b3ta.com user Shirtmonkey
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I am a monkey from England who has swung his way, vine by vine, across the whole of Eurasia and now live in a sanctuary in lovely Australia. I know there aren't any jungles in France, stay with me on this one.

I love animals, vodka, women, motorbikes, the beach, cycling and music. I hate computers (though I work with them and their evil minions), mouldy bananas and Manchester United.

One day there will be a film about my life entitled "Carnage, Cabbages and Catharsis", starring Bill Murray as me, set in a colony on the Moon where monkeys rule with an iron grip, or summat. Mark my words. People say I'm clumsy, and they're damned right. I am the harbinger of chaos. Fear my wrath. And me socks.

been visiting b3ta since 2004, as it proved an interesting distraction from the utter boredom of work

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Teenage Parties

Most of my younger house parties I can tell you little about.. but the later ones have been funnier
Ex-girlfriend's parents house, big old country house in Wiltshire, I think about the 2nd or 3rd time I've met the parents. They liked having parties and invited friends from all over, inevitably various loons from the village turn up too. And me.

Getting on during the night and I'm fairly spazzed on beer and stuff from bottles with giant legged insects in them (I shit ye not) and I'm in the kitchen chatting/blathering to her dad, who's a nice chap. Halfway through said mumbling/laughing/conversation he sticks his tinnie out the window and pours it.

"What's the mad fool doing pouring perfectly good beer outside ?" I wonder, to be answered seconds later as a cow pokes it's head through the kitchen window and moos in a kind of "want more beer way". So her dad pours more beer down the cows gullet.

Didn't know they had a cow y'see. You definitely never forget the first time you see a cow drinking beer at a party. Her mum (unknowingly, til later!) ate a hash cookie as well, gf had forgot to remove them from the fridge. Heh.

Another party at the same gaff, parents on holiday, so we set the decks up and get busy with lots of beer and substances and loonies. Nothing nasty, no house trashing beyond the usual spillages and random zombie encounters in the morning. More hash cookies, including one the size of Lake Michigan that was supposed to have been divvied up at some point for general consumption.

Enter Johnny, stage left, who's just come off the decks and is drunk and hungry. He goes to the fridge, spies this dinner-plate sized monster and thinks "aha! foodage !" and proceeds to wolf it down with the aid of more Stella. Thinking his hunger was now satisfied, he totters off to join the melee, none the wiser.

Until later. I have seen the human man-cabbage and it was possibly the funniest state I have ever seen anyone in. There was a quarter in that cake. Pretty t'was not.

Ah Pip.. your parties were ace :o)
(Fri 14th Apr 2006, 15:37, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

So many..
My nickname in the raucous Midlands market town where I started my drinking career was "Gazza", which I hated. I mean.. ffs

This became "Shirty" at Uni due to my collection of lurid and disgusting striped and Hawaiian shirts that I acquired during a part time job at a clothes shop in the same town, and were all the rage at Cleo's at the time but not so popular in the Officer's mess (we weren't officers btw). Which is why I wore them. So many people in the UK still struggle to remember my real name, including some *cough Pete* I've known for more than 10 years.

Elmo - our good mate Stu who crapped out of Uni after a couple of mental years. Was rabbiting away drunk on the dancefloor in his top banana Cockney accent when Jim told him he sounded like Elmo Putney out of Brush Strokes. Heh. By the end of Uni half the staff and most of the kids & forces dudes didn't know mine or Elmo's real names, which was amusing as fook.

Gwyn - not even his real name but the one he enrolled as (wierdo) - was a nutcase who picked his teeth in lectures with a flickknife, drove insanely fast and talked utter crap. He drank bottles of vodka for tea before regaling us with tales of god-knows-what, leathered, while we were (say) cooking some supper in the kitchen. Or cleaning our rooms. Or whatever. Like - go away !! Mad as a fish, left after one year on account of never being quite on planet Earth. Known as Psycho, the Welsh Wonder, lots of other names too..

Doug. Or Doug "E" Drug. Was quite easily the best and looniest dude I have ever known in me life. We had a party in his garden one fine evening, they dragged all the living room furniture outside. His room at Uni resembled an explosion in a junk shop. Real name Richard.

Cabbage (Karen). A girl I went out with, possibbly a bit of a cruel nick but she never complained. In fact she may even of made it up herself. I cannae remember noo.

Krusty (Kirsty). Another unfortunate nick, she didn't seem to mind too much either. Heh. Her boyfriend was a total hippy who played golf (go figure), I ended up living with him for a while with another dude called Ben. Ben 2 became known as Doctor (after Dr Stupid from Ren & Stimpy).

Tall Paul. Because he was tall, and his name was Paul, maybe. Called himself Paulo Poverini. Legendary substance abuser.

Looroll. Not a nice nickname for Laura (another ex) who actually didn't like that one. I still accidentally call her it. Meh.

Sharkman. Aka Count Sharkula, Sharklander, Sharkpeeg and Sharkster. And boh. Actually that's what most of my mates in the UK call each other - Boh. Easy to remember I guess..

Best ever - FST, FSD, FSG, FSM... Short for Fukcing Stupid Takiss, who was named by my (amusing) boss in Croydon after said chap came across as something of a dimwit. Obviously we all started calling each other derivatives of this (Fukcing Stupid Daron, Fukcing Stupid John... etc) which livened up the long days no end. John rarely addressed Matt by his name but sang "Matt O'Shea, Matt O'Shea, Matt O'Shea.." to the tune of "ere we go". Fun times.

Me ? I'm happy with Monkeyboy now. I mean, the resemblance is there, and there's no way I'm explaining where Shirty came from AGAIN.

Apologies for length but hey, reminiscing makes you feel better, no ?
(Fri 19th May 2006, 22:47, More)

» School Sports Day

Zero to Hero

I couldn't swim well as a kid so feck knows why I entered the swimming day event. Instead of diving in all sleek and graceful, I sort of fell in like a sack of spuds and swam across the pool instead of down it. In front of the whole school. How we laughed (for "we" read "all but me").

Fast forward 3 years and I was the fastest 800m runner in the school for my age, and came 3rd in the town trials. Honour restored; faces of same (but 3 years older) kids from mine and other schools expecting me to fail well and truly rubbed in it. Go me !

First post, be nice.

No apologies for length or girth, never needed to anyway.
(Tue 4th Apr 2006, 13:51, More)