b3ta.com user the pink chicken sniffer
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» Letters they'll never read

Dear Amorous Badger,

If you don't like someone on here, then why bother reading their posts?You have an ignore button for a reason, use it.

Your QOTW Fail Archive was quite funny for a while, but does it not become tiresome having to look for the worst in QOTW? Surely you can just read the good, creative writing on here from the many talented writers, and pass over the ones you don't like, just like the rest of us? QOTW is full of lies and stupid stories, but have you never read a fiction book? Many are written in a way that it is meant to be believable, doesn't mean they are true. Have you written a letter to Stephen King, saying "this REALLY happened"? No? I didn't think so.

It becomes an effort for people like me to even read the replies on certain stories, when they are funny and obviously not true, when I know that you are going to be coming up with such a witty original comment that you haven't done a million times before. Your constant pathetic comments on stories that you don't like are sucking the enjoyment out of QOTW.

If you have that much of an issue with the as many of the QOTW answers as i have gathered, why not stay on /talk? Save yourself the effort of reading all the positively ghastly lies that people are purposely writing with the ultimate goal of getting in the Archive?

Some of the replies on here may be worthy of mockery, but does it mean it is your duty to find each and every one, and let them know that you've seen straight through them?

You have attacked some genuinely creative and interesting pieces of writing whilst not actually contributing anything yourself. Is your Archive your way of collecting reasons why you shouldn't bother writing? As a reminder that you might end up receiving some criticism yourself?

It has become weary.

Please cease and desist,


(Sat 6th Mar 2010, 18:10, More)

» Family Feuds

My mother and my ex-wife
never used to get on. My mother always thought she wasn't good enough for me, and after we split up and she started dating this other fella she had them both killed in a car crash and made it look like an accident.
(Thu 12th Nov 2009, 12:51, More)

» Irrational Hatred

God, I am VENTING this week
I was watching tele a little while ago, and had Relocation, Relocation on. Nothing wrong with that, that Kirsty bird is quite fit in a teacher way and it was an old one where she was a bit younger and hadn't put on a bit. All going well with an attractive woman who was looking for a new house in Kent or somewhere.

And then it happened.

My man Phil pulls his phone out his pocket, and rings the woman looking for a house. AND THERE'S A FUCKING CAMERA WHERE SHE IS. What a bloody coincidence! No? What, you mean the camera has always been there, and she probably knew she was going to get the call, and had been briefed before on what was going to happen? Say it ain't so! Kirsty and Phil wouldn't do that to me! But wait, is that shoddy acting? I think it is.

WHY OH WHY DO TV SHOWS FEEL THE NEED TO DO THIS? Just have them on speaker, or at least have a shot of them obviously waiting for a call. Why does it all have to look impromptu and surprising?

It's the same when a presenter knocks on someone's front door, it gets answered, BUT THERE'S ALREADY A BASTARD CAMERA IN THE HOUSE. Why do that? There's no bloody need for it. These people aren't actors, they shouldn't even try.

It's bloody annoying, because it's so unnecessary! Why don't they just make it how it would have been naturally? It's little things like that that actually ruin TV for me, because it happens on shows I actually want to watch. If it was on Big Brother or some other shite like that then I wouldn't care, it wouldn't affect me, because I'd never have to see it. But on Relocation? And Grand Designs? Come on, these are meant to be shows for adults (not that I claim to be that). Why do these childish shots?

(Mon 4th Apr 2011, 21:22, More)

» Best and worst TV ads

Once upon a time...
when I was a young lad, I was roaming around Northampton town centre. Me and a friend, Sean, were doing the usual pastimes of chasing the deformed pigeons, eating McDonalds and slowly bankrupting Woolworths with our slow burning Pic n Mix heist.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, strangers offering sweets approached us. After working out their intentions weren't to kidnap us, we discovered that they were filming an advert for the 'NEW IMPROVED' Lion bars. Which, were my favourite chocolate bar. I've always been fond of really chewy, sticky chocolate, so even hours after it's been eaten, you can still find bits of nougat in your teeth to prolong the chocolatey goodness. Lion bars are king of this category.

So, after loading our pockets full of mini Lion bars, as bribery for our cooperation, they told us to get in the van asked if we could say it's really nice and so much better than before. For all we could tell, it tasted exactly the fucking same, but with the potential of getting given more chocolate from these generous strangers we threw ourselves into our new found roles as advertising masterminds.

Minds ready, we stood there, in front of the cameras and a now gathering audience of Market Square shoppers already planning our ascent to stardom... This advert was a platform to Hollywood. And then, just as they start the countdown, with a final mouthful of Lion bar getting chomped down, Sean whispers to me, in a voice only loud enough for me to hear...

"tastes like shit, doesn't it?"

And of course, being a young adolescent, this was the wittiest thing I had ever heard. Cue me breaking down into tears of laughter, whilst drooling chocolate over the giant microphone stuck under our noses, trying to force out "Ttthhhee nooo LLjjion burr isshhhh weealy vewy niccsshh" through my stuffed gob. Must have thought I was mental.

Surprisingly, we didn't make the final cut. It was a bunch of clean cut Northamptonians who could speak without dribbling brown. Squares.

That's the closest I've ever come to being in an advert. Also, one of my mates was on the back of an action man box when he was little.

And if this doesn't suffice, the old Honda advert that was like awesome Mousetrap was the best advert on TV
(Fri 16th Apr 2010, 13:13, More)

» Irrational Hatred

Crikey, I have an awful one

Eyes are vile, disgusting things. How people wear contact lenses I will never know.

I don't have a clue where this has stemmed from, but the thought of touching my eyes or having to try and get something out of my eye is actually gip-worthy.

People I know wear contacts and say they don't see what the issue is. NO. You're wrong. If eyes were meant to be touched, we wouldn't have eyelids. If it was ok to get things in your eyes, you wouldn't have that bloody protective barrier of hair above them to stop falling debris and the likes.

Some of my friends touch their eyeballs just to see me cringe and squirm. This is unacceptable behaviour. If I told them I don't like having things up my bum (which I don't, but I don't really have to say that, its normally presumed) they wouldn't just get their rusty sheriff's badge out and finger themselves, because it would be frowned upon. THIS SHOULD BE CONSIDERED THE SAME WITH EYES.

Anyone remember on Guinness World Records (the TV show) with those absolute FREAKS who could make it look like their eyeballs were about to pop out their fuckin' stupid faces? That is my personal idea of hell. Having people wonder around with giant bubble wrap faces where their eyes are dangling around. And my eyes being the same. Makes me shiver with disgust just thinking about it.

I had to have eye drops once, when I found out that I'm allergic to horse hair by my eyes swelling up to inconceivable football sized levels. It was possibly the worst experience of my life, having to be forcibly pinned down to have the drops, because I flat out refused to take them.

In biology at school we had to disect a sheep's eye. The smell was indescribable, and made an awful sort of popping noise when we cut into it. The eye cord (was too focussed on not being sick to listen to that bastard teacher Miss Golly tell us the proper names. Didn't like her before, hated her afterwards) was the most vom-inducing thing i have ever touched.

Just think about yours now. Just sat there in your head. Never really thought about your eyes before have you? That's right, feel sick.

(Sun 3rd Apr 2011, 14:35, More)
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