b3ta.com user Evilweevil
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Solicitor living and working in Manchester.

I have many leather bound books.

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» Dumb things you've done

When I was 4
My mum took me to the school at which she was teaching for a day. She left me in the capable hands of 4 year 6 girls who showed me around the school and we generally had a good time.
When I got home from my exciting day out I went on my climbing frame to explore and generally complete my perfect day.
What I thought I'd do was to practice a new word which these girls had taught me which is how we arrive at me hollering at the top of my lungs the word "CONDOM!, CONDOM!" from the peak of the climbing frame until mother had to run out and snatch me from my post.
(Fri 21st Dec 2007, 16:22, More)

» Expensive Weekends

This story fits the bill perfectly
They were many expensive weekends.

I first met her on Faceparty. I'm not going to name her.

I messaged her because she had the Cookie Monster as her profile picture and I thought this was something which warranted a message.

This message turned into a conversation which eventually ended in me catching a train from Cardiff to Norwich (leaving at 17.15 and arriving at 00.14 if memory serves me correctly) one weekend in July.

I then spent this weekend getting to know her and eventually getting to 2nd base despite me deciding to sleep on the couch the first night. (Ever the gentleman me).

After this weekend (which involved a party which she decided to let a random guy fondle her lovely tits, for a long time, but which I only found out about much, much later) we decided to go out.

This summer involved me going to see her *every* weekend because she had no money and I just wanted to see her all the time because I just liked spending time with her. Seriously- it all clicked and I thought I'd found the one.

Now this is where you'd expect it all to end. However it didn't. We really did hit it off and we ended up going out for 3 1/2 years, most of the time involved me going to see her at the weekends at her University (she went to Keele, I to Aberystwyth). Sometimes I went during the week because she insisted I went there *that* moment because I hadn't phoned her the night before.

we eventually fell in love as we had lots in common and just clicked. I honestly did see myself moving in with her one day, one glorious day which would mean that we wouldn't have to spend only a weekend together. For a weekend was never enough.

One week I returned from my weekend at hers on the Wednesday and was told on the Saturday that "things weren't working". She'd met someone at her University and decided to break up with me.

Overall the weekends cost me some money in order to see her, this I'm not bothered about.

It's the ignoring of friends and missing Uni lectures and gaining a 2:2 which was expensive. No matter how much money I get and what I do, I'll always regret ignoring my studies and my pals in pursuit of what I thought was true love.
(Mon 17th May 2010, 22:06, More)

» IT Support

Printers, they creep me out man...
From the moment I got my shiny new HP Deskjet I hated it.
It printed things ok, but badly, it fed paper at an angle even if I made sure that it was going in straight.

One bright morning sometime through second year I woke up and thought "I'll print my essay before going up the pub".

Oh no.

**PAPER JAM**
"Hmmm that's weird, even after checking for paper blockages the error message still comes up."
*Removes all paper*
**PAPER JAM**
*turns off and leaves it for 5 minutes*
**PAPER JAM**
"Ok, my assignment's due in shortly and you won't print? There's no good reason why you won't print. Why won't you print?"
**PAPER JAM**
So I phone HP technical support. Would you like to guess what they told me what the problem was? "The paper is jammed in printer, please check it and remove and paper before retrying".
Genius.

Apart from the face that THERE WAS NO PAPER IN IT.
Eventually it gets to the point where I go
"Fuck it, I'll print using the uni's computers."

Then, suddenly, one fantastic day. It prints something when asked to!
This gives me hope, as I'm coming up to disseration time and printing off copies and drafts would be expensive.
Disseration time rolls around and my printer and I are best pals, it prints when I ask it to and we're both happy as I'm not going mental at it every day.
I come to print my disseration out (I was running up against the deadline here for other reasons).
The clouds darken overhead.
**PAPER JAM**
I take out all the paper and try again.
**PAPER JAM**
I start to cry.
"GEORGE" I weep. "Why would you do something like this to me? I thought we were friends!"
I run to Uni, pay all the money in the world to an understanding techie friend to use a uni comptuer as (understandably) all the ones in the computer rooms are taken by people printing their dissertation.

Then came the glorious summer when I finished Uni. What would I do to celebrate such an achievement, get drunk, propose to my girlfriend?

I went to town with that bad boy with a hammer and my shoes of pain.

Have you seen Office Space? Well imagine Michael Bolton without anyone to hold him back from destroying the printer and you've got a good idea of what I was like.

I still don't trust printers.
Or shredders.
(Tue 29th Sep 2009, 8:30, More)

» Housemates

Weeeell....
Year One:

The Gay Catholic One (GCO)

Was constantly talking about 'wimmin' and how he definitely has got off with loads of them. Told of his heroic conquests and was being all Manly, mostly involving slapping on the back and saying "alright...MATE?"

When drunk (which was often, even for a fresher) he a) sang musicals (badly) at kareoke b) confessed that he's rubbish with women c) told of how he doesn't really like Catholicism d) got a bit too close with other guys who we knew were gay.
For all this he was an alright guy who we could laugh at when we got drunk. Plus his parents gave us money each time we visited.

The Roleplayer

Mostly dressed in black and joined me in our distrust of the GCO. Occasionally brought other roleplayers back to the house, played tragic: the blathering and tabletop roleplay on the kitchen table and made cooking impossible as him and friends took up the entire kitchen. Smelt as didn't bathe regularly.

The Stoner

Local dealer, kept himself to himself and grew Cannabis in his wardrobe. Asked me to go out with a photo of him to the student union and bring back girls for him. Hated the GCO.

The Christian One

Not much to say about him really, didn't much see him and when asked if he was Catholic or Protestant he looked at us blankly and said "I'm a Christian".
Had annoying girlfriend who'd ring the doorbell at half 6 on a sunday.
Universally ignored.

Year Two

Year 2 I again lived with randoms, Aberystwyth Uni ignored both my and my friends requests to be in the same house.

The Deaf One

Oh. God.
Was proud that he had *7* STI's, including the crabs which he left in the bathroom sink. The same crabs which he took into the Geek's bedroom on a contact lense saying "look what I found".
Left his hearing aids next to each other so they produced feedback which everyone else could hear.
Had a party during the easter holidays where 2 people were taken away in an ambulance due to drinking too much, tried reporting him to the uni but couldn't get him thrown out as he was deaf.

The Geek

Was in charge of the local DC++ network, only decent one in the house, went over others' houses for LAN parties and as such didn't see much of him.

The Girl

Always having noisy sex with her jock boyfriend. Always in the bathroom.

The Gay One

See above.

Third Year

Third year was fun, made homebrew beer which was ace then generally laughed at the GCO.

I'd moved in with:

The Scouser

Camp short guy from Birkenhead, knew him from History course. Turned out to be a good housemate as liked cleaning the house, was able to laugh at the GCO with him and go up the pub to play chess.

The Metalhead

Incredibly clever guy who I also knew from my history course, was a closet right winger and would come out with incredibly rascist statements when drunk. E.g when chatting up a girl in a pub "how about them blackies eh? Don't you think they should just go home?"
He liked playing loud metal up to 3 in the morning and never washed up.

The GCO

This year his drinking got worse, we only saw him when he was off to spar to buy another crate of strongbow/a few bottles of olde english cider. Claimed he had night terrors which we ignored and soon enough the screams from his bedroom stopped.
I found out that he had spilt bleach on the table when I dropped some food on it, picked it up and ate it only for my mouth to burn like a thousand suns. The Scouse and Metalhead both told me that the GCO had told them he'd tried to drink the bleach but 'couldn't bear to.' Basically he was constantly looking for attention from people who were, before then, his friends.

His room was an all night kareoke bar and he was the only person there! Speciality became "gay bar".

Fun times
(Sat 28th Feb 2009, 21:25, More)

» DIY Techno-hacks

Santa Claus catcher
take 5 pairs of shoes
put them by the door on christmas eve
wait for 'santa' to walk in the room, leaving the light off so as not to wake you
hear the sound of 'SHIT, Claire, help me up- I've fallen'
go "Daddy, is that you? Why have you got loads of presents in a sack with you?"
work out you have caught 'santa'
simples
(Wed 26th Aug 2009, 18:18, More)
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