b3ta.com user Ant Marching
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» Mobile phone disasters

The old hole
Next to the old office in London, there's a pub called "The Coal Hole". Affectionately known by a few of us as "The old coal".

After a long day in the office one summers evening, I texted a few colleagues to see if they would be stopping there. However, I was blissfully unaware that the word "COAL" shares a few other spellings in the T9 Predictive Text dictionary.

What I meant to text was "Anyone fancy a bit of the old coal later?"

What I actually ended up texting was "Anyone fancy a bit of the old cock later?"

Unfortunately, it got even worse. A (very female, very beautiful, very breast-endowed) colleage texted me back asking me whether I was serious. Realising my mistake, I replied.

What I meant to reply was "Oh, sorry! Predictive text! I meant COAL!"

What I actually ended up texting was "Oh, sorry! Predictive text! I meant ANAL!"

I'm surprised I still have that job, to be honest...
(Tue 4th Aug 2009, 19:11, More)

» Shoplifting

It's all in the family
A while ago, I worked at an electrical retailer I won't name (but rest assured, you'd have absolutely NO WORRIES there...). Anyway, my manager at the time showed us the best security video I have ever seen, of when he worked at a prior branch.

The scene was a small, quiet branch of said retailer, during the week, about midday. There two members of staff on the floor, and two kids hanging around the TV section (who looked to be about 12 and 13).

Suddenly, in walks this insanely hot woman: and I mean stunning. Instantly, both staff members were drawn to her, as they both happened to be men, and normal, red blooded men at that. Unbeknownst to them however - while ogling this woman, the kids have managed to unhook a new-fangled LCD television from the display, and are struggling to take it out the door.

Right at the last moment, one of the staff members notices the kids - but is *just* too late to catch them before they get into their Dad's car parked outside, and drive off.

The best bit however, comes from what happened next. While everyone is fretting in the store as to what has just happened, and one of the staff members calls the police, the car circles back round, the hot woman jumps in, and off they go again.

So yes - not only had the little sods stolen a very, very expensive TV - but they were doing it under the direction of their "Criminal mastermind parents". I'd love to see what conversation must be like in their family.

"OK - you boys nick the TV while I distract the staff with my tits.". Lovely.
(Thu 10th Jan 2008, 14:43, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

This is a staff announcement...
A while ago I worked in a large electrical retail outlet. I say large, but our store was actually the smallest one in the country for this particular chain. It was a sorry affair: mainly a shop front no bigger than your usual newsagents, and a stockroom that had room for maybe half a television.

Because of the small size of the store, there was one single Tannoy microphone, on the cash desk. This tannoy had two buttons: one for the shop floor, and the other one for the warehouse.

One Manager of ours used to enjoy giving a running commentary for the stockroom guys about what was happening on the floor. Things like "Lads: Code 88: two fat birds have entered" and "Pete, your mum's in: oh no, wait, just another ugly bint" were regular outbursts from him.

We noticed one day that the microphone basically had two jack leads coming out under the desk. So, being oh-so-grown-up, we decided to swap these round, so all shop announcements went out back, and vice versa.

We couldn't have picked a better time really. As we finished, I looked up and saw the best sight ever. A frankly stunning woman had come in wearing only a bikini (as it was a very hot summer), and to her left, was our manager, with a HUGE grin on his face, running as fast as he could to the cash desk. Before we could warn him, an announcement was broadcast over the whole busy shop front:

"Fuck me boys, I hope this birds' a thief - wouldn't mind giving her a full body cavity search! With my COCK!"

To this day, I still dont know how (a) he kept his job, and (b) he didn't realise when he started hearing his own announcement on the shop floor...
(Tue 29th Jan 2008, 11:47, More)

» Heckles

Girls Aloud
... once played at our summer ball.

It wasn't really a heckle as such, but half way through their act, a security guard came on stage and announced "If anything else is thrown on the stage, Girls Aloud will stop playing."

So, he was hit in the face with a shoe.

At least they lived up to their promise though.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 19:06, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

Another quick one that springs to mind. Not a girlfriend, but she was hot as hell. A girl in my year at school and sixth form: Picture her as 5'11", face like an even prettier Mischa Barton, the most unbelievable sexy figure, perfect breasts, long skinny legs, and my god - the ass still comes to me in my dreams...

So, one day, her (lucky, lucky) boyfriend at the time decided to "spice things up" and buy her some fruit flavoured condoms. On showing them to her, she replied:

"Oh my god! That's amazing! I had no idea you can taste down there!"...
(Fri 17th Nov 2006, 14:32, More)
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