding her legs up in the air, going at her hammer and tongs and begging me to "f*ck her hard".

Needless to say, I wasn't invited back again.

The thing was, we went on a biology field trip later in Year 13, and repeated the same outcome. Trouble was it was in a very crowded Youth Hostel, and both of us had to ring home to tell our parents we were heard having sex. Lara's parents came and picked her up, mu dad said how proud he was of me...

Sorry for the length, I got excited...
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 14:58, More)

» Awesome Sickies

A recent addition
Being as I am the 1st person in the department in most morning, when people are off sick they email the work they want their classes to do to me to dish out.

My fellow NQT MMS'ed me this morning with a picture of a sexy and very naked lady, lying in bed, taken by himself. The message read "I really don't give a f*k about the excuse you make up for me, but would you come in if you found this in your bed?"

I said that he had anal sores caused by a very active weekend. Can't wait for HR to read that and put it on his record of sickness..
(Tue 13th Jun 2006, 14:02, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Medical problem
I once had a very serious knee injury, and spent 2 weeks on these ultra-painkillers just so I was able to be awake. They were the business, but on the bottle was the worlds biggest "do not drink alcohol whilst on these pills".

Friday night and straight to the bar after work. 1 pint won't hurt. That one went down so quick I thought another would be ok.

10 minutes later, at 7pm, I'm being taken from the pub by some friendly people in yellow coats as I'm halucinating, and basically I started throwing everything I can at the devil behind the bar. Apparently, I threw bottles and ash-trays at something behind the bar, but no-one else could see anything or get me to stop.

Luckily, the ambulance bloke knew what to do as my friend handed the pill packet to him, and he gives me something to help. 3 hours later, I'm wrapped in a blanket in Queens Med, shaking like mad but with my eyes only seeing normal things again.

I went ack to the pub the next day, and it turns out that Satan was the cat in the Bacardi advert. I like cats, but when ever I see those adverts now, I still feel a bit wierd to say the least.
(Thu 4th May 2006, 13:29, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Exams 2
Whilst at Liverpool, it came to our finals - 4 end of term exams that decide eveything. We all get given our provisional timetables and there is a small note

"Please check this through to make sure you have been registered for the correct exams. Exam times may change - check notice board for updates. Final timetable available 1 week before 1st exam".

1st exam. 19th May. Ordinary Differential Equations. This is one of mine. Next one after this is on the 27th. Only need to revise for this one to start with.

Me not being the best attender, did the usual - chat up "nice but plain girls who have been to all lectures and has lots of notes" at Friday Night Disco, buy them drinks, occasional snogging, get notes off them following day and revise from them. This is just over a week before the exams start. To make this more interesting, after exam crapness in prior tests, I need about an 80% average in these 4 exams to get a PASS.

I then went on a pre-exam 6 day long bar crawl, visiting all my friends, taking in Nottingham, Sheffield, Manchester, Newcastle and Kent. Got back on the 16th, start revising a bit, but in general play CM2 and Goldeneye. Night of 17th, go to Medication at Cream, thinking that this will be the last Hurah before exams.

Get drunk sideways. 2am, getting chips and gravy from Star Kebabs, see Adam, friend from course, heading home from the library.

"How are you?" I ask
"worried about tomorrow!!" he replies,
"Tomorrow? Why?" I question,
"Ordinary Differential Equations exam, can't beleive they moved it forward to 830am today - been in the library all this week revising!"

Realisation happens. Chips disposed off. 10 minutes journey to all night garage for Red Bill, Pro Plus and tabs. In 5 hours I revised like never before. I walked into the exam in a state that could only be described as sloth like. I actually apologised to the people around me because I stunk of booze.

Did exam. No memory of any question. Ended up getting 87%. I couldn't remember a thing.
(Thu 4th May 2006, 15:58, More)