b3ta.com user Peek_a_Boo
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What Flavour Are You? I am sweet, like Sugar.I am sweet, like Sugar.

I am all sweetness and light; fluffy bunnies and dancing fairies; happiness and joy. Too much of me will make you sick.

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Best answers to questions:

» The worst sex I ever had

Ahh one more for the road..
I just can't help myself, this weeks question brings out the worst in me!

Alleyway sex, it's not comfortable, it smells bad and for some reason I always end up with paperclips and other random objects in my hair..

On the way home from a night out, my (newish) fella and I found ourselves a nice little hidey hole around the back of a multi storey carpark and proceeded to get jiggy.

Mid-fuck and The alleyway in question was lit just enough for me to make out a hooded silhouette edging slowly towards us.

"Holy crap!" think I, believing that I am about to be arrested, but it would seem that the hooded figure has yet to notice our semi-naked selves lurking in the shadows.. his sights are set firmly upon the Ford Escort parked directly to our left.

The hoodie goes about forcing his way into the car when a noise from our shadowy corner alerts him to our presence, he peers through the darkness at us, we peer back, eyes wide like startled bunnies.. all secretly shitting ourselves..

Then with an "I didn't see you if you didn't see me" style nod the three of us shrug our shoulders and all continue about our business!

Apologies to whoevers' car he was thieving, I would've given chase but my trousers were firmly around my ankles!
(Wed 20th Jun 2007, 16:40, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

Travelling via Birmingham's New Street Station
Is never a pleasurable experience, but one particular journey stands out for me.
It was a friday afternoon, I was the wrong end of a 3 hour train journey and to top it all off I had just spent a whole week in Burton Upon Trent.

Upon boarding the train I wasn't particularly surprised to find there were no seats available, so I cut my losses and plopped myself down on my suitcase in the little spacey bit between the doors and the toilet.
This arrangement suited me fine until such point we reached Birmingham. Before the train had even come to a halt there were people clawing at the doors from every conceievable angle, I watched businessmen savagely beating eachother with their laptop cases, women and children were being tossed into the air, one particularly elderly woman was jabbing people in the ribs with her walking stick. It was like a scene from Lord Of The Flies.

Before I could even think about repositioning the train doors flew open and what seemed like the entire population of Japan scrabbled aboard, wedging themselves in, and pinning me to the wall.

15 minutes later and a barely audible voice announces to the carriage that this train will not be leaving the platform until at least 50 passengers disembark. The silence that followed was deathly, had there been room a tumbleweed might've even blown down the length of the carriage. Everyone on board twitched nervously, waiting for someone else to sacrifice their journey time for the sake of everyone else's.

After what seemed like an eternity the train finally began to move.
Due to the vast number of people crammed into such a small area, it wasn't long before the air started to get very hot, and damp.

Cramp was setting in and I had now noticed how badly the toilet smelt like pickled shit.

The window was steaming up with the condensation of 30 peoples' breath about an inch from the end of my nose, and I had nowhere to put my right leg.To steady myself I hitched up my right knee, with my foot ontop my suitcase.
With that the train lurched throwing the other passengers into my back, I now found myself with one leg in the air, my face pressed into the window and my arms stretched out either side of me hugging the wall like some kind of commuting spiderwoman.

I was stuck like this til we reached Cheltenham Spa!

Length? As long as it takes to clear your nostrils of the stench of a Virgin toilet
(Fri 30th May 2008, 22:24, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Close your F***in mouth you gargantuan beast!
In my last full time job there was a woman (debatable) who was everything that could constitute a bastard colleague, all rolled into one hideous incarnation.

She was the ultimate target for abuse.

This girl was ugly, not "cute ugly" in the way some dogs are, or even "interesting-looking". She had the kind of face that could strip paint.
In addition to this she was fucking huge, with a physique like "Nanny" from the cartoon Duckula (yes I am a product of the 80's)
She was a virgin until the age of 23, definitely not through choice.. well not hers anyway.

She also lived with her parents, now, essentially there is nothing wrong with this however it is slightly disturbing when a woman in her mid twenties recieves such items as a "Cabbage Patch Doll" for christmas...

She was a brown nosing twunt, and in true playground style would tell tales on anyone to earn a gold star and detract from how fucking useless she actually was at her job.

She was the only person I have met in my life who went on the weightwatchers diet for an indeterminate number of years and actually ended up fatter than when she started..

But quite possibly the singlemost infuriating thing about her was the manner with which she ate. She slurped, she chomped, she smacked her huge blubbery lips together and gnarled at her food like a lion chewing a particularly gristly carcass.
This girl had the ability to clear the staff room just by reaching into her bag and producing an apple, I swear at least half of the workplace became smokers.

Oh.. and her breath always smelt of fish
(Wed 30th Jan 2008, 20:13, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Tales from behind
I've also had to endure:

One guy who continued to shaft me from behind despite the fact that I was bent over throwing my guts up. Classy.

A bloke with a penis so small and technique so non-existant that I actually had to keep looking over my shoulder to check he was even still there.


A guy who pumped away quite vigourously for ages but who's stumpy little manhood decided to slip out at 10 second intervals. Kind of like The Hokey Cokey, for cocks.

Someone please tell me to stop!
(Wed 20th Jun 2007, 18:23, More)

» Pet Peeves

People that say "So I turned around and said..."
No you fucking didn't.
If you physically turned around as often as you say you did you'd probably be living your life in some kind of dizziness induced stupor. And look like a twat to boot.
(Tue 6th May 2008, 12:10, More)
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