» Why should you be fired from your job?

Customer Service, who needs it?
I used to work in the wonderful world of Asda, where I got what I considered the cushy job of working in the Entertainment and Electronics dept. What was for the most part a piss easy job of just papping CDs and the like onto the shelves was often punctuated with irritating cries of, "DO YOU KNOW THAT SONG WHAT WAS ON THE TELLY?" and other moronic questions.
One guy that came in had apparently been bothering staff for months but had elected me to be his victim for the day, with his sidekicks Wife in a Shopping Buggy Because She's Too Lazy to Walk (tm) and their quite clearly handicapped child, nestled on his mother's lap dribbling away quite happily.
Now, the mix up began when I tried explaining to the guy that when a phone says "blu-tooth" on the box, it doesn't actually mean it comes with a hands free headset, which is something quite different. Easy enough to understand you'd think? No.

When I told him he'd have to buy a headset seperately he started ranting and raving about rip-offs and false advertising and suchlike before insisting that it was me who was wrong and that I was an idiot who didn't know what I was talking about. I told him to "Go ahead and make a complaint if it'll get you the hell away from me" to which he just got angrier and angrier. Cue his buggy-ridden-but-nothing-really-wrong-with-her wife butting in with, "Excuse me, you can't say that to my husband and your shouting is upsetting my child!"
Taking one quick glance I blurted, rather stupidly, "How the fuck can you tell, he's had the same spacky look on his face since you came in!?"

My gf still brings it up whenever we meet new people, as to how I hate disableds and all.

They ended up receiving an (unsigned) standard apology letter from asda and some free vouchers. The manager was grinning into her sleeve when she was supposed to be giving me a formal warning.
Quit a few months later anyway but not before playing Peaches, "Fuck the Pain Away" over the radio.
(Tue 14th Aug 2007, 22:15, More)

» Heckles

Michelle McManus
I used to work for Rocksteady and, as anyone will tell you, it's a piss easy job which involves standing about and in spite of all the concert happenings can get fairly dull. I'd signed up to work at the Green Day concert last December which didn't really help matters much but after the show when we were directing people out, I saw Scotland's very own beached whale waddling stage-wards to try and meet the band. I could barely stop myself from shouting, "McManus, what's it like to see a sold out venue for a change!?" She stormed off in the other direction, whereas I got a bollocking from the 'supervisor'. Made me chuckle, though.
(Tue 11th Apr 2006, 16:13, More)

» Puns

oh dear.
I was a bit proud of myself for this one, though I have no right to be.

We were sitting in my friend's flat roundabout the end of January, just a few days before Obama was sworn in as president. The conversation got around to the fact that Martin Luther King had predicted this kind of acceptance in modern politics leading to the victory of an african american etc etc. all that jazz. My friend Johnny commented that he was almost "the black Nostradamus" to which I instantly thought...

-drum roll-

you mean "Nostra-daaayyuum"


Apologies for slightly racist overtones.
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 22:07, More)

» Barred

Not me, but a friend...
Got barred from a pub in Fort William for having a piss up against the fruit machine. Apparently he'd been sticking money in it all evening and won a staggering total of bugger all, when all of a sudden he needed to relieve himself. Convinced that the machine would eventually pay out and that the bald, earring wearing chap behind him had been eyeing the machine all night he decided it'd be safer to just empty himself into his pint glass. The wary gentleman behind the bar noticed this before he'd managed to let go and managed to wrestle the glass off of him. He duly went anyway.. all over the machine. It's a small town so it's not likely he'll get back in. I still spluff beverages at the mere thought of it though.
(Mon 4th Sep 2006, 0:54, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

Good luck, my foot!
I was traipsing around town one Wednesday afternoon, hadn't long finished work and I needed to pick something up for a friend's birthday or engagement or somethingorother that I've forgotten about. It also happened to be one of the busiest streets where I was just heading to the bus station to go home when a precision bombing of admirable accuracy took place. A bird flying overhead had emptied it's little bird bowels directly onto my head, and hit with just so much of an angle on it that it also managed to run down my face. My mouth was open and all sorts.

I tried to maintain some kind of dignity so without breaking stride I used the sleeve from my coat to wipe off most of it til I could get to a restroom. I looked ahead of me for some smirking faces but luckily no one seemed to have noticed. I looked over one shoulder for someone behind me who could have witnessed it and luckily there was no one there either. Hoorah! I've gotten away with it, so I thought, until I saw the crowded front of a local Starbucks with an entire row of people pointing and laughing or giggling into their sleeves.

Bastids.
(Sun 30th Jan 2011, 11:35, More)