b3ta.com user Pantyliner
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» School Sports Day

Diarrhea :(
My first sports day at high school. I was about 12. I was spectating, as I was rubbish at all sports and not deemed worthy of the team.

Unfortunately, I was beset by two problems - 1. I had diarrhea, and 2. I didn't know my way to the toilets. It was a huge comprehensive school and I had only been there a few weeks. The sports field was miles away from the rest of the school and I had no idea about the 'geography' of the place.

When I finally found my way there, I was absolutely bursting - seeing stars, gritting my teeth etc etc. The only toilet I could find was marked "Staff". I hobbled in, trying to keep my guts from exploding all over the place. I failed. Orange skitters squirted out of me before I had time to get my knickers down. I tried to aim for the toilet bowl, but only succeeded in pebble-dashing the floor, the toilet seat, the wall...

In a fit of panic, I tried to clean myself up as much as possible, but didn't dare risk being caught, so sped out of the stinking hellhole I had created without cleaning the cubicle.

I will never forget the sickened look on the janitor's face when I guiltily crept passed the scene of the crime, after the sports day had finished. He was attempting to clean the filth and looked as though he had been put off his tea for a week.

Gossip was heated for weeks, as both teachers and pupils alike speculated as to which teacher had been so disgustingly 'caught short'...
(Wed 5th Apr 2006, 18:16, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

Dry humped by royalty
I had a fling with a minor member of the Royal family, back in the late 1980s. I was about 18 at the time.

We never consummated the romance fully, but he did dry hump me on the side of a hill on the Balmoral estate. Afterwards, he excused his behaviour by saying that all the fresh air must have gone to his head...

Until fairly recently, we exchanged Xmas cards, but I haven't heard from him for a couple of years.

He was my only titled boyfriend. I am now married to someone very common but who, at least, has managed to have take his trousers off before attempting sex with me...
(Sat 5th Aug 2006, 1:10, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

Back in the '80s...
I was a fan of not-that-successful-band The Blow Monkeys, fronted by "Dr" Robert. Through many a pimpley, hormonal evening spent trying to get off with blokes sporting mullets and spangley jackets, I dreamt of Dr R.

Years later, still holding a (kid's birthday party sized but still burning) candle, I saw Dr Robert play a small pub in some backwater dump in North London. Now fallen on hard times, the Blow Monkeys but a distant memory, there was my idol - somewhat fatter and slightly depressed, but in the flesh nonetheless...

I turned to my friend, as Dr R began to strum his gee-tar, and told her about my teen crush. Suddenly, the faux PHD holding strummer stopped playing, looked directly at me and said "WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

Everyone stared. I shrivelled. My dreams crumbled. What a bloody twat - he might have got a shag off me as well, I was planning to hang around the stage door after the gig... Oh, well. Signed - Daft Girl
(Thu 25th May 2006, 23:12, More)

» Council Cunts

Council Cunts
I temped for the Prescription Pricing Authority for 8 months. Had a fab time - lovely people, very little work. Still have no idea what they do. Yes, I know they authorise prices of prescriptions, but they were still somewhat obscure on a day-to-day level.
(Mon 30th Jul 2007, 23:02, More)

» Housemates from hell

Big Annie was the worst person I have shared four walls with. She was a nasty, drunken, bully and had a nasty habit of bringing violent men back to the flat and playing Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Conner at top volume on her scratchy stereo. I remember her permanently stinking of cheap pizza and gassy beer. She also sported a permed mullet and nylon football shirts. Not a pretty sight.
(Mon 9th Apr 2007, 0:23, More)
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