» I hurt my rude bits

I like this one
I know some of them are made up, but some are ace...
I decided to rasie money for charity by taking part in a 10k hill race, and not being a natural runner (drink beer, smoke recreational tobacco yadda yadda) i needed to train a lot. I actually got quite good, lost a stack of weight and so on. All that friction over the course of 4 months of hard distance training chafed my nipples until they were finally like little hard bullets of scabbiness. Like grazing yourself in the same place over and over again. What I didnt count on was running the race and coming in all bug eyed with adrenalin, couldn't work out why people were pointing at me agape. Once the endorphin rush wore off, realised my nipples had both been rubbed off completely, effectively now just scabs they had been well and truly picked, and my white microfibre running vest was a very fetching shade of abbatoir. That really really hurt, and took forever for me to be able to get in a warm shower, tight tshirt etc. Very very hurty.
Worse, I bagged a girl about 3 months later, and she gets all playful and bites one of my freshly grown man buttons, which promptly came away in her teeth. I screamed louder than she did.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 16:48, More)

» Picky Eaters

ginger
my mums last next door neighbour wouldn't eat food that had visibly come out of the ground, so despite living in a rural farming community she drove 20 miles to tescos to buy her veg washed, peeled and cut up for about a 500% mark up and a loss of flavour and nutritional value. She was mental tho, and had to colour sort sweets, then eat them in a specific order. At a pantomime last year, I took a green wine gum and pretended to eat it, then when I was offered one again a little later, I put back the green winegum. She had eaten all the greens, and was now a colour or two down the list, and this errant winegum caused enough upset for her to miss the second half. Her husband got smashed on guinness so she had to drive as well. she was a twunt. Actually, now I think about it, she wouldn't let food touch on her plate, and couldn't eat gravy, custard or cream because they interfered with separate food portions. Im glad my mum doesn't live next door to her anymore.
(Thu 1st Mar 2007, 13:23, More)

» Yum!

i made a cake


and was rightly proud of it too
(Fri 28th Jun 2013, 15:00, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome II

cock and balls
came home from work to tell the wife that I needed to go to Amsterdam the following week on business.
"you going to bring me back something nice?" she asked
"STD!" I volunteered brightly

she didn't see the funny side
(Fri 17th Aug 2012, 13:21, More)

» Other people's diaries

illicit email
After accidentally stumbling across a badly hidden folder in her outlook, I discovered my partner was cheating on me with her then boss (he got moved to a different project). In the spirit of fucking the fucker, I printed out all 3 months worth of filth and posted a set to his wife - the mother of his two children - and a set to the pastor of his local church where he was an elderman or summat. He's not on their website anymore! It hurt a lot, and took some serious emotional bandage to sort out, but I'm glad I found out when I did, rather than living with the lie, especially as I had commisioned a ring to propose to her for her birthday.
(Thu 1st Feb 2007, 15:27, More)