» Putting the Fun in Funeral

A mouthful of mum
The club we go to hosts an annual boat trip on the Firth of Forth with full sound system and about 300 twatted party goers bouncing round on a small bucket with a bar called Maid of the Forth. The second year we went, we're having a beer a the pub in South Queensferry (it's just below the Forth rail bridge if you're interested) when a young lady who looks like she might have consumed a smallish to medium amount of recreational pharmaceuticals speaks to my mate.
"Great this club trip heh? I've brought my mum!"
Said mate replies "Oh yeah? She like clubbing?"
"No but she always loved the sea and I cremated her five days ago and I've come to sprinkle her ashes" she says waving a beautiful burgundy mock velvet bag from the crematorium containing the container with her mum in it.
Anyway we set of to sea and head out into the Forth with just a wee breeze blowing and loud loud dance music blasting out the sound system and a few hundred party goers consuming large amounts of alcohol and various other substances. The contingent could easily be described as somewhat twatted as the young lady with her mum climbs to a the highest point on the top deck where people are mingling and dancing and without any ceremony, opens up the tin of mum and throws the contents into the air - where it is swiftly taken by the wind and blown back over the party goers, many getting a good gobful in the process. E and mum - yummy! Not for nothing is the club called Mingin'
Me? I was down at the bar getting more beer and missed out on tasting mum's remains.

Mark (the baldy one)
(Wed 17th May 2006, 20:29, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

How many can you do in a day?
Our family funerals always tend to be quite jolly affairs in a way as we all seem to have quite a matter of fact attitude towards death and dying. So there we are in the pub after my dad's funeral, me doing the eldest son bit buying the drinks for all the family and friends who are reminiscing about my dad and generally getting rat-arsed and having a great time. Then my cousin who I hadn't seen for years turns up and grabs me. He's very apologetic for not making the service and I say not to worry, I'm glad he came anyway. Seems he went to the local crem down the road from where my parents lived at just the right time for the service and snook in at the back. However we were thirty miles away in another crem close to where my dad kept his narrow boat and where all his friends were. Seems cousin Pete sat through three funerals before he worked out he was in the wrong place. My dad would have had tears rolling down his face - and I have to admit to having a wee snigger too.

Mark
(Wed 17th May 2006, 20:18, More)

» Public Sex

Up against a gate
Oh my oh my, how many times have we been caught in publc? Well this was one of the most amusing...

We'd spent the weekend with my sister and husband and been sooooo well behaved but were both gagging for it. The small chance of walking my sister's bull terrier came around and like a shot we volunteered. Now I need to state that we're two guys, big, tattooed, shaved heads and at the time looked like two members of the National Front about to kick off and cause a riot. So there's me, 6ft tall Hando (that's the guy from Romper Stomper) look-alikee walking along with this daft as f*ck bull terrier with my boyfriend who's jsut a smaller version of me into the fields when lust got the better of both of us and the dog gets tied to a gate and we get down to it.
Bf has his jeans round his ankles, head through a five bar gate and a bottle of poppers rammed up his nose by yours truly while I get down (or is it up?) to business in no uncertain terms and am away with the fairies (good choice of phrase there!) when I suddenly realise that I'm humping thin air. I turn round and there are this middle aged couple with a small yappy dog, standing wide-eyed and open-mouthed looking at this skinhead in bleached jeans, doc marten boots with his knob sticking up to the sky about 10 foot from them, panting like he's run the 100metre sprint in record time. Boyfriend has done a runner into the long grass in the field next to us. Now I've never seen wrinkly people turn and run like they did. I mean it's one thing catching a couple at it but two skinheads going at it hell for leather is another. They disappeared like someone had put fireworks up their arses. At least they would have had something interesting to talk about at their dinner party with their nice friends that night. Funnily enough my sister had guessed exactly what we were up to and asked if anything "happened" while we were out. I denied everything and didn't tell her exactly what happened until several years later.

2xtrouble (cos we're always in it)
(Fri 24th Apr 2009, 21:09, More)