b3ta.com user ferret joe
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whats this... x?

a dead one of those..x.

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» I hurt my rude bits

while young and not yet accustomed to the changed personal space when having a boner i walked helmet first into a door.

fucking painful.

apologies for length, i think it got knocked back an inch.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 10:27, More)

» Heckles

scouting scouting scouting, rawhide
i was in the scouts most of my young life and we used to go to an event called the sedan chair rally. it was basically 2 nights on the piss and then a short race with a sedan chair.

anyway, they ran a quiz on the first night. by the time we got there we were all already hammered and continued to get more so. the bloke running the quiz had made the mistake of wearing a rather stupid hat, and being a bit of a grumpy bastard. picking up on this we decided to call our quiz team 'i like you're hat' as this allowed us to shout 'i like yours too' every time he did scores or anything. rather complicated way to heckle but it was fun.

the quiz was also stupidly long, i think i left for about an hour and came back and it was still going.
(Wed 12th Apr 2006, 12:28, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

on the wall of the lower school gents at my grammar school
'i had a blow jump last night'
(Fri 4th May 2007, 0:26, More)

» Inappropriate crushes

morning tv
sandy toksvig on call my bluff used to stir me in an unusual way when i was younger.

i probably shouldn't have told you that.

i definitely shouldn't have got drunk and told my friends about it.
(Sun 1st Oct 2006, 20:31, More)

» Teenage Parties

a small gatheiring
when i was in venture scouts (thats where almost all my stories are from) me and another bloke once tried to organise a cocktail party as an evening (we did have one female member so it was nominally alright).

anyway, we bought about 3 bottles of spririts, getting asked for id in the shop and me having to declare i would drink none of it as i had no id, and raided his house for some more. we also bought some grenadine which is horrible stuff.

we headed up to the scout hut and started mixing, trying the cocktails with names like 'urine sample', 'pink nickers' and 'backside bertie' for a laugh. problems were, a)my mate poured every shot as about a triple, and b) the only other people that turned up were 2 scout 'leaders' who were both driving.

cue me being very pissed, falling over and breaking my finger in the process.

we got a lift back off one of the leaders but i inssited on being dropped at the local recycling bank to recycle some cans i think.

i then wandered home and threw up and passed out in the toilet, making a horrible mess that my kind mother cleaned up. she even made up the excuses for me saying 'we'd expected more people' and 'the measures had been stronger than i expected'.

bought her a plant to say sorry of course.
(Fri 14th Apr 2006, 17:04, More)
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