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» I witnessed a crime

more or less on topic...

After a trip to the Jazz Cafe in Camden to see one of the top Jazz piano/organ players in action - no idea who he was - and having drunk a large amount of lager because it was so godawful, I headed home to the salubrious area of London known as Shepherd's Bush.

Arming myself with a greasy and limp kebab I wandered down the Goldhawk Road back to my flat...
Turning the corner I was asked for the time by some shadowy youth. Not thinking anything I of course got my phone and told him it was 2am.
Young hooded scoundrel grabs the phone and two of his mates surround me and relieve me of my wallet and abscond into the estate.

Anyways, I live 1 minute up the road so I jump in my car, grab my work phone and call the police. Not really thinking, I start the engine, reverse out and start following two of the said scoundrels, whilst on the phone to the coppers.

I manage to rendezvous with a foot patrol, and they jump in the car and we have a drive round the estate to try and catch up to the thieves who have long since legged it down a passage...

I then realise that I'm about 5 pints over the limit and have two of Her Majesty's finest in the back seat.

Luckily, the search was fruitless and I drop them off on the Uxbridge Road with them non the wiser and me sweating like the guilty man I am.

Thieves escape with my phone and wallet, but I escape with my driving licence and kebab.

I think I won overall.
(Wed 20th Feb 2008, 12:47, More)

» School Projects

In sixth-form I did Physics A-Level and was part of a group asked to take part in a competition at Manchester Science Museum.

Four of us turned up to be told that we had to make a lunar rover out of Lego, capable of carrying Christmas trees(obviously) up a mountain on the moon.
The winning team would get some state of the art personal stereos. Pretty good prizes - this was pre-portable CD players and mp3 was a word not invented yet.

Our rover was immense. Geared to perfection and although slow, would drive up monstrous gradients. It also had a large platform for carrying the aforementioned moon-based Christmas trees.
The other teams were a bit younger and didn't have the Lego skillz that our team possessed and had all made single cogged-elastic band powered go-karts.
The competition began and in each round our magnificent tractor would grind it's way to the top of the ever increasing gradients.

Soon, there were only two rovers left - ours and one of the go-karts that seemed to have the most powerful motor.
The last round started and the gradient was death-defying.
The tiny go-kart tried and failed.
Now it was our turn. Cogs grated and the motor whined as the rover started up the hill... Unfortunately, as the rover was built to spec of transporting trees, it's weight was hampering it's progress and it ground to a halt halfway up, at pretty much the same point as the crappy go-kart.

A draw!

Surely our engineered rover, capable of actually carrying things and having a well designed gear system would be awarded the prize over the five minute cobbled-together go-kart which would barely carry a few twigs, never mind moon Christmas trees...

The teacher adjudicating decided that there was to be a play-off!
Who has the fastest rover over a flat surface?

To be honest, there wasn't much point even running the race as everyone in the room knew who would win.
We argued our case but to no avail - the teacher would not see reason and the kids with the go-kart were smug in the knowledge that we had no chance.

At the prize giving, we stood grinding our teeth, as each £75 stereo was handed over.
As the last kid received his stereo from the adjudicating teacher - two words still haunt me.

"Thanks Dad!"
(Fri 14th Aug 2009, 10:27, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

What delightful young ladies!

Indeed, What are you gonna do bout it?
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 23:00, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

BBC Competition
The BBC had a recent photo manipulation competition involving ambulances. You were supposed to correct the errors in contrast and colour etc. Instead I put the ambulance in to every fucking picture I could get my hands on and emailed it back to the BBC.
Now I can't even look at a .jpg without thinking 'where could I sneak an ambulance..."
(Thu 4th May 2006, 13:04, More)

» What was I thinking?

haha bonk
I used to work in the kitchen of a restaurant in Stockport and one evening I had to empty a box of butter into the big walk-in fridge.
The butter needed to be stacked on to the top shelf and instead of putting the butter packets in one at a time, I had a vision - I'd throw the butter packets all at once and they'd land - cartoon style' in a perfect 'brick wall'...

So, I hugged as many packets in my arms as I could and went into the fridge. Unfortunately, this gave me very little leverage to throw the packets on to the shelf so I needed to jump. And jump I did, forgetting I had about an inch clearance above my head to the heavy metal roof.

The chef found me sat on the floor, surrounded by mis-shapen butter packets, clutching my ringing cranium.

(Sat 25th Sep 2010, 11:27, More)
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