» Anonymous

Thief....
On one ship I was on we had a communal fridge in the "day room" where we could store our day necessities without having to go to our cabins to our own fridges.It was usually stocked with soft drinks, sandwiches purloined from the galley and treats bought onshore (cakes, sweets,frozen dinners- that type of thing). I never had a problem with theft until this ship where soft drinks disappeared at an alarming rate. The arse definitely loved my Dr Pepper.

We all tried to catch the arse but he was good, very good. We didn't even have a suspect and all the little things that made ship board life a little more comfortable were being stolen from right under our noses. We started leaving stuff in our own cabin fridges but that was a real hassle, having to change dirty clothes for clean ones before going into our accommodation to our cabins.

So I hit upon the idea of injecting some corrosive substance into my Dr Peppers.... and leaving it in the fridge. I gently froze a can to minus 20, drilled a hole in the base, drilled more to remove some of the frozen contents, filled up the hole with a generous amount of concentrated laxative from the sick bay and silver soldered the hole in the aluminium can.

Over two days I defrosted the can and left it with another couple in the day fridge.It didn't stand out too much even though it had a slight ripple in the casing.

Two days later the third officer(manned the sick bay) had a visit from the bo'sun who complained that he couldn't stop shitting and that every time he stood up from the toilet he filled his kegs with brown water. :)

For 4 days he was confined to the sick bay, insatiable thirst and continuous splatter and with the prognosis of extreme food poisoning. At the next port (Tripoi from memory) he was hospitalised ashore and eventually repatriated to some hospital in the UK to have a giant plug inserted in his rectum. Well I don't know about the plug but I do know the arse lost his contract and my Dr Pepper didn't disappear anymore.

And he doesn't know who did it!!!!

Length- long but necessary
(Tue 19th Jan 2010, 8:06, More)

» Personal Hygiene

Like 2 weeks in the bush
Some of these stories have me gagging.
I can't really compete but here goes. I lived in darkest Africa for a few years and occassionaly had to go bush for a few weeks. Going bush meant sleeping in a hammock covered with mosquito nets, cooking over a camp fire and unable to wash.
After a week you could literally smell yourself rotting away and if you had a cock and ball scratch when you pulled your hands out your shorts you could smell that unmistakeable toe jam smell in the air. Freakin awful.

Anyway returned to civilisation and before I could get a shower at my flat the girlfriend appeared and wanted a bit there and then. She started to give me a blow job and I lost the hard on as I could imagine what it looked like never mind tasted like down there.

She was more than a litle disappointed and said she loved the taste it made her feel really slutty. Hard on back again and off she goes, slurp, slurp, slurp.

So everytime I went bush I'd really look forward to getting back to civilisation but even today I cringe whenever I think about her sucking on my sweaty stinky cheesy dick.

Hey if you recognise this story Anne send me an email, love to see you again,
(Sun 25th Mar 2007, 2:06, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Pissed on a moped
Not in the UK but on the Port of Hamilton in Bermuda.

We were in Bermuda for 4 days discharging some cargo and during that time some of us hired some mopeds to get around the island. We negotiated a price for the time we'd be docked there and during periods of inactivity we'd skoot around the island sightseeing. Great fun and very picture skew.

On the night we were to sail we decided to get our monies worth and use the mopeds until the last moment. Unfortunately some of us, who were a little under the weather and lacking inhibitions and sense, started to dare each other to do more and more stupid bike stunts. A crowd of seamen, wharfies and 'ladies-of-the-night' gathered to watch the increasingly daring stunts on the tar chipped wharf surface. From running up a plank resting on a beer crate. to two beer crates, to a shopping trolley sized crate. We were having great fun with a fully appreciative audience and I was bullet proof and definitely over proof.

The plank was placed on a 44 gallon oil drum (about 3 foot high) and the dares started. With a little trepidation, as I didn't have a helmet, I took up the challenge, retreated about 20 yards and gave it full stick. I hit the plank cleanly, kept to the centre and flew off the end of the jump. I of course lost total control - the reason for this post, and fell to the ground cradling my head.The back of my hands and forearms took the majority of the impact and through the haze and pain I could hear the crowd laughing and clapping their hands. Shame.

The ship sailed an hour later with me in the sick bay and the 3rd mate digging hundreds of tiny stones out of my arms with a hypodermic needle. Pain.

The funny thing is 20 years later I was in hospital for an x-ray as I'd twisted my right wrist and on the x-ray were 17 little points of light (missed stones) that had the doc intrigued. I've still got the x-ray somewhere, my souvenir of Bermuda.
(Wed 27th Jan 2010, 7:45, More)

» The B3TA Confessional

Top story prize
Talking about the Pope and reading your prize for top story.

Back in the 80's, 86 I think, Pope John Paul II visited New Zealand. I was working for HP at the time and one of my colleagues was a very devout Christian whose Church was cashing in on the visit by running a raffle.

He traipsed around the building offering everybody and anybody a beautifully printed 10 dollar ticket that listed the first prize as being given the "honour of kissing the Pope's ring."

After I pointed out that kissing the Pope's arse might not generate many sales he went bright red and sneaked away. A week later he reappeared with a cheap raffle book with a reworded first prize, an old joke but true story.
(Mon 30th Aug 2010, 5:20, More)

» Banks

UK Banks
From what I've read in this qotw the UK banking system is apparently fucked.

Like me, there are hundreds of thousands of Kiwis who never carry cash. I use EFTPOS cards as every business accepts them. For internet purchases or the like I use a bank issued Visa Debit card (Much safer than a credit card). Most banks offer either a one of payment ($5 per month) to cover every transaction or a 10 cent loading per transaction.

ALL the banks are connected to a central system so any deposit to any bank is credited at midnight, cash deposits are available immediately at the same Bank not just the same branch. All ATM machines accept every flavour of EFTPOS card including credit cards and every ATM machine is fitted with an anti-skim device.
You're never more than 5 mins from an ATM machine, some shops/clubs even have their own private ATM machines connected to the network. Ideal for a busy club, they can fill the machine with notes from their cash tills.

Lost or stolen cards are replaced within 5 working days and it is possible to get a vanilla card - no name/expiry date from the bank branch in an emergency that will last 5 working days.(Actually happened to me last year)

I've banked with 3 different Banks here and they make it easy to move between banks. Sign the form and the Bank will arrange everything, moving your account, closing down the old account, setting up existing automatic payments and arranging similar overdrafts. If you've got a good credit record will even move your mortgage at the same time unless you got one of those 'got you by the balls' fixed rate mortgages. (Ask a banker about the pitfalls and penalties re fixed rate)

So having banked for 30 years here without any major dramas the only real cock up in all that time was with the Royal Bank of Scotland which I use for holding external funds when I'm travelling. The account is always in credit and yet I've been hit with overdraft fees (difficult to sort out being far away and in a different time zone) which were eventually credited.
A charge to a new RBS credit card in South Africa which I found more than highly suspicious as I'd never used that particular card so how did the arseholes get the number and the account name?
And once they 'lost' a deposit I'd made in a bank in Hamburg. Took me a few weeks to notice the account hadn't been credited and then untold phone calls that got me nowhere. Finally I complained to the UK Banking Ombudsman (http://www.financial-ombudsman.org.uk/consumer/complaints.htm), filled out the form, attached the deposit slip and some other papers and six weeks later the account was credited. No apology or explanation as to what happened from the RBS
(Sun 19th Jul 2009, 2:20, More)