» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Ski poo
Altitude always gives me the shits. Don't know why. So this year was staying with a very posh and prim schoolmate, making necessary visitations but keeping the situation under control.

After a hard day on the slopes we met up for some alcohol fuelled apres, and after a generous amount of beer I unsurprisingly needed to pee. The very very clean loos were closed for cleaning so I drew everyone's attention to this then when they finally opened I went for my wee. Ahhhhhh.

On standing to replace trousers I made the mistake of farting. A high powered jet of noxious orange lumpy liquid went everywhere. I am drunk, in ski boots, in a toilet cubicle. Both it and me are covered in shit and there is very little paper.

So I make the best of it with what resources I have, and concentrate mainly on cleaning self up. And the toilet brush for I had filled the top section with the handle on completely with my liquid offerings.

I take a deep breath and compose myself hoping I can sneak unnoticed out of very-freshly-but now-sadly-soiled toilet. But outside, queueing to come in is my mate.

She never mentioned it, bless her...
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 18:29, More)

» Picky Eaters

I blame the parents
As a kid I lived off tomato juice. My mum tried to hide raw eggs in it in an attempt to give it some nutritional value (eeeeugh - yes pre-salmonella). Bizarrely I used to feast on garden insects instead - ants were a favourite. Not too keen on earthworms and flys though. Odd kid.

Was fairly fussy til I went to uni and lived in catered halls - learned to eat almost everything except:
Poached eggs
Soft boiled eggs
Quiche
Any wobbliness/transparency in eggs at all
Its a texture thing.

ALSO I hate tonic water - it tastes of bitter metal, I don't get it. Unfortunately a frequent tipple for me is gin and soda (lush). Have lost count of how many times it has arrived with tonic in. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

I blame my mother for the egg phobia thing.
Oddly though I do swallow and rather like that, mmmm warm oyster!
(Fri 2nd Mar 2007, 17:29, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

Odd kid
My own mother called me odd kid.

I refused to be left at first school so they let my mum sit in the car outside and I sat at the window. For years. Freak....

I wanted to wear trousers but the school said I had to wear a skirt. I wore both. Most of the time. As if early 80s fashions weren't bad enough.

I then developed a nervous vomiting problem where if anyone/anything scared me slightly I would instantly spill my stomach contents. This obviously made me very popular and a great person to startle. So I ended up visiting a child psychiatrist.

I was also ginger (and still am, but I wear it with attitude these days)

I made the mistake of getting free place at a posh public school where I was the poor kid as well as the odd kid.

It was only when I got to university that I actually had like, proper friends!

I'm quite normal now, well, mostly.
(Fri 19th Jan 2007, 19:15, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

I lost my virginity
In the school ballet teacher's bed. And not with the school ballet teacher either.

She did always look at me a bit funny after that though.
(Sat 28th Oct 2006, 14:42, More)