» I hurt my rude bits

Stitches all the way round
The week after my first birthday, i’m being looked after by my grandparents at their house so my parents can go out and do parenty type things.

My grandmother has just given me a bath and I’m sat, naked, on the arm of the leather couch.

My little body was warm due to the heat of the bath, it was late spring (and the very early 1970’s so the weather was nicer, I blame the government) and the couch was leather. Not a good combination.

Just after she leaves the room, I decide I’m going to topple off sideways, luckily into the couch, rather than out of it.

At that point, my old chap decides to make a bid for freedom and stay where it was, stuck to the arm of the couch. Yes, the little Highrise and I parted company briefly.

Thankfully, the surgeons managed to stitch it back on but I do have stitch marks all the way round. And it still works fine, thank you very much for asking.

For years afterwards, my parents managed to embarrass me by telling this story to all my girlfriends. My current beau and I have been together for over ten years now, so thankfully my parents have stopped.

I’m not sure if my parents realised, but none of my girlfriends believed the story. It was ‘pure hell ™’ proving it to them. No, really.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 8:49, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

Sheriff's Officer to the High Court
Yes, I used to be a Sheriff. No, I didn't have a badge or gun (unfortunately).

However, on one memorable occasion I had £750k in £50 notes in two large briefcases, and a Banker's Draft for £3.5m.

Oddly, I didn't want to run away and start a new life.

In the line of duty, I also received a Banker's Draft for £20k from a well known religious organisation based in a 'castle' in Southern England, for ice cream. Yes, they had rung up a 20 grand bill on ice cream.

I shudder to think what they did with that much Raspberry Ripple.

Initiation rites, maybe?
(Mon 26th Jun 2006, 12:52, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

Parents - Don't you love 'em
Quite a few years ago, I decided to build myself a new PC and so I gave my father my old one, complete with printer. I made sure to show him how to use MS Word and sort out the printer and I set up some shortcuts with useful names. All in all, I spent a good few hours with him, patiently answering his questions, providing basic notes, showing him this and that.

When I came back the following week, he had gone out and bought himself several hundred pounds worth of electric typewriter and was using the PC as a doorstop.

However, now, a few years down the line, he has finally got hooked up to the internet (read: I hooked him up to the internet) on his new computer.

Like a lot of people, I work. Father however has retired. He send emails to my home account in the morning at some ungodly hour saying “Have you got this email?” When I don’t respond within a ‘reasonable period’, he sends another one. Sometimes I get a phonecall too about mid morning from him, asking me if I have received his emails (all twelve of them) and why I haven’t responded to him yet. His emails literally say nothing but “Did you get this email?” There is nothing of any substance in them at all. Infuriating.

Recently, I have taken to hitting the Reply button and saying “No, sorry, didn’t get your email (below).”
(Tue 26th Sep 2006, 8:36, More)

» Debt pron

I have a mate...
Money used to be a problem for me. It would sometimes keep me awake at night with worry when I was in the red.

Fortunately, after years of crappy low paid jobs that made absolutely no sodding use of my qualifications, I found myself a good job and have managed to work up through the ranks to something that pays extremely well.

Consequently, money is not really a problem for me anymore. I had to work damn hard to be where I am but it’s worth it. I’m just about to buy my second house in a really nice area with the missus and still have about £40k left over to furnish it and buy nice toys for me.

However, this QotW is about debt and so I bring you…

A friend of mine successfully managed to ring up £25k in debts in a very short space of time on numerous credit cards. His father, being an idiot, decided to pay the debts off and cut up my friend’s credit cards. My friend then went out and got more credit cards and maxed them too.

Net result – his father refused to pay off debt again (understandably). So, my mate had to get a consolidation loan that basically means he will be paying off £55k over 30 years. Oh he has two kids too.

Just think, in thirty years, once I have paid off my mortgage, he will still be living in rented property, possibly being moved on every few years, with bugger all to show for it.

Twat.

P.S. I just phoned up the bank to pay off my credit card. The balance is £8. Yes, eight pounds! How will I ever cope?
(Fri 24th Nov 2006, 8:34, More)