b3ta.com user Raol Duke
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» Accidental animal cruelty

sootica scrubs up
my wee brother had a black kitten, sootica, that had the unfortunate habit of sleeping in the laundry basket. it eventually got round to doing it when my mother had seperated the colours leaving the blacks in there.

she subsquently loaded the basket and drowned sootica. when i got home from school my mother was in hysterics after finding the lifeless soggy feline in amongst my dads work socks. she made me promise to never tell my bro and we would all stick to the line that 'it must have ran away'.

that was 17 years ago.

i told him at a party last summer when i'd had a few too many. he took it well. by phoning my mum out her bed at 4 in the morning while off his chops and calling her 'a fucking lying murderer.'
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 16:25, More)

» Conspicuous Consumption

piracy at sea
I used to work as a photographer on a cruiseliner. The job was equally great and shit. Get to see the world and get paid but you would work 14 hours a day everyday taking pictures of people who would talk to you like you were vermin.
Another down side of being away from home for 6 months at a time was missing out on modern cinema. The ship had a cinema but would only show family friendly gear that was, on the whole, real shit crap and at least a year old.
One day one of the on board entertainers came aboard with a pirate copy of The Dark Knight. having been at sea while it was released and reading on myspace (christ) all the glorious reviews of it from friends was a major pain in the bum. so to have this pirate copy doing the rounds on the ship was glorious.
so here comes the decadence; my fellow photographers and I hatched a plan of daring luxury. our department had a set of keys to the captains private lounge so as we could occasionally get in to set up lights in the event of a crew awards ceremony. so the night we were given a shot of the pirate Dark Knight we let ourselves in to the captains lounge. we made oaths we would leave no sign of our invasion but within ten minutes of access we had cracked open bottles of champers intended for the captain and officers only and repositioned all the suites to face onto the ginormous flat screen TV. we were in heaven. the lounge is hidden within the depths of the ship so we could blast the sound as loud as we like without concern.
somewhere around the scene where maggie gylenhall has been blown to smithereens we are all sat on the edge of the leather couches, half blazing, empty bottles of champagne strewn around when we hear the sound of the lounge door being unlocked. quick glances of ultra dread are exchanged. this means disembarkation for sure. I pray silently for someone who is not either an officer or security.
the second in charge of security, Sunnil, sticks his head round the door. this is it. we are fucking doomed. he stares at us in silence. we know we are fucked. Drinking to the point of being drunk is a sackable offence on the ship never mind gate crashing the captains sanctuary and treating it as your personal playground.
"is that the new batman film?" he asks in his indian accent.
"....yes" one of us says
"fantastic!" he says as he nudges up on the couch and makes himself comfy "pass that champagne"
(Tue 2nd Aug 2011, 11:48, More)

» Buses

"in the slot"
bout 15 years ago on the bus on the way to school, about 3 stops after I got on, a woman boarded the bus who was quite plainly cursed with some mental deficiency, she pressed her face up against the perspex seperating her from the driver while cluthcing her change and slurred "one twenty to the centre." the driver curtly replied "in the slot."

at which the woman bent over and pursed her lips into the coin slot and repeated "one twenty to the centre."
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 15:27, More)

» Too much information

not giving a shit
when asked why i was laughing emerging from a foul smelling T in the park toilet cubicle, I explained that due to the fact there was no bog roll i had used a soiled sanitry towel that some bird had left to clean my nether region.

i won that weekend.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 12:11, More)

» Voyeurism

three years ago there was a party goin on full throttle in my gaff, but unfortunately i was working the next day and not drunk enough to say "screw work" so off to bed i went.

bout 6 in the morning my flatmate davie kicks my bedroom door in and proceeds to use my bed with me in it as a trampoline. he then falls off the bed and grabs my curtains as a grip but only succeeds in ripping them off the wall much to my chagrin. after calling him a fuckin dick, throwing him out my room and wedging a sofa in front of the door i returned to slumberland.

i awoke at 8 to get ready for work feeling reall shitty and wasnt amused at the fact the whole neighbourhood could see me getting ready due to the absence of curtains. i staggerd through to living room where some peeps where still goin for it, but no sign of davie. "wheres davie?"
"in his room."
"yes! revenge time."
i went and put on a pair of those oversized hulk gloves that make smasing noises when u belt something on and kicked davies room door in. there he was shagging some bird that worked in the bar acroos the road from behind full pelt. she was totally starkers as was he. she didnt notice my intrusion but davie did "whit the fuck? get oot!"
i ran at him and cracked him real hard in the coupon
the sound of breaking glass accompanied by the words "HULK SMASH!" alerted the girl of my presence and she promptly flew outta his bed screaming while davie fell backwards into his cupboard.

needless to say. davie never pumped her again.
(Tue 16th Oct 2007, 16:37, More)
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