» Homemade Booze

When I was about 15
My girlfriend and I ran out of cheap cider. Looking around my room for pennies to take to the shops I notice the second ingredient of my bottle of mouthwash is alcohol (the first ingredient being water so it can't be that bad for me right?).
Cut to necking half the bottle (the lady was generous enough to forgo her round), followed almost immediately by excessive amounts of blue vomit for a heroic amount of time. Towards the end of the surge of upchuck I am vaguely aware of the vomit getting redder and more solid. At some point in my stomach the mouthwash transmuted into some kind of polystyrene-esque substance and was lacerating my throat as it made its bid for freedom.
(Wed 17th Dec 2014, 10:53, More)

» Festivals

Shower O' Piss
During one of the first of my many visits to Greenbelt (I'm not a christian,I just like a more relaxed festival experience) I was familiarising myself with the area and memorising the late night route to the shitters, being a crowded and "family friendly" festival pissing on the racecourse is not an option (unless you want to be responsible for the lead runner in the Cheltenham Festival to slip up on your warm puddles).
Around the closest portaloos to my tent are some other cubicles, which on first inspection are for a service called "Golden Showers", even more to my surprise i see a line of people making bookings. Elderly women, children and even nuns seemed to be taking an interest in this very organised festival watersport. Only on the double take do I re-read the sign and make it out to say "Gloden Showers", damn my dyslexia.

Either way, whoever thought of hiring this company and then placing these public conveniences next to the public conveniences was a genius or a fool.

if you dont believe me you can hire your own at www.igloucestershire.co.uk/profile/441848/Tewkesbury/Gloden-Mobile-Showers-For-Hire/
(Mon 8th Jun 2009, 16:40, More)

» Teenage Parties

Upon Awakening
back when i was 14 i went to my usual surf spot in cornwall. One night i hear of a beach party thats going on at my local (beach not pub). So after closing time me and me mates stumble put of our local (pub not beach) and head towards the noise. The party was incredible, you'd go up to somone and try and ponce a fag and they'd roll you a joint.
To this day I dont know what preceeded me waking up propped agaisnt a hedge in a field with my right shoe next to my left foot and my left shoe 20 feet (no puns please) off to my right, my trousers 'round my ankles and mummified by about 5 rolls of arsewipe.

Another time i went to a party in a building that was sentanced to be demolished the next day. Needless to say everyone went crazy and destryed walls, toilet cubicles and burst a water main thing.
Next day we find out it was meant to be decorated not demolished

No apologies for length as I was still wearing my boxers
(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 16:24, More)

» Heckles

Not A Heckle But,
Last night i went to see Placebo at Alexandra Palace.
There is a little known group of Placebo fans called the Rubber Duckie Brigade whose function it is to throw rubber ducks at said band. After getting there and queing in the piss poor weather I realise that I forgot my duck. I spent pretty much the entire gig stumbling around asking everyone if they knew how to do balloon modelling so they could make me my estranged duckie. No one did.

As far as I'm aware at the end of the night the stage was duck free.
(Wed 12th Apr 2006, 9:56, More)

» Drunk Shopping

Bought my Welsh girlfriend
a massive photo of Barry John.
(Fri 11th Apr 2014, 0:32, More)