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» Stuff I've found

we found a troll.
A group of friends decide to spend a day on acid, one of them doesn't want to partake and says he'll pop round and see them later when it's all stopped being a bit too mental.

He calls round at the house early evening where the group of friends live, one of them opens up the door with massive saucer eyes and a slightly worried look on his face. He beckons the non drugged chap inside.

The straight guy (Mark) asks how their day went, and the guy who is still clearly of his gourd on Ecstacy pipes and looking seriously worried whispers 'we found a troll'.

Mark decides to humour him and carries on by asking where they found it. He replies 'We found it in the playground of the local park, it was just sitting there, so we brought it home'

So Mark asks if he could see the Troll. 'yeah, it's in the kitchen' comes the reply.

Mark nervously opens the kitchen door, not knowing what he might find. What he sees sitting on a stool and happily munching buscuits is...

a man with Downs Syndrome.

They had actually taken this poor guy home with them, after pissing himself with laughter Mark did the right thing and found out where this guy lived and took him home.
(Sat 8th Nov 2008, 23:25, More)

» Cringe!

watersports gone wrong
I used to run a soundsystem with my brother and a couple of friends. Breaking into warehouses and airfields to put on free parties and other, heavily drug fueled fun things.

To transport all the (mainly stolen) speakers and amps around we purchased an old police riot van from an auction. This thing was a fucking v8 monster with bullet proof blacked out windows. It could outrun most cars at the lights, but did around 6 miles to the gallon.

For some reason we had a megafone with which we used to drive around Croydon and shout obscenities at old people while hanging out of the vans sliding door.

One day in the shitty little Croydon based village of Addiscombe it rained, and it rained and it rained. A huge puddle formed outside the local Woolworths and we decided the best thing to do with it would be to open the sliding door, grab the megafone and bellow at the shoppers while we floored the van as fast as possible and drove directly into the puddle in the hope that we would completely soak everyone.

While we were in full flow, screaming at people, we did indeed drive straight into the puddle, but it was so deep that it fed back into the exhaust pipe and flooded the engine.

We rolled to a pathetic stop with all the shoppers watching us, knowing exactly what we had been trying to do. I had to sheepishly get out and step into near waist deep water and try to push this four ton van down the road past all the laughing, dry pedestrians.
(Sat 29th Nov 2008, 9:51, More)

» Crap meals out

a pint of poo and a ruined ballgown
This was told to me by a friend who attended, and while it's not strictly a meal out with bad food, I'm pretty sure the lady in question had the worst meal of her life.

For anyone who lives in the Croydon area, this is a story about Trinity boys school.

At the end of year school prom/meal the boys who are leaving attend this prom thing and bring their girlfriends. Obviously they are all dressed up to the nines with pretty pink ribbons and bows and stuff. The particular boys in question were a bunch of public school ingrates with tendancies to go a little over the top.

So anyway one of them takes his pint of lager with him into the toilet and comes out 10 minutes later with a large turd floating in said pint.

One of the idiots round the table reckons he can take a sip of the poopint without vomiting for a dare. He does. So tho up the stakes another idiot round the table produces a condom, puts it over the rim of the glass and pretending to be Tom Cruise in Cocktail shakes, and shakes harder and harder, breaking the little brown gift into tiny pieces therefore obviously making it more palatable.

Surprise surprise, the condom flies off the end of the pint glass and the foul smelling liquid contents go all over one of these lovely dolled up prom girls in her nicest pink dress covering her in faeces.

What didn't help the situation was her boyfriend totally pissing himself with laughter while she cried her little girly heart out. I don't think she enjoyed her meal.
(Fri 28th Apr 2006, 23:16, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

funeral freaks
My dad died just under 5 years ago, lovely guy who met his end too early. Since he wasn't religious we couldn't really decide what to do at the service so we contacted the Humanist Society.
These people act as speakers in place of a priest and relate the main part of the service. Obviously they didn't know anything about him, so we invited one of them around to the family home so they could write down some info about him.
The bell rings about 8pm and I answer the door to a Mrs Doubtfire lookalike peering at me through her owl like eyes. I invite her in to our sombre sitting room and she places herself directly in front of my nan.
She begins talking in this weird posh old lady voice and I realise my nan is sitting there with a really strange look on her face. I look to where her eyes are pointing to find Mrs Doubtfire has opened her legs as wide as possible and is exposing her revolting stained underwear to full view of the family. At this I start pissing myself with laughter, which infects my sister, mum and brother and ends up with me crying on the kitchen floor. I then had to drive her home with her infecting my car with her weird old lady smell.

After calling the Humanists to tell them she wasn't suitable, they told us they had one more person to see. Cue us turning up to a house in Streatham, knocking on the door and having it answered by a midget with a huge captain birdseye beard and a wooden leg.

My dad would have had a field day.
(Tue 16th May 2006, 1:19, More)

» I Quit!

throwing pens at a ladyman
Working at Woolworths in Croydon wasn't exactly a highlight of my career, I joined the entertainment team, working on the music counter which constisted of four women and one very effeminate, hallitosis inflicted maryqueen.

This chap was in charge and took exception to me instantly, as I was bringing a distinctly male flavour to his coven of till harpies, who until I turned up spent the days talking about periods and knitting.

The one thing which got to me was that we were able to play any cd of our choosing to the entire store through it's pa system, basically the only thing which made the day bearable was being able to play Fila Brazillia or putting on Curtis Mayfields 'If There's Hell Below' which starts with him screaming "NIGGERS!!" into the microphone.

We all took it in turns to choose, except that when my turn came he would stop the cd mid song on the first track, then replace it with Boyzones greatest hits. When I complained he would give me a filthy look, a catty remark and then flounce off to the stockroom.

This all came to a head when he docked me a days wages for phoning in sick 5 minutes after the alloted time I had a little shout and was called up to the staffroom. I knew I was going to be unfairly sacked by this retard and I threw the biggest hissyfit known to man.

I screamed at him and told him exactly what I thought about him, then grabbed a great big handfull of pens and started throwing them one at a time as hard as I could at his face while I kept up the torrent of abuse. It culminated with him cowering on the floor wailing as I rained pens down onto his head, then before he could tell me i was sacked, I shouted "I quit!" and walked out of the door.
(Wed 28th May 2008, 7:45, More)
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