» School Sports Day

Somebody asked me to take part
in a charity marathon run the other day.

I had to say no because I am so unfit.

But then they told me it was for the disabled and I thought, hang on a minute, I could actually win that.
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 18:45, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

It was the road leading up to Ascot rather than...
the racecourse itself, where the royal family used to stop in their carriages for a few minutes before carrying on. I'm not sure why, just one of those snooty 'changing of the guard' ceremonies where nobody knows what the hell's going on.

Aaaaaanyways, I'd wangled a day off school for being a snotty nosed little mummy's boy and I had dressed rather splendidly in my favourite pirate outfit and a top hat out of my Paul Daniels magic set (top hat's being the thing to wear at the races, of course).

Now this was the year that Fergie had been caught scoffing a man's toes (in between sniffing for truffels) and she was banned from the whole event by M'am. But as I was generallly being a little boy, running along the roadside flicking bogies, I caught sight of a Rolls and made a bee-line for the window. To my surprise I was confronted by a beaming Duchess Ferguson waving at me and pointing out how cute I was to her toffo chums!

Not knowing the true significance of the previous Saturday's Daily Mirror expose, I proceeded to sit on the floor and pull my foot to my face while feining a lick/suck action, in mockery of her foot-fettish-foolery.

To her credit, Fergie burst out laughing and I returned triumphantly to the crowd awaiting the 'real' Royals.

Since then I've always loved our Royal rogues - Harry, Fergie etc.

Apologies for length and girth. How about a royal rumble?
(Mon 7th Aug 2006, 17:27, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

oooooh another one
Last month me and my housemate bought a Super Nes and have proceeded to play a couple of rounds of mariokart nearly every night after work.

I beat him all the time and last night he got in a real paddy - really eggy - because I got two invincible stars in a row and lapped him twice, wiping him out in the process.

He called me a spawny cnut and went to bed early. I cried. (Laughing)
(Tue 19th Sep 2006, 15:03, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

I usually have all the luck of a deaf dumb
armless, legless version of Jean Charles de Menezes - so competitions don't really flush me with optimism. However, if the word 'competition' is replaced with 'free stuff' i'm all ears.

Rewind to the end of May this year; my mate phones me to say that The Link (a smarmy purple electronics shop) is doing a free online competition for tickets to the Isle of Wight festival. Great, I say, but i'm not entering. Humbug.

But then he smugly mentions that he knows for a fact there are 500 pairs of tickets up for grabs and only 300 entries. Hmm, sounds like free stuff to me.

So myself and Mrs Sausage both enter seperately, as do several mates, still thinking the win is unlikely. But lo and behold two weeks later we have 8 tickets between 4 of us!

Now the festival has been sold out for weeks and these are actually going on Ebay for about 100 knicker, so we sell a couple and set off for the Isle with free beer money too.

We all end up getting smashed and seeing the Kooks, Primal Scream, Lou Reed, Foo Fighters and Fat Freddy's and Cockplay amongst others for £0.

GET IN!

No apologies for girth, it fits perfectly.
(Tue 19th Sep 2006, 10:55, More)