» Personal Hygiene

you want bad hygiene, eh?
There was a girl in my science class who was nicknamed Bogbrush. She had thick, curly and unwashed hair that when tied up formed a ball that looked like an old bogbrush (hence the name) and I can tell you I've never smelt anything more foul than her in my life (and I work in a kennels cleaning up forty five greyhounds worth of poo and piss. It's a comparative rosegarden.) It was a really bitter smell, a mixture of greasy hair and B.O, mixed in with cheap deodorant. It that made breathing near her quite difficult (I'm not kidding), got left behind her in a kind of trail and made getting within five feet of her almost unbearable. To add to that, she had some kind of skin condition all over her body (God knows what it was, it looked like some kind of excema/impetigo hybrid though judging from what reliable sources have said about her house I wouldn't be suprised if it was tEh ScAbIeS or something) that she used to scratch and left little white flakes all over herself. Not a good look on a black school blazer, especially when it wasn't snowing.

She kind of latched on to me and my friends one time, so we got to smell a lot more of her than most people (luckily, through a series of stupid events she was 'terrorising' us by the next year. Her being friends with us was far more unpleasant). Noone really liked her, as apart from her smell she was very pretentious and clingy and also quite a bit of a whore. But anyway, she leeched off of one of my friends in particular and was always at her house. Two stories I can remember involve her getting up and leaving the room, leaving her scent in said friend's sofa and making her and her mum gag, and the time that she bent over and showed the world that she was on her period. As it was smeared half way up her back.
I'd feel sorry for her if she wasn't a bitch.
(Mon 26th Mar 2007, 14:20, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

some girl my sister knows
was riding her bike down a hill, fell off, and split her minge open on the crossbar. she had to have the whole surgery and stitches thing, and was walking like john wayne for a month or two :D priceless, to a bunch of 14 year old girls anyway..
(Thu 20th Jul 2006, 19:01, More)

» School Sports Day

ah, sports day...
on one of the few occasions that i didn't have chickenpox, lice, an unfortunate sprain, scurvy or otherwise, i was roped into it. well, about as much roping as sitting on the sidelines and dying of heat related death can have. anyway, our school (this is a primary school) was built on the site of a WWII airship landing type thingy. as such, all of the houses were named after planes. we had our house points, and little colours and such. spitfire was blue, hercules was green, hurricane was red and mosquito were yellow. i was a mosquito. now yellow is the brightest of these colours, as you may know...

BEES. fucking. bees. EVERYWHERE. one.. well, one landed on my leg. so i bawled hysterically, like the nine year old that i was. the year six girls spent the rest of the event trying to clam me down and figure out if i'd actually been stung whilst my friends laughed at me. nasty little herculesian buggers!
(Sun 2nd Apr 2006, 22:52, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

my grandad died
..last month, i think? maybe before. anyway, everyone cried at the funeral but me. well, that sucked. the only good parts about the day was the story about my cousin's baby puking on him in the bath and nan saying that it was better to put grandad to rest than keep him 'shoved in a drawer somewhere'. that would have made him laugh. the correct term is fridge.

the moral is; damn you, cancer!
(Wed 17th May 2006, 21:11, More)

» Heckles

heckles, eh?
I was watching The Return of the King with a couple of friends at the cinema once, and ended up with some pikey kids sitting next to me. Quite annoying, as you can imagine. At the part when Shelob (thats the big fuckoff spider) was looming behind poor little Frodo, the prepubescent twunt next to me says
"Then the spider says, 'WHAAAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!!11'"

The thing that made it funny was after the film, when we saw them outside and proceeded to yell it back at them.. Ah, I miss being 13..

Another one would be when I was watching the third Harry Potter. And yelled 'LoooooopppEEEEEEEIIINNNNNN' at the screen when David Thewlis'es name came up in the credits. Pretty crap, but it was obnoxious enough to make my companion laugh for the next ten minuites. And the stares are always worth it.
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 13:49, More)