b3ta.com user bignutter
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» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Picking on the Yanks
While I was at High School in America, I often found myself having to defend my Britishness, cue one day where our millitary was being poked fun at- so i pointed out we had the SAS, who are some of the best soldiers in the world.

One guy had never heard of them and said that the US Deltaforce were the best in the world- so i thought i'd educate him and tell him about the SAS

I managed to convince him (and a large portion of the other people overhearing the conversation) that in the SAS......
They learn how to dodge bullets
They sleep on barbed wire as part of their training, and carry on doing it afterwards just for the hell of it
They must be able to run a 4 minute mile in full kit
They don't need food, water or rest for up to 3 days
They can kill a man using only their little finger
They can kill with a single sheet of paper
They frequently will make their "combat drops" (jumping out of a plane) out of jets traveling over the speed of sound
They can stop their own breathing and heart beat for up to 5 minutes, so they can avoid detection or play dead

and the best.....
They drink pints of vodka like everyone else drinks beer, as thats the only way they can even think to get drunk.

Not content with this I added the fact there was the SBS (special boat service) who can do everything the SAS can do, but also do it under water

yep i conviced the guy they could and often did parachute under water

you know you like the length
(Sun 26th Mar 2006, 3:57, More)

» Personal Ads

my ex replaced me
with someone from World of Warcraft....

I'm not sure how that works but its shocked the hell outta me

And so my friends have suggested i take out a personal ad- so far I have

6'2" failed teacher looking for relationship with woman who is attactive, sane and able to deal with someone highly depressed. Am a complete wargaming geek who has had to move back home to his parents. Would prefer if the brave lady could drive as I cannot.

Click I like this if you want me to actually post that on multiple dating sites :)
(Thu 13th Sep 2007, 18:28, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Well the only paid job i've ever had is as a teacher
And it didn' go well

I know that there are many ideas of what teachers get up to- and there are some fantastic stories about such wonderful things as student/teacher affairs, drinking and drugs problems and other such wonderful things.

Sadly I worked in a small village school- where there were 5 teachers including the head teacher, and a vast number of teaching assistants who all worked odd hours. Oh and I was the only bloke.... and bar 1 of the other teachers (who was a hippie) the youngest teacher by at least 30 years

In schools you kind of expect there to be a certain element of sillyness, the calling of names, the hiding of property and petty acts of vandalism

maybe from the kids...but you don't really expect it between the teachers.
Basically I was the "new kid" and so got picked on by a group of grumpy old women who found delight in making children feel as horrible and meaningless as they could- and so felt the need to lash out at the new "cool" teacher who actually cared about teaching the children and teaching them to be good people.

So everything I did was seen as being "wrong" and "inappropriate" Funny that when i was the one who made sure of n bodily contact with the kids,compared to the scary old woman who would hug kids all the time *shudders*

I had my mark book and lesson plans stolen or defaced, resources sabotaged and plans changed for my class (oh...your taking half the class out to do singing practice....when I'd set up a science experiement that you knew full well about...thanks)

Luckily I was the only one in the whole school who knew how the computers worked- I sadly had to leave due to health problems- but would have done the following things on my last days at the school:

Change all the computer passwords for everyone
Hide the backup tapes for the server
Move (hide) all of the school's date in weird places
Hide the desktop on all the computers so that it appears as an image (all the icons appear there but can't be used)
Change all the mouse-speeds to the lowest settings
Add interesting auto-corrects to most of the computers (Name of school gets a few profanities added)
Gently loosen all the cables so none of them quite connect, but all look like they are
Removed all of the mouseballs from the school

I'm sure there would be more

hmmm....I might still have the password and login for the school website somewhere
click I like this if you want me to find them and maybe post them ;)
(Sun 30th Sep 2007, 19:24, More)

» School fights

Poke in the eye?
When I moved to America for 5 years, i had the horror of attending a rather rough highschool where i was picked on constantly for being British.

One day- it went too far and one of the school "jocks" decided he was going to square up to me. Knowing full well that his shoe size was probably double his IQ, I stood my ground.

"I'm going to beat you boy, what you going to do about it?"
"This!" I replied, holding my fingers out ready to poke him in both eyes.
The jock immediately put his hands up in front of his nose, stopping any chance of a poke.

So i held both hands out ready to poke him in the each eye with a different hands.
So the dumb jock covered his eyes with his hands.

I kicked him so hard in the nuts, I hear he can no longer have children.

For some reason i never got picked on again
(no apologies for length, im trying to protect it from someone doing it to me)
(Tue 14th Mar 2006, 16:12, More)

» Housemates from hell

Oh how I have waited for this QOTW

So I had the misfortune of spending the last year of Uni living with not 1, but 2 of the worst housemates in the universe.

The first was as thick as a block of wood- we once managed to convince him that the Star Wars movies were actually a historical documentary- and everyone already knew that.
The reason he was a housemate from hell? Because of his stupidity- such things as trying to cook a tin of beans with a hammer (messy) leaving the oven on overnight so it could "warm up" and following the logic that if he hid the bills we wouldn't have to pay them- which as you can guess caused some problems.

But he wasn't half as bad as Mark (and we shall call him such- because he is a bugger)
Mark didn't wash
he slept in a pit of a room where you could not see the floor, nor the walls and the window was but a crack of light amidst the piles of dirty clothes, DJ equipment and moldy plates. The living room, dining room, toilet, hallways, kitchen and back yard were full of his crap- everything from CD cases to tents to power tools. He would blame everyone else for the mess and yell at them at the top of his lungs (Even at 3am before I had a job interview- which i then failed to get)
He has since gained a huge amount of weight and a senior position in the Student Union- so has also gained the nick-name of Jabba the Hutt

I myself may have a claim to have been the housemate from hell in retaliation to Jabba's actions because I spread a rumour around Uni that he had a Kid in his room for sexual pleasures. Cue him being incredibly embaressed and having to explain to a huge number of people that his girlfriend who looked 12 was actually 18. When he finally confronted me about this infront of a full bar of students over a PA system, I rather calmly explained that he was not a kiddy fiddler, but the kid in question that he had been having fun with was in fact of the goat variety.
Apparently he hasn't been able to show is face around Uni since :)

No worry about the length, its the sound similar to a baaaah you've got to watch out for
(Sat 7th Apr 2007, 0:31, More)
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