b3ta.com user Daveypants
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» Karma

Looking after a friends pet is too much of a risk
This isn't my story but I feel it needs to be shared. A mate told me of his friend's dog-sitting experience...

A family friend had asked her to look after the family pet Labrador whilst they were on holiday for a few weeks. Seeing no particular problem with this she agreed and it was arranged that she would go to their house every day to feed and walk the dog.

Everything was going smoothly until a week or so in to the dog-sitting when she was alarmed to find it had died overnight. Unwilling to bring the bad news to the family over the phone and ruin their holiday, she decided the best course of action would be to take the doggy-corpse back to her flat and hold it there until the family came home, so she loaded it up in to a suitcase and headed for the tube.

When she arrived at her stop, she found the escalator to be out of action meaning she would have to drag the Labrador suitcase up the stairs. Already feeling quite uncomfortable with the whole situation, she tried her best to carry it, declining several offers of assistance. After a while she admitted defeat and asked for help from the nearest passer by.

As they were walking up the stairs the man began to ask what she was carrying that could be so heavy. Thinking on her feet she blurted out that the suitcase contained her boyfriends DJ equipment and she was carrying it across town for a gig he had that night. At this point the not so friendly passer-by seizes the opportunity and makes off with what he thinks to be several thousand pounds worth of musical equipment. Really it was just 80lbs worth of dog.
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 18:19, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Naked Kids
I was sitting on the beach in Italy, enjoying the sunshine and a rather intense book about the end of the world. I felt the warmth of the Tuscan sun on my skin, heard the sound of the ocean lapping on the shore and children running about and enjoying their youthful freedom.

Now this is where the problem lies. I feel that some parents go a little overboard with the whole freedom / innocence thing, letting their little treasures run around naked in public places. I wouldn't normally have too much of a problem with this, and merely divert my eyes at the sight of one of these fleshy pink blobs. On this occasion, however I found myself staring at a small child (of around 4 years) rolling in the sand, wearing nothing at all.

Now I'm no kiddiefiddler, but when his sister, (maybe 2 years his junior) strolled over, also butt nekkie the whole situation got a bit more intense. I tried to pull my eyes away, but could only stare in horror as she gave three firm tugs on his PENIS. Arms behind his head, eyes closed and a smirk on his face - and I...weeped. The image most imbedded in my mind is that of his tanned genitalia, stretched to twice it's normal length. And it frankly ruined my holiday. Now I'm officially a paeodophile.

And this wasn't even my first offense - about a year previous to this I was with some friends in the local park. It was early evening and all the kids were about to head home for bed. There was one child who stood out as being the most mischievous, constantly causing his mother grief and grinning at everyone. Clearly there was more going on in that 3 year olds head than anyone bargained for.
I was just walking alongside the climbing frame, mindful of the fact that this child was in my vicinity unattended. I would like to stress that I could not see him at this point, as we were seperated by a large wooden board. As I walked past said board, I was greeted by said child's full frontal offering, pants at his ankles. He was stood on the climbing frame, I was stood on the floor and our height differences and the height of the climbing frame could not have been more tragic. Naked Kid's penis was approximately one foot from my nose.

Things went into slow motion from this point onwards, I reeled back in disgust just in time to see his stream of justice leak all over the spongey playground floor. I'd like to imagine that I jumped out the way just in time a la Tom Cruise, but in reality my shoes just got covered in his splashback. So I went home and cried myself to sleep...
(Tue 22nd Aug 2006, 15:55, More)

» Insults

Always good -
Your mum made my trainers
(Thu 4th Oct 2007, 13:45, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Not me but a friend
Heard from a friend about a man who was in the office and went to the toilet to "drop the kids off at the pool". Quite an urgent occasion, he rushed to sit down, hands on the toilet walls, span round and landed (not even enough time to lay down the standard 5 sheets for public toilets). It seems that the lid was cracked and loose.

So somehow as he lowers himself, he manages to get his tip trapped in a crack at the front of the seat, his own weight holding the crack firmly shut. He jumps up in absolute agony and the lid (not being screwed on properly) has slid sideways and he is crushing himself. Amidst the searing pain, he tries to lift his body. He cant. Hes trapped. Upon the final push, as it were, he tries to get himself free, slipping off the loose seat and taking the whole pan with him. Sitting in a pool of his own (and others) faeces, he looks down.

Swelling. Strange colours. Weeks.
(Sun 16th Jul 2006, 17:53, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Back when I was about 13
I stayed on a farm with my family and a mate's family in Italy. The fancy phrase is agro-tourismo, but it basically means you pay less and get the privelidge of living with the pigs for 2 weeks. The place was OK, just what you'd expect of Southern Italy. Stank a bit of turd, given that they had a herd of Buffalo about 50 metres from my room. On an unrelated note, we had an interesting experience on the first day when a worker at the farm managed to walk under a combine harvester, which as you would expect resulted in death...The Police came and took our passports, it was all very messy.

Anyway, there were two abandoned mill things. Big white circular buildings. My brother, my mate and I had been warned on the first day not to go in them by the owner of the farm as they were overgrown and dangerous, but curiosity naturally got the better of us. On our first visit, feeling rebellious, we managed to get our heads around the door before chickening out and retreating to our rooms. Over the next few days we grew bolder and bolder in our explorations. By about the third day we noticed a strange greyish blob on the far wall. The interior of the building was very over-grown and so the back wall was inaccessible. Some clart thought it might be clever to try and throw rocks at the grey blob. Being young and feeble, it was a good half hour before anyone came close to hitting it, when my mate finally landed a solid stone right in the middle of the biggest wasps nest I have ever seen. We ran. We ran as fast and far as our little legs would carry us as a yellow cloud of fury billowed out of the hole in the wall, just like the cartoons.

We let things cool down over the next few days, mostly due the newly attatched sign saying 'Do Not Enter' in English.

Having forgotten about our mission, just getting ready to go out, I hear a loud buzz in my ear and then a sharp stinging on my shoulder. The devious bugger landed on my shoulder, stung me and fled the scene. I can't help but feel I deserved it though...
(Fri 5th May 2006, 18:36, More)
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