» Bad Ideas

Life lesions
So what do you do if someone dares you to climb into an old oil drum and get rolled down a hill?

Top tip! You say "No" and then you say "Fuck off".

Because, you see, the thing is that whilst they make look all lovely and friendly, they're made of metal with the texture of a cheese grater inside. Plus, they're made of metal which means that they're quite loud when they roll. Plus they're made of metal and so have no padding.

I had expected to leap out, grinning and then have sex with Sarah.

What actually happened was that my friends started to drag me out and then stopped, terrified by the amount of blood. After I stopped crying, I realised that Sarah had gone home to watch Home and Away.

Women, eh? Fickle.
(Tue 29th Jul 2014, 16:58, More)

» Near Death Experiences II

A bum rap
The sun didn't often shine in Northern Ireland back in the 80s. I was 17 before I saw a patch of blue sky and the whole country came to a stop in 1986 to stare in awe at a big shiny light in the sky, which appeared one day and vanished the next. On the rare occasions when the place wasn't a dull, miserable hole, a surge of youthful vigour surged through my pipecleaner limbs and I'd scuttle about, looking like Timmy Mallett and feeling like Brian Jacks.

On my way to school there was an old, wrought iron fence which typically required me to drag open a rusted old gate to pass. But on one such sunny day, I was an unstoppable God and by Jove, I would vault this fence!

With barely a run up, I threw myself up, up into the sky. Daley Thomson had nothing on me. My power was unmatched! Until my heel caught the top of the damned thing, of course.

My forward momentum was stalled and I hung in the air like a mewling clothes horse before plummeting to the earth, screeching all the way down. Luckily the air was soon knocked out of me and my girlish trills were replaced by a faint gasping wheeze, which did restore a smidge of macho dignity. This dignity lasted as long as it took for me to realise that I could neither breathe nor move my arms to any great extent. These were both activities that I was greatly fond of.

It turns out, you see, that iron masons, when called on to do decorative work would often top a boring old fence with some tasteful spikes. The cunning artificer who'd built "my" fence had adorned it with an entertaining array of penile extrusions, several of which had pierced the back of my leather jacket, leaving me dangling like Cicero's scrotum.

It was obvious that I couldn't stay there all day. What if I were seen!? So I spent a few minutes wriggling and squirming in increasingly desperate attempts to get free. Finally, I was able to succumb to gravitu and I lay on the cool earth, bemoaning the loss of my lovely coat. After stumbling, humbled to school, the full gravity of the scenarion was made clear to me when my good friend Neil said "Ha ha ha, imagine if one of thsoe spikes had gone right up your arse!"

I was -this- close to being an involuntary gayer and / or bleeding to death from a shocking anal wound. (Is there any other kind?)

As it turns out, Neil spent a lot of time thinking about things going up bums, which explains why he didn't get off with Emma Jacobs and I did. So it all worked out well in the end.
(Thu 15th May 2014, 15:14, More)

» Going Too Far

A big show of hands
One guy at Uni had the temerity to disagree with me when we were drunk, can you imagine?

When he was passed out, I crept into his room, glued the palms of his hands together and then glued the door of his room shut as I left.

I hear it took them about 3 hours to get him out the next day, red faced and tearful. Luckily, I'd had loads of Newcastle Brown so slept though with an untroubled conscience.
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 11:49, More)

» Dates Gone Wrong

Painful memories
Back in the old days, before I grew to look like a discarded mattress, I was quite adept with the ladies. Given that I'd had 19 years of miserable celibacy, I was delighted (and not modest) about this.

So one night, bolstered by several bottles of fine brown ale, I boasted that I could bed the next young lady that I saw, regardless of her attractiveness or boyfriend status.

This was before rohypnol, so I was going to rely on my charms.

The next woman I saw was impressively busty and showed a great deal of interest in my sauciness, as indeed was her friend. For reasons that escape me I introduced her friend to my compatriot, Jamie.

One thing lead to another and before I knew it we were in her place, passions running high. Which is when things took a turn for the worse.

Being 19, I immediately set to work on freeing her impressive bazongas. What I found, to my horror, was that her astounding hourglass shape was only accomplished by the application of an industrial strength corset. After a deft move from yours truly, her body was freed of its constraints and returned to its natural shape.

In the dim light in her room she looked like a vast beige sponge, only less sexy than that sounds. I reached out a trembling hand (I assume she thought I was in the throe of passion) and gingerly touched her, finding out that she had the texture and consistency of a felt bag full of vomit.

What was I to do? Well, as a gentleman and a gentleman of 19 years at that, there was only one option open to me.

The next morning I crept from her room, battered and ashamed. I met Jamie on her landing and together we slunk from that Lovecraftian house of horrors and never spoke of it again.
(Fri 5th Sep 2014, 13:01, More)

» Misheard and Misunderstood

Marriage saved by cloth eared child
Back when my eldest child was still young, I took it for a walk around the park. Whilst there, I made note of the fine posterior of a lady jogger who passed me. I did so quietly, so she'd not know I was a filthy perv.

Unfortunately my child heard me but fortunately, he had a limited vocabulary.

Later on, the missus asked me whether something odd had been happening in our local park. It seems that the little one told her that daddy had seen a "Nice Horse" when they were out.

Marital bullets dodged: +1
(Fri 29th Aug 2014, 9:36, More)