» Being told off as an adult

I wasnt an adult....I was about 9
And I was at primary school using a magnifying glass to burn a worm.

Teacher creeps up on me, and sees what I'm doing.

"You're doing it to a WORM!!!!?????"

I instantly shrink into that childish "I've been rumbled" mode.

I was fairly eloquent at that age. I said "I'm making two worms! and the heat quarterises the wound!"

Teacher bumbles off forgiving my innocence.

Truth is I was just burning the little fucker.
(Thu 20th Sep 2007, 22:54, More)

» Debt pron

Life
I went to uni, got two qualifications (an hnd and a degree), and excelled.

My first job was for £10500 as a computer engineer! twats.

next job was a rope engineer.
13 grand.
twats.

to cut a long story short, I broke down on the phone to my parents one day about my debt situation of around £18000. They transferred 3 grand into my account to clear my graduate loan which was chewing up my money each month.

I spanked the whole fucking lot on chang in 3 months.

Oh yes. Kneel before me.
(Fri 24th Nov 2006, 13:26, More)

» Personal Ads

sketchy bird.
I joined yahoo personals 2 years ago, for my terrible sins.

I went out to meet this girl a "dancer" with a professional photo to boot!

There was me thinkin,"I've got a dirty lapdancer on the books"

No.

I went out for a date...she was....individual.

She was dressed like a new school hippy with everything Accessorize sell hung on one single body, and a hat that looked fagins. Things were going sort of well, until she began to exhibit the general traits of your average bunny boiler - then she told me about some of the other guys she'd met, and told me an anecdote about a guy who'd asked her "so, wanna fuck?" after 20 minutes.

My killer line was blown!

So there I was "golly, thats terrible!"

I gave her a lift home, said "Let's fuck" regardless and she shrunk into a little ball and jumped out of the car.

Thank god for small mercies.

boring but true.
(Sat 15th Sep 2007, 1:10, More)

» Blood

Gangrenous blood infection
OH yes.

There I was skateboarding at the soon-to-be-defunct Harrow Skatepark, ripping the shit out of the affectionately labelled "Bollocks".

The guy I was with (a Texan, no less, Texas Tim we called him) was a less experienced skater and didnt forsee my incredible cutbacks, and dropped in on me, with his 80's 50kg tankboard, stopping it, and his entire body weight, on one small spot on my shin.

It hurt, like an unexpected goatse in the morning. There was a big dent in my shin, the bone had shattered at the point of impact and all you could see was white at first, but hen came the blood. Not too much of it really, enough to stick my trousers to my shins every time I took a step.

In my young and pig-headed way I failed to get medical attention and in fact kept skating once the pain had numbed.

cue 2 days later, I wake up in agony, unable to walk properly. The congealed location of impact was a funny colour, but even worse was the blue/green cololur of the veins running up the leg. This blue/green/yellow colour continued up to just below my groin.

6 Nurofen liquid and some good old British grit and I made it to the doctor to be told if I'd left it any longer there would have been a chance the horrendous infection would have made it to my heart and then I would have been in some serious trouble.

Its a good thing the penecillin worked as it would have been an amputation job otherwise.

That was 5 years ago and the wound is still scabbing today! Lovely.

The moral: Clean your wounds. Clean them you fools!
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 13:21, More)

» Spoilt Brats

So there I Was, partying with a pretty rich chick.....
although I didn't know it, the girl (who shall be called Rachel, for that is not her name) had a very rich daddy. It wasnt until our third meeting that I discovered this, when I went back to her house with some friends to watch movies and possibly consume synthesised love-drugs. So being of a lower middle class, intelligent, well educated, but not, in general, an arsehole; I didnt fit in all too well.

It was morning when I went upstairs after being invited to play snooker in the loft bar room. "You can smoke in here" she says. I light up. she walks off; Her brother looks at me like i just shat on the carpet and rubbed it in, unaware of his sisters influence on me.

He clearly doesnt like me - "Who's up a for a game after this one?" I piped with a friendly a muster as I could manage. "No thank you."

Okay.....this is fun, I thought.....

"Oh wow, you have two Wurlitzers! thats really cool....I've always wanted one of these fellas" or something like that, I countered.

With the absolutely most stuck up tone of Arsehole he could muster, he replied:

"Thats not a Wurlitzer, its a Seeburg. Tchhhhhh"

The atmosphere was as cold as the coldest ice, and a whole lot less pleasant.

I felt like leaving so I did. What a funt. No wonder his mum fucked off and left them.
(Sat 11th Oct 2008, 8:56, More)